Austen is a prick. If you have been watching these here Bravo reality television programs along with me for all of these years — and I know you have — you should know this already. In fact, this whole season of Winter House hasn’t really taught me anything about the cast. Craig is an awful drunk, Kyle is a crazy drunk, Luke is hot but boring and also a drunk, Amanda yells too much when drunk, Paige only hangs out with these people because she’s drunk, Ciara is so drunk she can’t clean her room, and Carl and Lindsay are sober so they had to leave. I’m getting no learning, no new knowledge. But sometimes it’s nice to just marinate in your sweet spot like the worm floating in a bottle of tequila you bought at the Puerto Vallarta airport.
Before we can move on to anything else — and the only other thing of note in this episode is really just Austen being a prick and Jess being [a series of gesticulations that amount to a shrug] — we have to wrap up Dick Touch Gate with Lindsay and Austen. They’re at this bar in Vermont that has garage doors as walls and it is so cold that my toenails just fell off, jumped in a storm drain, and are now making their way toward the Florida Keys. All of the girls, except for Lindsay, are sitting around talking about whether or not Carl knows that Lindsay tried to grab Austen’s third boat shoe the night of Kyle and Amanda’s wedding, when they supposedly started dating. They decide he obviously doesn’t know, ’cause he and Lindsay are still together. But what if he knows and just doesn’t care? Just because their truth is that they would leave a person if they found out they did that doesn’t mean that Carl cares.
Kyle decides that Carl really needs to know because everyone is talking about it and tells Austen to tell Carl. From a reality TV standpoint this is excellent. This is gold. Definitely do this and watch us all cringe like our mom just kissed us on the cheek on the middle-school playground. From a life standpoint, this is a really stupid idea. Also, Kyle, you’re his broseph; just go tell him. Why you gotta make it crazier? Instead, Amanda (who I think secretly loathes Lindsay) elects herself to tell Lindsay that Austen is telling people that she touched his dick.
Lindsay’s defense is that it didn’t happen. Then she says she may have touched his leg and he said it was his dick. Austen backtracks and says he didn’t say she touched his dick — she just made an advance. Um, sorry, but on this show we have editors. ROLL THE TAPE.
Austen: “Like I literally had to take her hand off of it.â€
Now, Mr. Kroll, would you like to revise your statement? I always thought this whole scandal was like a vegan hamburger, no real meat and quite tasteless. So what if Lindsay touched his dick? Who cares about the timeline? Carl and Lindsay are happy and together, and even finding out that she might have gone in for a little grab, Carl doesn’t care. He says it’s in the past and they’re together and happy and that’s all that matters. Everyone else is concerned about it because their relationships are a bit more fragile. Meanwhile, Lindsay and Carl are just loved up and sober and don’t care at all.
The next day, Carl and Lindsay leave before the sun is even up, and I haven’t seen that side of a sunrise since having a paper route when I was 9. Everyone else goes skiing on “Gaper Day,†which is apparently a day, usually in April or late spring, when everyone who lives in a ski town dresses up crazy to make fun of all the tourists on the mountain. The problem is it is not April, none of these people live in the ski town, and they’re just the stupid tourists. But Kory wore a unicorn costume and somehow made it erotic, so I’m down for the whole thing. Actually, the real winner is Jason, who carries Rachel all the way down the mountain on his back because he is the nicest man on Bravo, and we should all marry him and let him cook for us and then show off his abs and then throw his cloak down over a puddle and then open all the doors for us. Thanks, Jason.
When Jess gets to the bottom of the mountain, she’s talking to Jason and Luke about how she thinks that she and Kory are dating now. Jason tries to soft-pedal this because he sees what everyone in the house sees: that Jess is way more into this than Kory. Jason says in confessional that this always looked like a fling and he’s surprised that Jess is taking it this seriously. “You don’t think we’re dating?†Jess asks Jason when he’s being skeptical. Jason tells her that she would have to ask Kory.
While Jess is at the bottom of the mountain telling the boys she wants to be exclusive with Kory when she leaves the house, Kory is on the top of the mountain telling Austen, a human fraternity paddle that fell off the wall and lost one of its letters, that he has no intention of being exclusive when they leave. Duh! Of course not. They’ve been messing around on vacation for a week. They barely know each other, they live in separate cities, they’re both young and hot and like to screw. This is not the setup for a relationship. This is a “if it works, it works†situation. He might go to L.A. She might go to N.C. They might sext. They might hook up here and there, but no one should think that this is the start of a great romance. This needs time to grow.
Jess’s problem is that she wants everyone to be as bullish on this as she is. She pulls my husband Kyle Cooke aside and tells her she is disappointed that people are downplaying her relationship and her feelings for Kory. She says everyone “wants it to fail before it happens.†First of all, no one cares if it succeeds or fails. Second, they’re not wanting it to fail, they’re trying to clue you into the fact that it is going to fail because Kory doesn’t want it to succeed. She thinks Jason is being negative but, as always, Jason is being kind. That is what he does. He makes breakfast sandwiches and is nice to you and even the bacon, egg, and cheese is nice because you didn’t even ask for it, he just made it. How can you get mad at Jason?
The final fight is between Ciara and Austen, and it is so stupid that I want to crawl underneath the wadded-up towels on Ciara’s floor and never emerge. They’re playing some game that is like Truth or Dare mixed with beer pong. The boys ask all the girls when the last time they had sex was, and Ciara says that she did it right before they got the house. Austen calls her a hypocrite for talking about her sex life but he can’t bring his “girlfriend†Olivia to the house. Dude, what are you even talking about? This makes no sense at all. Ciara is single. You have no attachment to her. She was not trying to rub this information in your face. In fact, she only brings it up because you (meaning the boys) asked her about it. What is your damage?
Ciara storms off and Paige, always the good friend, stays and yells at Austen for her. “You haven’t talked to her in four months since you fucked her!†Paige yells at Austen. You know it’s serious because Paige has her karate-chop hand up by her face like she’s about to Michelle Yeoh this cabin and send it crashing off the mountaintop.
Paige then explains the situation perfectly. Austen hooked up with Ciara in the fall because Olivia went on a date with another dude to a dog wedding. (Don’t ask.) The next day he says he’s going back to Olivia. And this is the girl he wants to bring in the house and he has no idea that Ciara is mad about it? At Amanda’s urging, Austen tries to apologize to Ciara in her room and she throws him out. Is it because she’s sick of Austen or is sick of fans (and recappers) dragging her because she can’t pick up her laundry? Probably some of each.
Ciara makes a great point to Austen. She says that he is always putting her in awful situations. It’s true. This summer, he totally played her with the whole Lindsay thing. This trip he tried to spring the Olivia trap on her. (Did he really want his girlfriend around or was he trying to do her a solid and get her on another show? Both? Who knows, who cares.) God, this guy is just a sports-bar urinal cake that somehow found its way onto the floor. May we never have to see him again. May we never have to look at his scratchy-ass, three-button gray sweater ever again. May we never have to hear why he prefers IPAs to all other beers. We should get our wish soon because next week is the season finale, and maybe we can all just wish Austen out of existence like some kind of reverse Tinker Bell.