We still think that there’s something slightly disingenuous about MTV’s decision to pull footage of Snooki getting punched in the kisser by a drunk gym teacher from Queens from last night’s episode of Jersey Shore. After all, considering the network let the proverbial cat let out of the proverbial bag in the closing minutes of the show’s two-hour series opener by including the dramatic sucker punch in their season preview, it doesn’t exactly show any courage of conviction to try to pretend the moment never really happened (especially when they put a picture of a post-punch Snooki sprawled on the floor in obvious pain on their website). Yet that’s exactly what they did last night, as the screen went black at the moment when Jason Ferro unleashed on our poor little Shnickers Snooki. Making matters worse, the editors positioned the moment at the very end of the show, which will ensure that everyone continues to talk about the issue for at least one more week. Very sneaky, MTV, very sneaky; we hope you enjoy eating your ratings cake! But anyway …
Without any further ado, here are the top ten catchphrases from the fourth episode of Jersey Shore!
10) “Just because you see our faces close doesn’t mean I’m fucking him.†—Jenni “J-WOWWâ€
J-WOWW continues to struggle with her feelings for Pauly D and his pierced peen. She has a boyfriend back home that she wants to remain faithful to, but she can’t help but grind on “that toolbag with the blowout†when the house music starts pumping at Karma. We have the same problem ourselves!
9) “I couldn’t have sex with my girl, she had her period. I go to take her pants off, she wouldn’t let me. No big deal.†—Pauly D
We never would’ve figured Pauly D was the red-wings type, but it just goes to show that getting some strange on the Jersey Shore is better than not getting any at all. However, we’re very proud of Rhode Island’s hottest D.J. for respecting the wishes of the young filly that he brought back to his Sleazeside pad.
9) “I coulda been like, you know, ‘Peace, fuck you,’ I’m gonna go do me and have like this wonderful summer and not think twice about you.†—Jenni “J-WOWWâ€
Like we mentioned above, J-WOWW is having some issues staying true to her boyfriend. Because we would never advocate cheating on one’s significant other in any form or fashion, we do kind of wish that J-WOWW had taken her own advice and chosen to dump her boyfriend before coming on the show, mainly because we’d love to see/hear even more pillow talk between her and Pauly D.
7) “I’m not trying to fall in love on the Jersey Shore. I’m just trying to hook up.†—Pauly D
This notion of avoiding falling in love on the Jersey Shore at all costs was one of the running motifs of this episode. Other than the nearly mute Vinnie Vinny (where did he disappear to this episode, anyway?), virtually every cast member said a variation of this phrase during the hour. But we liked the elegance and simplicity of how our boy Pauly D said it the best. Hooking up is where it’s at!
6) “When I say I’m ready to go wild, I’m gonna go wild.†—Snooki
We don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the ways we love the Princess of Poughkeepsie. Her love of sunsets? Check. Her unrivaled appreciation for pickles? Check. Her fearlessness when it comes to hooking up with either men or women, regardless of their physical attractiveness? Check. Her ability to do back handsprings in bars while wearing a micro-mini (and subsequently flashing her nether regions to a national television audience)? Check. But most of all, we love it when Snooki declares that tonight’s gonna be a good, good night.
5) “Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.†—Ronnie
The rivalry between the Situation and Ron Ron simmered down a bit, as the Situation seems resolved to the fact that Ronnie and Sammi “Sweetheart†are a couple. We really wish that the Situation would’ve been around when Ronnie started crying, as it would’ve led to an epic ball-busting sesh at the barber shop. Alas, Ronnie got in the week’s best zinger when he described the Situation’s propensity to make out with anything that moves.
4) “You gotta stay ‘fresh to death,’ I call it. Fresh outfit, fresh haircut, fresh tan. Just stay fresh.†—Pauly D
We could not agree more. If we didn’t have three more quotes to run you through, we’d stop the post right here and now and make a beeline straight for the nearest tanning booth. So since we’re sticking around, we hope you do the same!
3) “Yes, I had sex. Like, hello? You’re gonna have sex if you’re into somebody. It’s natural. —Sammi “Sweetheartâ€
Sammi and Ron Ron did the deed last night. Or, to use Ronnie’s parlance, they “smushed.†Frankly, we’re shocked he didn’t tell the Situation and everyone at the barber shop that he pounded Sammi out, especially when the barber asked him if he’d “gotten any pussy.†Maybe Ron Ron’s more of a gentleman than we thought?
2) “I’m hookin’ up with my girl, Pauly’s hookin’ up with his girl, and, uh, we’re gonna have sex. So, you know, that’s the Situation.†—the Situation
Sadly, the Situation didn’t end up getting his pickle tickled that evening. Still, huge bonus points for managing to work his soon-to-be trademarked catchphrase into an interview with producers.
1) “Chill out, Freckles McGee.†—the Situation
We really hope that Lost’s Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse were watching last night. We’d love to see the Situation added to the cast of the show for its sixth and final season. After all, he could really give Sawyer a run for his money when it comes to doling out nicknames. And we’re fairly certain that if the Situation dropped this line on Kate, there would definitely be another marathon banging session in those cages over at Dharmaville.
Yours always,
—Juice Springsteen
P.S. Never forget!
