Listen, it’s not that we don’t love or respect Dick Clark and his Rockin’ New Year’s Eve; however, when presented with the choice of ringing in the New Year watching Seacrest or the cast of Jersey Shore, we’re going with Option B every single time. It was a bold move on MTV’s part to schedule a new episode of their hottest show on a night when a large chunk of their demographic is out drinking their cares away, but damn if we didn’t watch it all the same. With that in mind, let’s get down to business and start counting down our ten favorite catchphrases from the most recent episode.
10. “I’m about to eat a sausage right now. Italian sausage. Fuck you all!†—Snooki
If there’s one thing that the cast of Jersey Shore loves more than hooking up, it’s dining on fine cuisine. Depending on the time of day, that meal may be anything from pickles to DeliFresh ham and water. However, in this episode we learn that nothing helps your body recover from an evening of brawling with haters like some late-night Italian sausage.
9. “That kid is never going to be able to fuckin’ walk this earth again ‘cuz he’s known as punching a girl in the face, okay?†—Vinny
We’ve been giving Vinny a lot of shit in the last couple of recaps because of his distinct lack of personality. However, in the wake of the vicious beat down of Snooki that kick-started this episode, his heroic actions have made us realize that we have underestimated him all along. After prowling the boardwalk looking for something, anything, to punch, he ended up calming himself down by kicking some metal grates instead.
8. “That’s why I don’t eat frickin’ lobster or anything like that. Because they’re alive when you kill it.†—Snooki
Jonathan Safran Foer, watch your back: There’s a new animal-rights activist on the scene.
7. “Shnickers is, like, crying because she got punched in the face and the Situation is creepin’.†—Ronnie
Hey, Ron Ron, don’t hate the player, hate the game! The Situation took some crap from his roomies because he was brazenly hitting on hotties mere minutes after Shnickers Snooki took a punch to the kisser, but we didn’t see any real issues with his actions. After all, why should the Situation deprive the female population of Sleazeside of a chance to romp with his twelve-pack?
6. “I’m a vet tech. I save animals, I don’t kill them.†—Snooki
What are the odds that Snooki has ever heard Meat Is Murder by the Smiths? Unless there’s a dance remix with beats by D.J. Pauly D that we’re unaware of, we’re guessing that they’re fairly slim.
5. “I think it will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They’re not like whores.†—Pauly D
There’s no denying that there’s a certain lure to the rooftop hot tub, but Pauly D and the Situation have not been as successful with the women so far this summer as they might have expected. They encountered some more resistance this week when three women came over for drinks and left fully clothed. Better luck next time, fellas.
4. “You know what? You’re excluded from dinner, then. You’re excluded from Surf-and-Turf Night. You’re excluded from Ravioli Night. You’re excluded from Chicken-Cutlet Night.†—Mike “the Situationâ€
As a means of helping Snooki recover from her injuries, the Situation took it upon himself to make a hearty meal of Surf AND Turf for the entire house. However, he became enraged after dinner when his ex-flame Sammi “Sweetheart†refused to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. We have a feeling that the Situation is the kind of guy who holds grudges, so it’ll be interesting to see if his feud with Sammi (and Ron Ron) culminates in anything other than a verbal confrontation.
3. “My hair’s windproof, waterproof, soccerproof, motorcycle proof. I’m not sure if my hair’s bulletproof, I’m not willing to try that.†—Pauly D
It wasn’t entirely clear how the gang scored themselves an invite to Sleazeside’s version of Lake Havasu, but we’re fairly certain the lake that they were romping in contains more crabs than your local Red Lobster. The highlight of the afternoon was clearly when Pauly D hopped in the water and not a single hair on his head moved.
2. “I would give her dick and bubble gum. I would send her a picture of my dick and a pack of bubble gum and say, ‘Chew on this!’†—Ronnie
As a way to ensure that J-WOWW would resist the urge to stare at Pauly D’s pierced peen, her boyfriend Tom sent her a batch of what we were informed were rare blue roses. We have no idea how he got the number of a florist on Pandora, but props out to him for sending his woman space flowers. However, Ron Ron was less than impressed with Tom’s actions and described exactly what he would do if he found out that his woman cheated on him.
1. “I dance because it’s something inside of me. I feel the beat, right? It might just so happen that my fist might pump in the air.†—Vinny
Vinny! After remaining silent for the better part of the show’s first four episodes, he proved himself to be an MVP this time around. After the youngest cast member did his best to seek vengeance for Snooki’s beat down, he explained his inability to resist house music to the ladies that Pauly D and the Situation failed to hook up with. His slick dance moves at Karma ended up paying off, though, as they helped him hook up with a cougar near the end of the episode. The only problem? Said cougar is his boss’s ladyfriend. Whoops!
Until next time,
—Juice Springsteen