Zac Efron, Million-Dollar Babe

Dear Zac,

We would just IM you or send a message on Facebook — did you know that restraining orders mean you can’t even write on someone’s wall?? — but we figure that blogging you an open letter is the next best thing. Anyway, we meant to do our usual “Zac Efron nipple� Google Image search this morning, but we accidentally typed your name into Google News (news is for old people!) and found out that Disney only wants to pay you one meeelion dollars (do you like Austin Powers? It’s my older brother’s favorite movie) to star in the real movie version of High School Musical. Zac: Please do it! Even though we think your voice and your chest should earn you zillions, $1 million is a lot of money. And your fans need you!! We can’t imagine anyone else dancing and smiling and playing basketball like you, and even though we feel a little jealous about you dating that dumb and ugly and stupid Vanessa Hudgens, we still love you and would pay $10.50 or a million fifty to see you in a movie theater (Hairspray just wasn’t enough!). Please think about it.

We love you,

Nick Catucci

Lowball Offer [NYP]

Earlier: Zac Efron Is a Big, Hard-Bodied Liar, Too