Dear Lord, our heavenly father, we are gathered here today to say a prayer of thanks, not just for you but for this whole season of Winter House, which was a low-key blessing during a difficult time. We would also like to ask for protection for the cleaning crew that had to be called to power wash, fumigate, and otherwise disinfect the house after our loveable losers left. May the Catholic Jesus keep them safe from the wretched smells, the sticky surfaces, and the stiffness of Kory and Jess’s sheets. May you clear their front porch of Amazon boxes, sweet Jesus, and may you see them all safely home so they can do it again in six months for Summer House. In Andy Cohen’s name, we pray. Amen.Â
Yes, I spent most of this episode thinking about the cleaning crew and the poor owners of this house who will inevitably be surveying the wreckage, like when you see families on the news walking through the remnants of their home after a tornado looking for just one photo album. There wasn’t a ton else going on in this episode except for, well, Jess and Austen being the living worst. That is not news. That is some dog bites man bullshit. Happens every day.
The episode starts with everyone returning from either wine tasting or bike skiing (two dangerous things that taste dangerous-er together) for some kind of etiquette dinner. I love that all of the meals and requisite attire is themed, but there didn’t seem like a lot of etiquette going on here. As they get ready for dinner, everyone is filtering through the kitchen, eating the lamb chop lollipops as if they’re some appetizer. Bitches, this is the main course. If you finish it all, you’ll get to share Kory’s string of pearls for your dinner. Finally, when everyone sits down, Ciara asks them what they shouldn’t talk about at dinner. The obvious answer is sex, politics, or religion, but our crew shouts out, “Abortions,†“Butt Stuff,†“Dingleberries,†“Dirty Sanchez’s,†“The Info Wars podcast,†“Anal warts,†“Lindsay’s miscarriage,†“That Glenn Close still doesn’t have an Oscar,†“Any support of JK Rowling.†I mean, this could go on all night.
Instead, Rachel brings up that at the bar a few nights back, Jess told her something that upset her. What Jess said is along the lines of, “I have tits and ass, and I get guys, but they never stay. You may get guys more slowly, but they stick around.†Yes, that does seem like a bit of a slam on Rachel’s looks, but I can see how from Jess’s Sam Bankman-Fried perspective, that is a compliment. She’s saying that, yes, she may be hot, but she can’t keep a man. Rachel has a great personality, so people don’t just want to fuck her; they hang around and want to chill with her.
We see this in action. Rachel hasn’t gone all the way with Jason (that we’ve seen), but they have a much better shot of making it happen than Jess and Kory. Just look at the thoughtful date that Jason planned for her, decorating the living room with plants and setting up a little art studio for her. Contrast that with Jess and Kory. They go around the table on the last night talking about their favorite moments. Jess says it was getting to know Kory. Kory is like, “Skiing was fucking rad, man. Shred that gnar!†and not one mention of the woman whose bed sheets he has been sullying.
Anyway, I see how Rachel took Jess’s comment the wrong way. From her point of view, Jess was saying, “If you had an ass and tits like me, guys would love you.†I can see how that is triggering. What I think was even more triggering is that the rest of the girls piled on Jess like she was the last Taylor Swift concert ticket. I really think the only reason that Rachel even brought it up was that the rest of the girls were egging her on. Paige and co. got what they wanted, a venue to rip on Jess, but at the expense of Rachel sobbing because no one would even listen to her.
I don’t know how this fight dissolved so suddenly, but now everyone is screaming. Kyle and Amanda are in the kitchen with a teary Rachel, and the dudes escape to the back porch to gossip out of the line of fire. Jess pulls Kory inside and says she doesn’t know why no one likes her. “Rachel fits in, but I’m the ugly duckling. Bitch, I’m the hottest one here,†she says. Okay, so is being hot her burden and people just want to bang her and not get to know her, or should she be the most popular one because she’s also the hottest? Get a clue, Jess.
The only thing worse than that is what is going on with her and Kory, who keeps telling the guys that they are not dating, that he does not want to be exclusive, and her farts stink like rotten Sweetgreen. Not that last part, but I know it to be true. She sits him down and says she wants to be exclusive, and he tells her that he is worried about the distance and wants to take it slow. When everyone is packing up, they’re talking, and Kory says, “I want to progress things and…†before he can even finish his sentence, Jess butts in with, “And be exclusive.†No! No one wants to be exclusive with you. Certainly not Kory, who is going home to a Carolina to try it on with every girl who attends the spin class at his gym.
The last night is Jess’s birthday, so they have a “stages of life†party where everyone dresses like a baby or a teen or Ciara in a bikini whose costume was nebulous but whose body is so good it moved my number on the Kinsey Scale two notches. Kyle and Amanda win the best costume for dressing as an old couple like Johnny Knoxville in the Jackass movies. Austen is just wearing some kind of mullet wig, and even the editors are like, “We can’t with this guy,†and just flash “?????†as his costume.
Austen decides that he wants to clear things up with Ciara. Ugh, this is why Austen is the worst kind of man. He’s a dude who treated her like crap for a year. He showed up in the Hamptons, ignored her, egged her on, kissed Lindsay while they were in the house, hooked up with her, and left her for another girl. I mean, Austen’s litany of crimes against this woman is long. And still, he is the sort of man with an ego so fragile that he’s like, “I want to be friends.†No, dude. If he wanted to be friends, he should treat her like his friend. Instead, he treats her like a piece of shit and then wants her to exonerate him by continuing to tolerate his asshole behavior.
Luckily, she basically tells him that she’s through with him. She doesn’t want a relationship; she doesn’t want a friendship; she wants to be done with him. Again, this is why Austen is the worst. He’s going to be like, “I tried to be friends, man. I did everything right. She cut me off.†He’s going to try to come out looking like a saint. This dude is on reality TV. We’ve seen it all. We’ve seen you be such an asshole even proctologists don’t want to look at him.
In the morning, no one is packed whatsoever except Rachel, who has had her bags ready for two days because she’s a preparer like that. Everyone is shoving two weeks’ worth of costumes into luggage that won’t fit them all, and Jess is going around asking everyone if she thinks Kory wants to be her boyfriend. (She didn’t really, but she did spiritually.) And everyone filters out. The snow out back is melting. The trees on the mountain are starting to bud, beginning their cycle of life for another year. The animals are coming out of hibernation; the sun is starting to provide warmth like a shot of Fireball going down the gullet. Nature is healing, relationships are mending, hangovers are pounding, and everyone files off into oblivion, their secrets hidden under a layer of snow, their hopes frozen in the earth, and their party themes floating in the ether like a cloud that is about to dump snow on an unsuspecting village.