Is that white smoke I spy emerging from the castle chimney? Habemus traitor: Her Unholiness Parvati Shallow. She is thrilled, and so am I. Throughout the episode, before Parvati finally discovers who the two original traitors are, it’s a pleasure to watch both her and Dan at work, feeling out each other’s gameplay, taking one another aside in private to smilingly assure each other they’re not traitors and that they’ll have each other’s backs. This is going to be fun!
Dan suggests killing Kevin, a choice that would theoretically baffle everyone because he hasn’t done anything. Hey, no strategy is a strategy! Throughout my childhood, I never figured out what any of the buttons in Super Smash Bros. did, but I nevertheless did okay because I just cowered in the corner and hid from all the other players the whole time.
Phaedra is happy to mostly defer to Dan, though she does offer that Kevin is “nice†and Johnny Bananas is “sort of†funny. They might not be terribly strategic, but as far as I’m concerned, these contributions are invaluable: By leaning into who she likes, Phaedra could act as an audience proxy, ensuring the cast remains enjoyable to watch. Thanks to her, I feel secure that I will get the continuous IV drip of bitchy one-liners clinically necessary for my survival.
The sun rises over the loch, the moors (Actually, are those moors? I don’t know, babe, I’m from New Jersey), and a lone noble elk (Or maybe a moose? Again — New Jersey). The players file into breakfast, anxious to see who has perished overnight. Whereas Phaedra’s social game is predictably excellent — I’m fairly certain John has already given up at least three U.K. state secrets to her, unprompted — Dan seems to have a tell. At breakfast, while the rest of his face does its best to compose itself into a normal expression, his eyes are so wide I’m mildly concerned they might plop out of their sockets.
I like Parvati’s black headband, black bow tie look a lot more than what she was wearing in the premiere — this is more Blair Waldorf and less Samantha Parkington. Also, it is not lost on me that Tamra appears to be wearing a tam. That is all I have to say about Tamra at this time.
Our cast is now, figuratively and literally, one banana short of a bunch: Johnny is dead. That sends a strong message, indeed. A powerful contender has been eliminated, but without the considerable contribution to missions he could have offered, the group may now be looking at a prize pot of, like, eleven dollars and forty cents. Dialectical behavior therapy teaches us that opposite things can both be true: Johnny Bananas is an asshole and I’m sad to see him go.
Trishelle brings up her conflict (“conflictâ€) with Peppermint, which is … news to Peppermint. In response, Peppermint walks the length of the breakfast table like a runway in her cream-colored catsuit with brown leather gloves and matching lapels so pointy they could skewer one of Dan’s errant eyeballs like an olive. “If you get murdered, it might be by my look, but it won’t be because I’m a traitor,†she says. The Supreme Court has heard worse defenses than that. Also, Peppermint points out, “The bitch is sitting at the table. She’s not even dead.†True! She’s effectively on trial for a murder that hasn’t even happened, very Minority Report.
For today’s mission, the category is “lumberjack.†The contestants are split into three teams, wearing matching flannel overshirts in red, blue, or yellow. Alan, for his part, is wearing a sort of Wicker Man natural-fibers headband; somebody greenlight (another) remake and cast this man as Lord Summerisle.
The teams must make their way to a field where $20,000 is hidden as fast as they can. But to get there, they have to answer a series of questions (each one tucked away in a locked box) about their castmates, picking up and carrying a scarecrow wearing the name card of the person they’ve chosen as their answer. If correct, the key dangling from the scarecrow should unlock the next box.
I deeply fuck with a freaky scarecrow, and these are straight out of a rickety haunted hayride staffed by genuinely alarming local teens. But this mission kind of sucks. For one thing, we’re told these questions — about everyone’s opinions of their fellow players — are based on previously completed questionnaires, but we’re not told precisely when those questionnaires were conducted, which seems like vital context! Dan points out this could be great polling data for the traitors, calling attention to alliances, threats, and weak points. For example: It certainly does not go unnoticed when the first question reveals that Marcus is the person whose opinion the group values most.
“Pace matters — we can’t dillydally,†John says in a confessional, and then we immediately cut to him belly-flopping into the mud.
