Here we are at The Serpent Queen finale. Some shows are better than others at making a big finale splash, and for this one, I give its splash six out of ten. I love a big dramatic coronation scene, so that accounts for at least three points right there. But perhaps I am getting ahead of myself.
This show really highlights how excellent some people are at plots and schemes and how terrible others are. When it comes to plotting, I am the Antoine of my generation. All I can think of is how exhausting it sounds, and how instead of doing plots, I could be alphabetizing my books or watching a video of a cow playing with a giant rubber ball. Why would you scheme when you could order a milkshake! Well. Humanity is a kaleidoscope, and Catherine is four steps ahead of everyone except her wizard Ruggieri, who apparently knew all the steps way back when he first met Catherine. (Wizards, amirite?)
We went into this episode knowing Rahima was somehow integral to Catherine’s plot to stop Mary from regaining the throne, but we did not know how. Fortunately, Rahima finally gets to narrate an episode. I love Rahima. If we get a second season, I want Rahima to figure more prominently now that we’ve caught up to her narrative. Being a schemer who is also upbeat and charming is a rare combination, and we deserve to see more of it on our screen (and shout-out to Sennia Nanua for embodying that).
Rahima goes to Ruggieri’s forest encampment, where he gives her a knockoff of Elizabeth I’s royal seal. I assume you could be killed for possessing something like this? They killed people for way, way less back then. Rahima knows she can use this, though, for her own scheming, so she takes it and returns to Catherine. When Catherine asks Rahima if she wants to know how Catherine’s story ends, Rahima says, sure, but how about I tell you? Amazing power move. Love it.
After Catherine convinces Montmorency and the Bourbon Boys to fake-kidnap Francis in the forest, either she changes her plan due to Francis coughing up blood all over the carriage, or this was her plan all along: She shouts that there is an attack on the king. So now Montmorency and the Bourbons lose the element of surprise, and everything goes sideways for them. Louis says, “Fuck this,” and rides off, continuing the Bourbon Boys’ hold on my heart.
Catherine and Montmorency ride off after the Bourbons, and find Antoine, who has, of course, fallen off his horse. Montmorency wants to kill him, because he’s Antoine and will definitely tell Mary their entire plan, when Catherine stabs Montmorency. I did not see this coming! She tells Antoine to run to a nearby farmhouse, then asks Montmorency’s forgiveness. This is a weird pattern with Catherine where she does something resulting in someone’s death or near-death, but seems to immediately regret it. Down with regrets! You made all these choices; don’t dilute them. If you had to stab Montmorency again, you’d do it, only you’d do it better next time, because oops, he is not dead, and now one of the Guises is here too. Catherine tells him that Antoine stabbed Montmorency and ran off. Sure, okay. She wants Antoine alive, only it’s not clear why until later. (Spoiler: because of schemes!)
So now Francis is dying, the Guises are vying for power, and the Bourbons are imprisoned (Louis) and hiding (Antoine). Catherine is vibing in the background, by which I mean telling Mary she can only think of her son and couldn’t possibly offer advice except for some side comments, perhaps, about how Mary should be regent.
This is the wrinkle in the actual plan of succession. While Francis’s brother Charles is next in line, he’s something like 9 years old, so they need a regent. The assigned regent for Charles is Antoine, but Antoine is (1) hiding and (2) in a lot of trouble for trying to kidnap the king. Despite this kidnapping thing, they still need Antoine’s sign-off on a new regent. Maybe because of laws? Unclear. I’m not an expert in 16th-century French jurisprudence. All I know is women weren’t allowed to be heads of state, so England got a Golden Age and France got … whatever it got under its succession of unmemorable kings.
The Guises want Montmorency as regent. Catherine is surprised he is still alive, and since he can tell everyone she was behind the plot to kidnap Francis, she tries to get Mathilde to finish him. Mathilde demurs, but when Catherine threatens to throw her out if she doesn’t, off Mathilde goes in a nun habit to murder Montmorency. When stopped by a guard, she says she’s Sister Grace of the Sacred Order of the Diminutives. He asks if she’s joking and Mathilde says, “You think I’d make that up?” Classic. She tries to stab Montmorency, but he flips the script, gets the knife, and says she can live if she gets him out of there.
