After just one episode, I’m already confident that season two of The Traitors is a historical document destined for a place of honor in the Library of Congress’s reality-TV annex (that is to say, you’ll find a ripped DVD copy in the single-stall basement bathroom, tucked behind the radiator). Honestly, I felt that way after just watching the trailer.
The Traitors is essentially a high-production-value game of Mafia, or as the illustrious Dame Brian Moylan put it last season, Idiot Mole. Several contestants are secretly chosen to be “traitors.†They decide together on a member of the “faithful†to “murder†every night. By day, the faithful vote to banish a player who they believe to be a traitor — usually acting on comically little evidence, and usually incorrect, if the first U.S. season is anything to judge by. If the faithful are all who remain at the game’s end, they split the prize money of up to a quarter-million dollars (which the contestants are responsible for accumulating through missions throughout the season). But if there’s a traitor, or traitors, lurking in their midst, they steal the pot.
Host Alan Cumming welcomes the doomed houseguests to his Scottish castle — where furry cows, suits of armor, all brocade everything, and sinister hooded figures (including Alan’s dog, Lala) abound — in a red suit with sparkly cuffs and a tartan cape that matches the tulle flower, the size of blue-ribbon-winning cabbage, pinned to his shoulder. Last season, the cast was half celebrities, half civilians and the latter were, respectfully, a total drag. This time around, the producers have wisely decided to go all in on reality (and beyond) stars. In doing so, they’ve recruited a truly dazzling kaleidoscope of weirdo talent.
Going into the game, the two most fearsome competitors to watch are all-time-great Survivor players Parvati Shallow and Sandra Diaz-Twine, especially because fellow Survivor alum Cirie Fields won The Traitors last season. The first-ever two-time Survivor winner (and still one of only two players to pull that off), Sandra correctly self-assesses that she’s “overprepared†for this show, which is the exact energy that I, too, like to bring into job interviews. She arrives in adult braces, which are extremely charming, and even more so when juxtaposed with her menacing proclamations like “I’m going to take care of her once and for all.†It’s great to see these women enjoy their freedom to wear something other than a buff that hasn’t been washed for a month, but I do have to say: My queen Parvati’s all-white pearl-studded-headband look in the premiere reminds me of something I would’ve coveted from the American Girl catalogue that sold matching outfits for kids and their dolls circa 1995. Nevertheless, mommy mama matriarch is maternally matrilineally mothering, etc.
My problematic phaeve Phaedra Parks (dishonorably discharged from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, now of Married to Medicine) is giving snow queen in white fur. The Traitors’ first cast couple arrives in the form of Marcus Jordan and Real Housewife of Miami slash Harper’s Bazaar Vietnam cover star Larsa Pippen (who are, respectively, Michael Jordan’s son and Scottie Pippen’s ex-wife — I know — technically making The Traitors part of The Last Dance cinematic universe). Shereé Whitfield, Tamra Judge, and Mercedes “MJ†Javid (who refers to our host as Alan “Cummings,†plural) round out the Bravo regiment. Representing The Challenge are C.T., Trishelle, and Johnny Bananas, cosplaying as one of Chrissy’s stunad friends who would’ve immediately gotten himself whacked, dressed up for Easter brunch at Vesuvio. (Bananas, to Alan: “How’s it feel to be the second-best-dressed guy on the show?†Alan: “I’d say, ‘Back off, bitch.’â€) Dan and Janelle are on hand from Big Brother, a show I have limited confidence actually exists, despite once recapping a full season of it. (Everyone was super racist and there was a toxic showmance? Does that even narrow it down at all?)
Coming into the show with former Reality Television Arts and Sciences colleagues could prove to be a blessing (a built-in ally!) or a curse, depending on how exactly their history resurfaces. Does Trishelle trust C.T.? Will Sandra and Parvati reignite their feud? Would Janelle seek revenge against Dan? Then again: Better the frenemy you know.
Among sundry stars from all kinds of pop-culture galaxies — including RuPaul’s Drag Race alum (and Broadway star!) Peppermint, champion boxer Deontay Wilder, Maks from Dancing With the Stars, and Pilot Pete (the former Bachelor best known for having sex four times in a windmill) — the least likely contestant of all is John Bercow. He’s not just a former member of Parliament but a former Speaker of the House of Commons. Phaedra greets him in a tone of voice that suggests she’s worried he may have accidentally wandered out of his care home despite the fact that he is, somehow, only ten years older than she is.
I was not previously familiar with Kevin of Bling Empire, but he immediately endears himself to me thanks to both his jawline and his apparent ignorance of who virtually anyone else in the castle is. Janelle points out Johnny Bananas to Kevin, explaining he won The Challenge. “What challenge?†On hearing that that’s the name of a TV show, he asks, “What’s that about?†He could win this whole goddamn thing.
