An Imagined Conversation Between Tony Bennett and Kanye West

For reasons beyond the reach of human comprehension, planners for last night’s Emmy Awards seated Kanye West next to Tony Bennett. What did they talk about? We speculate.

Kanye: Hey, sorry I’m late; I was throwing a tantrum. Did I miss anything?

Tony: Just my baffling performance with Christina Aguilera and two jokes about Hayden Panettiere’s 18th birthday — by Ryan Seacrest and Neil Patrick Harris, of all people. Plus I won an Emmy for singing the same songs I’ve been singing for the past 65 years. Who the hell are you?

Kanye: I’m Kanye West. I have the No. 1 album in the country.

Tony: Hey, that’s great. [Falls asleep for 35 minutes.]

Kanye: Tony, wake up. They’re presenting the Emmy for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Special.

Tony: Thanks, Kanye. [Wins award. Brings it back to seat. Falls asleep for another half-hour. Is awakened by Sally Field’s loud cussing.]

Kanye: Can I hold your Emmy? I’ve never won a real award — or a Grammy — before.

Tony: Sure, you can keep it. I have to go help Little Steven break James Spader’s legs.

Kanye: Wow, thanks, Tony Bennett!

Fin