We rejoin our players in the aftermath of Dan meeting a terrible Phaete at the round table, a.k.a. some of the best television of 2024. (I realize it is only February. I said what I said.) It remains to be seen: Will true-blue Faithful Peter accept Parvati and Phaedra’s invitation to join the Traitors?
… He will not! I gasp! (I am averaging 1.6 gasps per episode of The Traitors, which is an impressive statistic.) Peter couldn’t bear to betray his team, he explains. He wants to keep his word and win “the right way.†Do I have a crush on Peter? Shut up, you do, don’t look at me.
“What a dummy,†Parvati concludes bleakly. There will be no murder tonight. The deep shit she was already in has just grown significantly deeper and shittier. Then again — if anyone could dig themselves out, it would be her. (In other news: Please run me over with that ATV.)
When everyone arrives at breakfast alive, the players immediately deduce that no murder means there must have been a recruitment attempt. Peter doesn’t say a word, only whispering to John that he’ll have something to tell him later. Parvati, however, cannot wait to ask who got recruited: “We got a new Traitor in the house. Is it you, Peter?â€
“Well, Parvati, I guess this means you’re not a Traitor if I’m still here,†Peter says, and I can’t say I totally understand the strategy there, but okay. She immediately seizes the opportunity to sow suspicion about this apparent “big change of heart.†Parvati has her animal-print “predatory headband†on, and it’s Bachelor hunting season. After breakfast, Peter quickly rounds up the rest of the Scooby Gang — besides John, that’s Bergie, Kevin, and Trishelle — and fills them in about the recruitment letter. He promises, promises he’s still on their side and assures them that he has a plan — they just have to banish Parvati, and they have to do it tonight. Trishelle suggests keeping Parv, a “wounded bird†as it is, and instead going for Phaedra, who’s surrounded by protective allies in the Bravo bloc.
That’s when Phaedra enters and tries to join the conversation. They shut her out as politely as possible. Et tu, Bergalicious? Then MJ tries creeping in herself, more boldly resisting their requests to give them privacy. For a few moments, she just awkwardly shuffles in place, giving me ample time to appreciate the fact that her pants have at least 12 pockets on them, before running — literally, running — back to the others.
Elsewhere in the castle, she, CT, Shereé, Kate, Parvati, and Sandra circle up around the largest pool table I have ever seen. (Or is this what snooker is? On second thought, please do not tell me under any circumstances.) Sandra, using all her Survivor-honed muscles of strategy and persuasion, uses the billiard balls to demonstrate her grand theory of the game. The green ball is Peter, you see, and he is the boss, and … I don’t know. I love you, Sandra — and your pals are clearly riveted — but this isn’t it. Anyway, she argues that their group (the so-called “Leftoversâ€) will be doomed if there’s a Traitor among Peter’s clique, so they must banish one of the Scooby Gang now or else risk being outnumbered in the future. From here, it requires very little finessing by Parvati and Phaedra to get the Leftovers to agree on voting against Peter.
For today’s mission, Alan — wearing a charming green gumdrop of a hat and fishnet sleeves over his blazer, like a partial, asymmetric exoskeleton — summons the players to his beautiful, ancient woods, which have a beautiful, ancient Scottish name that sounds to me, a known idiot, like either Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney. I never do know the difference.
They must carry bags of gold (in denominations ranging from $500 — an amount of money you “can’t buy a good pair of shoes with,†per Phaedra — to $10,000) through the woods without getting caught in a trap, earning up to $25,000 in the process.
But first, they must pair up. Phaedra looks up at CT. CT looks down at Phaedra. “How you doin’?†he smirks. Okay, I obviously have a crush on CT because I have a pulse.
The players navigate through the woods according to questions posted on signposts — choosing one answer means going left at the crossroads, and choosing the other means going right. Then, they’ll find a scroll along their path. If they are correct, the scroll will inform them that they’re on the right track. If they’re wrong, whichever player went to pick up the scroll will be caught in a trap and removed from the mission. The pair (or surviving single) who makes it through the woods the fastest will be rewarded with shields for their efforts.
Hilariously, the first question asks the players what the name of the woods is: Dorman McDarach or Darach McDorman? Peter and Trishelle don’t have the slightest idea but opt for the former. When Peter steps forward to retrieve their scroll, he falls through the leaves and into a pool of muddy water up to his shoulders. [Gasp No. 2.] He’s done, and so are his chances of claiming a much-needed shield. Trishelle must continue on alone with the $10,000 bag of gold in her custody. Bergie gets similarly trapped, leaving Shereé without a partner.
The second question: What shape occupies the center of the ornate, compass-like symbol on the round table — a sun or a moon?
Phaedra and CT choose the sun. When he goes for the scroll, a net hidden on the ground snaps up around him and hoists him into the air. It’s a classic booby trap, part Wile E. Coyote and part Jason Voorhees. “I think it was the moon,†CT calls down to her, perfectly deadpan.