Okay, real quick, does anyone understand why Aabis is so intent on saving this teenage boy whom I only know in my notes as Timothée Chalamet? (He’s so reedy.) It seems to be a huge deal to her, and I have zero emotional attachment to this boy’s survival other than wanting to see the second Dune movie get made, and even then, that’s more because of Florence Pugh. I know he worked for Aabis, but like, a lot of people work for a lot of people, y’know?
Catherine visits Antoine at the farmhouse, where she asks him to sign a document relinquishing his regency, or Louis will be killed. Antoine calls her bluff, saying he has no idea if Louis is even actually imprisoned. Watching Antoine make a smart move is like watching Michael Scott nail that paper sale at Chili’s. A frustrated Catherine leaves to adapt her plan, with a side trip to Ruggieri to get an opiate that will help/kill Francis, who is in a lot of pain! Catherine de’ Medici: so complicated. So many layers. A true onion of a person. But, like, a scheming onion.
Much of the drama here all comes down to the farmhouse and the signing over of the regency. Catherine manipulates Mary into cutting off Louis’s finger, which Catherine then brings to Antoine as proof that Louis is imprisoned. She tells him they’ll keep cutting bits off if he doesn’t make her regent. Antoine is going to sign, but then Montmorency and the Guises charge in with guns?? The Guises want Montmorency made regent, and they think they have him under their thumb, because they can threaten that girl he likes whose dynamic with him I am still unclear on. But Montmorency CHANGES THE PLAN and tells Catherine she’s the only one who can save France from “any of these fucking idiots,” and he has Antoine sign the paper making her regent. So close! Now she just has to convince her dying son to co-sign. A 16th-century woman’s covert-power-grab work is never done.
At Francis’s deathbed, there’s a very good, very emotional scene between him and Catherine, and Samantha Morton just does a beautiful job of conveying Catherine’s love for her son in giving him this opiate that will take him away, but also wanting him to sign this thing that will give her the power she wants. His final words to her are “I will leave you to live with your choices,” which is kind of sanctimonious and shitty, but he’s dying and in a lot of pain, so okay.
Louis’s head is almost cut off, but he’s reprieved at the very last moment, unlike another Louis in the future. Mary is shocked, because she really wanted this execution, but she is even more shocked to hear that Catherine has become regent, and is the one countermanding the order. Mary announces she’ll write to her cousin Elizabeth, who will definitely help her. Ahahahahahaha.
And then we are back to Rahima telling Catherine the end of the story! Rahima says Catherine saw her begging for a job and knew she was the right person to move the “get Mary the fuck out of France” plot along. How, you ask? Step 1: Mary sends a letter to Elizabeth I. Step 2: JK, because the letter never reaches Elizabeth. Step 3: Forge Elizabeth’s seal and frame Rahima so Mary will think she hates Catherine and will then enlist Rahima in stealing Elizabeth’s (fake) reply from Catherine. Step 4: Profit.
The profiting happens after Rahima gives Catherine a list of her terms, which include a title and property (NICE). She also asks if Catherine did it all for power. When Catherine tells her it was, in fact, for freedom, Rahima says okay, let’s do it. Rahima gives Mary the letter, and Mary immediately packs up for Scotland. She tells Rahima that history will remember her, to which a passing Guise says, “I wouldn’t count on it.” LOVE IT. I love it.
Mary shows up in Scotland, where she discovers she has been pranked in a very embarrassing way, and Catherine’s son Charles prepares to be crowned king. Everyone is there, setting the stage for season two. The Bourbons vow revenge, but will suck up in the meantime; the Guises are quietly fuming; Catherine’s alienated retinue attend, but very likely no longer want any part of her. BUT. Who’s literally holding the crown? Our Serpent Queen. “Trust no one,” Rahima tells us. End of season!