10 Commercials That Shouldn’t Turn Into a TV Show

Tonight at eight is the series premiere of ABC’s Cavemen, the show based on the popular (?) commercials for Geico car insurance. We’re forecasting the show’s cancellation for sometime in the next two weeks, and when we’re inevitably proven correct ABC will have a prime-time slot to fill. We hope that better senses prevail, and they avoid making another series based on a TV ad. But, if they do decide to try again, here’s our list of Ten Commercials That Would Make Even Worse TV Shows Than the Geico Cavemen — and we’ve even got the pitches ready!

10. Lifecall

“Okay, how about this: An hour-long action-comedy about a team of Lifecall operators who dispatch help to toppled elderly, returning them to their full upright positions. You’ll laugh till you have chest pains!�

9. Imodium Advanced

“Frasier, the Cheers spinoff about psychiatrist and radio talk show host Frasier Crane, was one of the longest-running, most-beloved sitcoms in television history. But let’s be honest — wouldn’t it be funnier if Kelsey Grammer were the constant sufferer of sudden severe diarrhea attacks?�

8. The LL Cool J Hotline

“Kid Nation is a huge hit, right? Well, this would be like a prequel to that show. What made parents so upset that they were willing to leave their children for dead in the desert? The kids probably called into the LL Cool J Hotline without their folks’ permission.�

7. Mars Blackmon

“It’s perfect! It combines America’s love of basketball with its love of wisecracking African-Americans! Whaddya mean, Spike Lee’s busy? Well, just cast that Urkel kid then.�

6. Iron Eyes Cody

“Okay, so that’s the teaser in the pilot. Then, after the credits, Iron Eyes Cody goes fucking apeshit on the guy in that car — with the war paint and the tomahawk and I don’t know what-all. We call it Iron Eyes Cody: Environmental Vigilante. You know, he’s a hard-boiled badass, but he’s not afraid to cry.�

5. Freedom Rock

“Just two dudes, enjoying our American independence by living in an abandoned bus and listening to the Deep Purple and the O’Jays. It’d be like Cheech and Chong crossed with Into the Wild.�

4. Bad Idea Jeans

“Okay, we know the original ad was a parody, but just think about it. I’m seeing an hour-long relationship drama about white guys in their thirties. They make horrible, horrible mistakes, but they always bounce back. Here, even though my hands are dripping wet, let me plug in my laptop to tell you more.�

3. Lamisil Nail Fungus Treatment

“Prior to the invention of prescription-only Lamisil, we bet you had no idea there were terrifying-looking goblins living under your toenails. But you know what else is living under there? Sitcom potential! Digger and his dysfunctional family of dermatophytes would poke fun at life’s little absurdities … you know, when they’re not causing your toenails to turn yellow and fall off.�

2. Stanley Steemer

“People love 24, right? Well, this would be a show about a counterterrorism team, but, instead of Jack Bauer, it has Cody, the golden retriever who wipes his ass on things! He could foil terrorists’ plans by leaving streaks on their stolen, top-secret government documents, rendering them smelly and illegible. Oh, come on — it would be adorable!�

1. The Geico Lizard

“Hey guys, what about the lizard? Wouldn’t you watch a sitcom with that adorable little toff? You know, just him walking around, having adventures — maybe in L.A. — and we could give him a love interest, um … a, like, an iguana … maybe we should renew the cavemen, actually.