Shereé and MJ meet the same fate. Kevin and Sandra and Parvati and John are the only complete pairs remaining; Trishelle, Kate, and Phaedra forge ahead on their own, none too happy about it. “Oh Jesus, oh lord,†Phaedra pants as she walks directly into plants that it doesn’t seem like one should be walking directly into.
The third signpost asks which Latin phrase is emblazoned on a wall in the kitchen: keep your enemies close, or keep your friends close? Trishelle, Kate, and Phaedra incorrectly choose enemies and as punishment are hoisted into the sky like CT. (At first, I was kind of disappointed that the producers couldn’t have rustled up a third unique trap for us, but then again this one is pretty sweet.) Now, only Kevin, Sandra, Parvati, and John remain in the game.
To answer the last question, the players must choose which of the two versions of the portrait wall (with the players’ pictures arranged in different orders) is correct. Both teams guess right and successfully make their way out of the woods. “Well, Parvati, you’re the triumphant warrior,†John intones, holding her hand like he’s about to smooch it. “The ultimate survivor.†(a) John’s type is Traitors, (b) Andy Cohen, we’ve got to get this man a Friend Of gig somewhere.
When all is said and done, the prize pot only grows by $8,000. The shields go to Kevin, Sandra, and Sandra’s Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes- level excitement. Parvati is almost as enthusiastic about imminently murdering Peter.
Back at the castle, Peter finally learns that he’s on the chopping block from CT. He asks Parvati and Phaedra into the armory for a private chat — a surreal look at the could-have-been population of the turret had Peter accepted their invitation. He suggests working together; they are emphatically not interested. Parvati looks uncomfortable, but Phaedra is entirely on another level. She repeatedly gesticulates and sighs, “See? This is what I don’t like. This kind of stuff. Like … I don’t like this. It’s … I don’t like it,†then flees the room as soon as possible. Phaedra wants no part of a potential Peter plot; being booby-trapped once today was plenty.
But Alan has a plot of his own in store. Under cover of darkness, the players are driven back to the Dylan Dermot McDermott Mulroney woods, where they gather nervously around a fire. Our host explains there won’t be a round table or a banishment tonight. The Traitors will commit a murder, but the players will first decide who among them should be spared — ultimately leaving just five people vulnerable to possible slaughter.
Because Kevin and Sandra won shields during the mission, Alan lights the torches in front of them, indicating their immunity. Now it’s on them to jointly choose the next player to be spared. Interesting! Sandra lights Shereé’s torch, granting her protection. (Her odds of making the finale of The Liars are looking better than ever.) Next, Shereé chooses to save Phaedra, who sheds tears that may be, in part, strategic but are also seemingly genuinely inspired by her more than twenty-year friendship with Shereé. The Bravo Bravo Fucking Bravo bloc remains strong.
Phaedra lights CT’s torch, which comes as an unwelcome surprise to Parvati, who expected her fellow Traitor to save her. Really? Why would Phaedra risk associating herself with her at this point? It’s not like Parvati is at risk of being murdered by … herself. Did she just want a public vote of confidence in her faithfulness from a player that most of the group finds credible? While I could see Phaedra delivering a persuasive closing argument in defense of Parvati at some point, that seems way too dangerous right now, given how toxic Parvati’s reputation is and the fact that Phaedra was just accused of being a Traitor (even if unsuccessfully!) at the last roundtable.
Likewise, Trishelle is confident CT will spare her, given they’ve known each other for decades. But he’s torn and ultimately decides to go with John because CT feels he’s more vital to the Faithful contingent. She’s devastated when he passes her over.
Only one more player can be spared. John must choose from MJ, Peter, Bergie, Kate, Parvati, and Trishelle. Unsurprisingly, he saves Peter on the grounds that he is both “mighty clever†and “forensically focused†on finding the Traitors. Phew! The bloodhound lives to fight another day, and his anxiety is palpable enough for the previously skeptical Sandra to wonder if maybe he is a Faithful, after all.
These decisions have negative consequences outside of the pending murder: Feelings have been hurt. Trishelle is truly very upset about what she feels was a betrayal by CT. CT is, in turn, upset that he hurt her but also upset that she would expect him to choose their relationship over making the best possible move in the game. It’s kind of sweet to watch, actually, because the only conclusion I can draw from this scene is that they really do care about each other. Meanwhile, MJ is “really, really, really disappointed†that none of her allies saw fit to spare her. “I do want some red wine because I’m very angry,†she announces upon marching into the bar.
When the Traitors debrief in the turret, the atmosphere is tense. Phaedra warns Parvati to stop acting like an “ice princess†(with a pretty solid impression of Parvati’s trademark brows-furrowed scowl of a thinking face). Can’t she try being “more lovable�
These women don’t (currently) have the option of killing each other, so it’ll have to be someone else. But who? Nobody suspects Kate, and they could always try recruiting her in the future. (Please, if there is a god, let this happen.) But Bergie, on the other hand, is one of Peter’s closest allies. And then there’s MJ, who’s likely too well insulated socially to ever be banished and will, therefore, need to be disposed of in another way. Of course, we won’t know how this shakes out until next week, but just in case, I hope MJ has access to an unlimited supply of red wine.