You know, when we were little and our parents would tell us that “all good things must come to an end,†we never really believed them. Chalk it up to the fact that we’ve always been glass-half-full types, we guess. However, when the season finale of Jersey Shore came to a painful end last night, we finally understood what they had been preparing us for all those years ago. After nine truly spectacular hours of television, we dried the crocodile tears from our eyes and bid (what hopefully is just a temporary) adieu to Angelina, Vinny, Sammi “Sweetheart,†Ron Ron, J-WOWW, Pauly D, Shnickers Snooki, and the Situation. While last night’s episode could be classified by some as perhaps being overly nostalgic and a little light on explosive drama, we found it to be an apt end to what we all concur was an unforgettable summer in Sleazeside Heights. So without further ado, let’s get to the countdown of the episode’s top ten catchiest catchphrases.
10. “The dude was face down, though. I’m sure you had a better sleep than he did.†—Mike “the Situationâ€
The cliffhanger of last week’s episode had our boy Ron Ron sitting in the back of a police car in handcuffs after he knocked some jabroni cold with “One shot, kid, one shot!†As this episode opened, we found out he had to spend the night in county, after which he was spotted softly crying on the shoulder of Sammi “Sweetheart.†When he arrived back at the beach house, he was visibly shaken, which prompted the Situation to pump his roomie up by reaffirming his masculinity by complimenting his punching prowess. Or something.
9. “To us, past the Jersey Shore.†—Ronnie “Sweetheartâ€
As we noted yesterday, the romance between Sammi “Sweetheart†and Ronnie “Sweetheart†is one of the greatest love stories of this or any era. As Ron Ron uttered these words to his partner in smushing, their relationship seemed to hold nothing but promise. After the reunion special, though, their future seems to have dimmed considerably. Even still, this toast will live on as a reminder to why maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to fall in love at the Jersey Shore.
8. “Nah, Israelis would’ve been like [insert machine gun noise here].†—Vinny
We never really did get closure on the burgeoning relationship between Pauly D and his “mad weird†ladyfriend, but we’re guessing that this gross generalization uttered by Vinny didn’t help Pauly get laid.
7. “No, that’s not cool, that’s not cool, that’s not cool! Oh fuck, that’s not cool, that’s not cool, that’s not cool! Last person I want to see is my fucking ex. That’s not cool.†—Nicole “Snookiâ€
Poor Snooks. All she was looking for all summer long was a hot juicehead that would gladly fetch her pickles whenever the mood arose. However, she ended the summer dancing solo by herself on the boardwalk as her heartless ex looked on from above. FHL, indeed.
6. “No, she was 18. That ass did not look 12.†—Mike “the Situationâ€
Why do the roommates always get so upset when the Sitch starts creepin’? After all, as he has openly proclaimed in the past, “The only thing we care about is gettin’ girls.†(Well, that and going to the gym. And the tanning booth. And doing their laundry.) And for the record, this particular honey was one of the pretty ones.
5. “Big is out and lean is in.†—Mike “the Situationâ€
You hear that, juiceheads? The Situation has spoken. (We’re not sure either Snooks, J-WOWW, or Sammi “Sweetheart†would agree, but still … ) Let this be a mantra for you to live by.
4. “Down here at the Shore, one minute you got three girls in the jacuzzi. Next minute, somebody’s in jail and you have to bail them out.†—Mike “the Situationâ€
We know that this list has been heavy on quotes from the Sitch, but let’s face facts, without him, there would be no show. Not only does the man got more quotes than Roget, but he’s always able to succinctly sum up what life is like in Sleazeside Heights.
3. “I see a bunch of gorilla juiceheads. Tall, completely jacked, steroids, like multiple growth hormones. That’s, like, the type that I’m attracted to.†—Jenni “J-WOWWâ€
Last week, Vinny told us that he prefers his women this way: “Fake boobs, nice butt, looks like a model.†However, this time around, J-WOWW described the kind of man who could sweep her off her feet on Labor Day weekend. Funny, she didn’t mention anything about penis piercings.
2. “If you’re hungry, try a Snickers.†—Mike “the Situationâ€
Snooki bookended her summer on the Shore with make-out sessions with the Situation. It’s not as if Mike was creepin’, exactly; it was more that he recognized Shnickers Snooki had had a bad day and that the best remedy was to give her a couple of friendly French kisses in the hot tub. But the best part came a few minutes later when the Situation removed himself from the jacuzzi, only to head downstairs and fire up a heater with a look of wistfulness on his face that we never previously deemed him capable of.
1. “Oh my God, the gorillas are comin’ out. It’s juicehead central right now. I’m in heaven.†—Jenni “J-WOWWâ€
We already knew of J-WOWW’s affinity for men who inject illegal substances in their bodies, but the way that she flipped out when she saw a bunch of beefcake bozos walking down the boardwalk was a moment for the ages. Just how anxious was she to get a look at some anabolic ass? She went as far as to beg out of her shift at the Shore Store early! Pure amazingness, plain and simple.
Well folks, that’s all for now. It’s been a great season hangin’ with all of my fellow juiceheads out there. Until next time …
Yours always,
—Juice Springsteen