The players take their seats at the round table and don their blindfolds. If Alan Cumming taps you on the shoulder, you’re a traitor. There will only be two to start, but they’ll soon get to recruit an additional conspirator.
The lucky sweepstakes winners are Dan from Big Brother (who I’m not sold on at first, but he wins me over in his confessionals as clearly a thoughtful strategist) and one Ms. Phaedra Creonta Parks, Esq. I am thrilled that, this season, the producers had the presence of mind to name a Bravo star as a traitor, which hopefully means that player will stick around for a while. Last season, Reza and Brandi were banished much too early. (What would we have done without Kate?) Our Bravolebs deserve some measure of diplomatic immunity for being so reliably entertaining.
The accusations begin the moment the blindfolds come off, and none of them are levied against the actual traitors. Janelle needles John for “having some breathing problems†when Alan passed by him, which strikes me as hilariously out of pocket, given he is, he says, “slightly asthmatic,†and also, I will say, pretty old. Larsa heard Alan’s clothing rustle next to her when he was standing by Parvati. “My ears are so strong I could feel the vibration of lifting his jacket,†Larsa says, and while I wish we could ask her a detailed series of follow-up questions about her personal conceptions of both human anatomy and of the physics of sound, there is simply no time for that. Parvati is clearly annoyed because, I would say, this is annoying, but Larsa interprets her being “automatically so defensive†as further incriminating evidence. The Traitors cast thinks they’re playing chess when they’re really playing checkers — and sometimes, they’re not even playing checkers; they’re just chewing on the pieces (do the red ones taste like strawberries?).
In the aftermath of the roundtable, Love Island’s Bergie — who I cannot believe is a real person and not a half-filled Build-A-Bear, let alone someone who would voluntarily participate in an explicitly deception-themed show (is he just here for the zip line?) — draws suspicion thanks to his spilling his drink, speaking too fast, blushing, and general sweatiness, but it’s pretty clear he’s just stressed out by the very suggestion of somebody lying to anyone about anything. I would be remiss not to mention his U.K. Love Island counterpart Ekin-Su, who comes in hot in her first confessional, explaining that most people underestimate her intelligence because she’s pretty. “But I believe in aliens,†she protests, in a twist I can truthfully say I did not see coming. “I have conspiracy theories. I love cartoons.†As Phaedra, a poet, puts it, Ekin-Su’s “brain is on vibrate.â€
For their first mission, the cast must gather floating puzzle pieces on a loch (loch, really get your throat into it), rearrange them in a formation specified on a piece of paper hidden inside one of dozens of bottles along the shoreline, then return to shore to press a detonator and set them on fire. Also, they’re all tied up at the start because why not? If they can pull this off within half an hour, they add $30,000 to their collective pot.
The shape of the puzzle is a shield, a nod to a new twist this season: Players will have the chance to protect themselves from murder (though not, I think, from banishment?) by grabbing a shield during their missions, at the possible risk of sabotaging the group’s chances of maximizing their cash winnings and thereby alienating themselves from the others.
For Janelle, at least, this does not pose much of a dilemma. While the other cast members who are early to free themselves hang back to help untie the others, Janelle immediately takes off running to nab the first shield. C.T. (whom Phaedra has a “mild crush†on, and who among us, my friend) and Deontay swim to retrieve the two shields floating on the water. Poor Bergie is still tied up after everyone else is free and probably would have remained that way throughout the duration of the mission had Phaedra and Sandra not taken pity on him.
All aboard the struggle rowboat. To no one’s surprise, the mission does not go swimmingly (I’m sorry). There is no leader but no shortage of aspiring ones — everyone shouts random instructions at one another until they finally stagger (doggy-paddle?) to victory with seconds remaining.
Back at the castle, in an interaction so seemingly inconsequential I did not initially bother to jot it down in my notes, Peppermint and Trishelle chat about how they hope they live long enough to wear more of the fabulous outfits they packed. Trishelle jokes, “If I get murdered, she’s a traitor.†Peppermint is dramatically mock-offended. Before the clock chimes mandatory adult bedtime, Trishelle is already gossiping about her castmate’s “weird reaction.†Surely this won’t be blown out of proportion.
Under the dark of night, up in the turret, Dan and Phaedra are both excited to see the other revealed as their co-traitor. Who will they choose as their third? Well, there’s always Janelle, Dan’s Big Brother castmate. And what about genius game-player Parvati? Though she’s already garnered some suspicion, maybe that’s not such a bad thing. There’s also discussion of anointing Sandra, or of splitting up the game’s only couple by bringing Larsa into the turret.
Also, whoops, I almost forgot: They still have to murder someone.