Question two: Who’s the most popular player, Deontay or Peppermint? The universal consensus is Deontay — except within Peppermint’s own group, where they awkwardly defer to her, and then even more awkwardly change their minds halfway through and run back for Deontay’s scarecrow (dropping hers “on the ground,†Peppermint notes in a confessional). But, lo and behold, the Deontay key doesn’t fit! (Again: I imagine the timing of this questionnaire really matters!)
The last question asks who needs to speak up more: Dan or Shereé? Ruh-roh! Dan is the correct answer, and everyone knows it. His plan to speak only when spoken to may be working against him. How low a profile is too low?
The teams reach the field, where dozens of scarecrows loom, CGI-ass birds swooping menacingly overhead. Ten scarecrows contain gold, three contain immunity shields. Dan “double bluffs†by going for a shield in a bid to convince the others that he feels unsafe, as the true, innocent, bona fide pure-as-the-driven-snow faithful he, of course, is. The contestants end up recovering a not terribly impressive 16 of 20 total gold bars, and only Dan actually manages to find a shield.
As if the stink of death weren’t already on Peppermint, back at the castle, she slips up in conversation and says “traitor†when she means “faithful.†As far as most of the group is concerned, she may as well have signed a confession in her victims’ blood. That said, at the roundtable, she does have some support. Maks, correctly, tells Trishelle that she’s peddling a “non-story.†Shereé, an actual living, breathing witness to the conversation in question, is also on Peppermint’s side — it wasn’t a “big thing†at all.
Janelle is eager to remind everyone that John, apparently, breathes like a murderer. Tamra Judge: Medical Detective (coming to Investigation Discovery this fall) has determined that he doesn’t have an inhaler despite claiming to have asthma. Well — he was asthmatic in his youth, he clarifies. Frustrated, John insists that all their votes should be based on real evidence. Yeah, but … what evidence? There is none. Free idea for the Traitors production team: What if we introduced a roundtable twist where, at least sometimes, the contestants could refrain from voting, choosing instead not to banish anyone at all? (I realize that this would make the season much, much longer, but you will not hear me complaining.)
The vast majority of players vote for Peppermint, though John and Trishelle catch a few strays. That’s right: Of the three players who received votes, not a single one was a traitor. As Metro Atlanta’s foremost attorney-slash-mortician, Phaedra reminds us that this is not unlike the real-life justice system: “Innocent people go to jail, guilty people get away with murder. It’s all a treacherous world.â€
Peppermint steps into the circle of truth — she is, of course, a faithful, unfairly deprived of an opportunity to further advocate for the trans community, not to mention to turn more looks. Gone too soon.
Everyone feels guilty, especially Trishelle, but no one more so than Deontay, who rattles off an unexpectedly emotional, gripping monologue that I’m just going to print here in full:
“She was a beautiful person, though. That shit hit me so hard because when you have so many people go against you like that, and you just know, you’re just like, ‘I’m trying to tell y’all.’ Damn. That shit makes me wanna cry because I can like — I relate to that. I know what it feels like. People go against you, bro, and that’s not a good feeling, man. [Teary exhale. His face registers a further painful realization.] Oh, man — to know that I’m a [pointing for dramatic emphasis] part of it now.â€
That was … kind of amazing? Is Deontay soft-launching an acting career?
Trishelle says she feels like an “absolute piece of trash on the floor,†and yet when Maks won’t let her off the hook for her (significant) part in banishing Peppermint, she becomes upset and reverses course, denying responsibility. Own it, lady! Meanwhile, Marcus gently but directly tells Dan that he noticed he didn’t say a word at the roundtable. As he sees it, one could imagine that a traitor might want to stay quiet too, because they’d be happy that the group was targeting a faithful and not one of their own. (I see why the cast trusts Marcus’s opinion!)
Parvati heads up to the turret, suspecting that the other traitors will turn out to be Janelle and Sandra. But she doesn’t seem disappointed when Dan and Phaedra take off their hoods. On a scale of one to “Gene Parmesan?!?!?,†I’d grade her reaction at least a six.