Heather Havrilesky Author Archive
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Heather Havrilesky

Columnist, the Cut.
See all their articles from across New York Magazine
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  1. ask polly
    Good-bye, New YorkI’m headed to Substack and expanding Ask Polly to find new ways to help readers cultivate compassion and joy. Come with me!
  2. ask polly
    ‘My Boyfriend Refuses to Change’Do you want a real partner, or someone to admire from afar?
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    ‘I Feel Like My Rage Might Eat Me Alive’You’re sad and lonely and you need to start asking for the love and support you deserve.
  4. ask polly
    ‘I’m Not Ready for Isolation to End!’Instead of blaming yourself for where you are, accept yourself and stand up for your preferences.
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    ‘My Dad Died, and Now I’m Worried I’m Headed for Divorce’You’re using your anger at your husband as a distraction to keep from facing this enormous loss.
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    ‘I’m Too Old and Washed Up to Succeed!’You need to rid yourself of negative delusions and build a more resilient vision of your future.
  7. ask polly
    ‘Should I Leave My Good Job to Pursue My Artistic Dreams?’Stop surrendering to your worries and learn to enjoy the risks and adventure of a creative career.
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    ‘I Only Want to Date Men Who’ve Been Through Therapy!’What you’re looking for is someone who’s curious and open to learning new things.
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    ‘I Want My Family to Love Me Unconditionally’The cause of your sadness isn’t the same as the solution.
  10. ask polly
    ‘My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me!’Your bedroom has become a battleground where all of your fears and anxieties go head-to-head.
  11. ask polly
    My Friend Group Dumped Me and Now I Have No One!It’s time to stop trying to please people and start being your true self.
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    ‘Do I Have to Thank My Weird Aunt for Her Terrible Gifts?’Even though her inability to hear you is triggering, consider the big picture and choose your battles carefully.
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    ‘Everything I Do Fails, So I Don’t Even Try’You keep yourself safe from investing in the world because you don’t want to be disappointed.
  14. ask polly
    ‘People Tell Me I Seem Like a Snob Whenever I’m Quiet!’Confident, self-possessed women often make people nervous.
  15. ask polly
    ‘Why Can’t I Stop Lying All the Time?’You’re struggling with avoidance, anxiety, and shame.
  16. ask polly
    ‘How Do I Live Like an Artist?’Stop battling yourself and embrace the truth, no matter how ugly.
  17. ask polly
    ‘I’m Freezing My Eggs and It’s Kicked Up So Much Rage!’Throw away this complicated puzzle and reconnect with the people around you.
  18. ask polly
    ‘Why Do Other People’s Interests Make Me So Insecure?’Strong reactions sometimes hint at long-buried desires that need to be addressed.
  19. ask polly
    ‘I’m Miserable and I’m Taking It Out on My Husband’You can’t build a stronger connection when you’re committed to chaos.
  20. ask polly
    ‘Most of My Friendships Were Toxic, But Now I’m So Lonely!’Until you learn to assert healthy boundaries, you’ll struggle with all of your relationships.
  21. first person
    Are You Aging Correctly?Ask yourself who benefits when women gracefully fade into the background.
  22. ask polly
    ‘I’ve Made So Many Mistakes and I’m Way Behind in Life’You have to learn to get beyond guilt and shame.
  23. ask polly
    ‘My Limited Experience With Love Has Been Totally Humiliating’When situations are murky and confusing, it’s often women who soak up all the shame.
  24. ask polly
    ‘Help, My Pandemic Crush Feels So Real!’The key is to tap into desire and imagination without always attaching it to this particular man.
  25. ask polly
    ‘How Can I Feel Confident While I’m Going Through Chemo?’When you let the truly difficult parts of life come at you full force, it can transform you.
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    ‘My Future In-Laws Are Assholes!’Stop judging and take the risk of trying to understand them.
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    ‘I Feel Ashamed of Almost Everything’You need to learn how to be who you already are.
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    ‘Is an Open Relationship With My Ex a Bad Idea?’You have to trust your gut.
  29. ask polly
    ‘My Boyfriend Bugs the Hell Out of Me!’It’s time to step away from fear and shame.
  30. ask polly
    ‘I’m Sure My Boyfriend Is Secretly in Love With His Co-worker’It sounds like you’re the one who’s obsessed with this woman.
  31. ask polly
    ‘My Ex Keeps Emailing Me and I Hate It!’Ask yourself why you’re unsettled by his affection.
  32. ask polly
    ‘Why Do My Friendships Always Fade Away?’You have to learn to ask your friends for what you want from them.
  33. ask polly
    ‘I Feel Ugly and Lonely and I Don’t Know How to Change’It’s time to abandon your old tricks and feel your way forward.
  34. ask polly
    ‘Is This the Worst Possible Time to Break Up With Someone?’Now is the time to shower the people around you with compassion.
  35. ask polly
    ‘I Don’t Think I Can Handle 18 Months of Isolation’Resolve not to fixate on the millions of terrifying possibilities you cannot control.
  36. ask polly
    ‘Is My Sexy Poet Friend Manipulating Me?’You need to spend some time thinking about the value of boundaries.
  37. coronavirus
    Denial Is the Only Thing We’re Prepared ForAt the start of this pandemic, we’re living in the default mode of American culture. Can we change?
  38. ask polly
    ‘I’m Trans and I Feel Unlovable’Stop retelling other people’s bad stories and write your own instead.
  39. ask polly
    ‘My Dream Man Moved On. Should I Wait For Him?’You need to start loosening your grip on this obsession.
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    ‘I Can’t Get Over My Married Lover!’Look around and ask yourself what this guy had that you wanted.
  41. ask polly
    ‘I Want to Dump My Beautiful, Loving Girlfriend’It’s not selfish to pay attention to your desires.
  42. ask polly
    ‘No One at Work Respects Me!’Shift your energy from fixing to observing.
  43. ask polly
    ‘I Moved Off-Grid With an Emotionally Stunted Older Man!’You need to spend some more time getting to know yourself.
  44. ask polly
    ‘I Have Everything, But I’m Still Sad and Angry’Stop stigmatizing your restless desires.
  45. ask polly
    ‘I Don’t Know How to Feel My Desire’You have to learn to face your shame and sit with it.
  46. ask polly
    ‘My Life Is Pathetic!’Life doesn’t become easy and stay that way.
  47. ask polly
    ‘I’ve Lost My Joy and I Want It Back!’Give yourself room to breathe and be alive and wild.
  48. ask polly
    ‘I’m Addicted to Rejection’Find the people who can see your rays of light.
  49. ask polly
    ‘I’m Trying to Go Gray and I Hate It!’Listen to what you’re feeling.
  50. ask polly
    ‘I’ve Never Had Sex, and I Feel Like I Never Will’You need to tune in to how much control you have.
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