Something ba-a-ad is happening in Oz. The year is 2024, and with each tick of the Time Dragon Clock, we come closer to finally seeing what Wicked, one of Broadway’s most beloved and deranged musicals, will look like onscreen as not one but two feature films. Press Secretary Madame Morrible’s promotional machine is humming along, turning out a Super Bowl teaser, a tie-in moment at this year’s Academy Awards, and as of March 21, a glossy photo shoot in Vanity Fair. We’ve seen what director Jon M. Chu’s vision of Oz looks like, heard Cynthia Erivo’s “Defying Gravity†battle cry, and come to terms with bottle-blonde Ariana Grande. But through all of this, a crucial component of the Wicked story has been alarmingly absent. Dr. Dillamond is nowhere to be found.
Dr. Dillamond is, of course, a talking goat, and he is a surprisingly huge part of Wicked. In both Stephen Schwartz’s musical and the Gregory Maguire novel on which it’s based, Dillamond teaches Elphaba and Glinda (still going by her deadname, “Galindaâ€) at Shiz University, before he and all other animals are banned from teaching and magically rendered mute in what I think is meant to be a metaphor for 1930s Germany? Yes, in this fascism allegory, persecuted peoples are literally depicted as animals. No, it’s better if you don’t think too hard about it.
If you don’t know a thing about Wicked, or only know the music, or even if you haven’t seen it in a while, you’d be excused for forgetting about Dr. Dillamond; he only appears once in the cast recording, bleating his way through the expository “Something Bad,†a contender alongside “A Sentimental Man†and “Dear Old Shiz†for Most Skippable Track. But I cannot stress enough how much of the show’s action, themes, and character development hinge on the goatly professor’s plight. Pretty much the entire chain of events that spur Elphie into becoming the broom-straddlin’ baddie Wicked Witch of the West can be summarized as “steampunk Zootopia.â€
Last year, Wicked cast member Bowen Yang revealed on Watch What Happens Live that Dillamond will be in the movie, has yet to be cast, and was being played by a puppeteer named Louisa on set as a stand-in. (The topic arose because Andy Cohen seems to hate Dr. Dillamond.) Since then, neither hide nor hair has been seen of Dillamond in any of the promo to date, his real-life absence becoming a chilling echo of what happens to him in the plot. The VF photo shoot had every character but the goat, taking pains to include such genuinely rando Ozians as “Pfanee†and “Shenshen.†This is starting to feel more like Universal is engaging in a cover-up. Where has the goat gotten to? Some theories:
Theory one: Casting hold-ups and change-ups
One major theory floating around online is that the role of Dillamond will be gender-swapped and played by Idina Menzel as a nod to longtime fans of the show. After all, women can be doctors too! And they can be goats! This theory would explain why they’re saving her as a big reveal. I’m personally dying to see how the movie’s VFX team creates a goat with Menzel’s features. There’s no way it won’t be haunting. A more depressing theory is that the surprise celeb casting will be James Corden, which … please, please no. My personal wackadoo theory is that Wicked producer Marc Platt managed to get his son Ben the part. His jackhammer vibrato is legitimately perfect for the role.
Theory two: Life imitating art
Is there a world in which Dr. Dillamond was cut from the film altogether, just like how Oz-Gestapo dragged him away from Shiz? It’s true that the talking animal holocaust plot probably scans better onstage, where things don’t have to look “realistic†and the audience more readily suspends their disbelief. Based on the trailer, Chu isn’t going for staginess in this adaptation; this is meant to be a fully lived-in world with weight and grandeur, and there’s no easy way to make talking animals a part of that. There is also some evidence for this theory: Fiyero (Jonathan Bailey) is pictured on horseback in the VF shoot. Doesn’t seem like people would be riding around on horses in sentient-animal world. But then again, they’re turning this one play into two giant films; they really can’t afford to lose even a second of plot.
Theory three: The goat still looks like goat shit
The third and most likely reason why the goat is missing is that the animation and VFX teams are still rendering down to the last possible second. Onstage, Dillamond is an actor in practical makeup and costume, but we know that the film version will most likely be CGI, thanks to Yang’s anecdote about the stand-in puppet. They probably tried a number of ways — full-goat, more-man-than goat, more-goat-than-man, furry concept art — and maybe test audiences still just aren’t buying it. Remember Sonic the Hedgehog’s teeth? Remember the Cats butthole cut? Universal wouldn’t want a story like that overshadowing the whole narrative on their giant prestige tentpole, so they’ll withhold Dillamond until they have to play their hand. They should have just hired Black Phillip to play him; that goat’s got talent.
Anyway, have you seen this goat? Contact our tipline in the comments below.