Welcome back, everyone, to our much-loved Jersey Shore recap, in which we pinpoint the ten best lines of each episode. Last night saw the return of our seven old friends, plus “classy†Angelina, and it was totally great in a “the gang’s all back!†kind of way, if not a little low on actual drama. (Yes, we realize calling a show that contains multiple screaming matches “low on drama†may seem strange, but we grade Jersey Shore on a curve.) Everyone made their way down to MIA (“which is Miami,†explains The Situation, helpfully) — The Sitch and Pauly D took a road trip through fireworks country, Snooki and JWOWW met the worst fist-pumper in the history of fist-pumping (after Snooki reluctantly parted with Emilo, her “amazing gorilla juiceheadâ€), Vinny bid adieu to his loving, sex-crazed uncles, and Ronnie and Sammie separately celebrated their singledom, which we knew would be short-lived and end badly. Down in South Beach, everyone’s reunited and feeling good, except for Angelina, who decides that the route to the other girls’ hearts is by accusing them all of being “shits.†Inevitably, the Sammi and Ronnie situation implodes within the first hour of living together, and we’re treated to the very familiar scene of the two of them arguing at a club, Ronnie on the verge of tears and/or punching someone, anyone, in the face. But amid all this commotion, some great catchphrases emerged. Let’s get to them.
10. “I heard a irritating voice. I don’t know who it was, but it was irritating.†— The Situation
Yes, that’s right, Mike correctly identified Sammi’s voice as she entered the house (which, we must point out, is much nicer than the shoebox in Sleazeside Heights). We were hoping that Sammi would have gotten a tad less annoying over the winter, but those dreams were dashed when she opened her mouth. Like any not-over-it ex-girlfriend, she’s convinced that everyone is trying to hook up with Ronnie (they’re not), and insists on monitoring him constantly (she’s glad she can “see him†from her room). Not that Ronnie is free of blame in this messy situation — he’s just less grating than Sammi, and so our sympathies fall with the big-lug man over the screechy woman.
9. “I really don’t want to cheat, like, seriously, I don’t want to. But if you’re going to hand me a bottle of freaking So-Co, something just comes over me; I just go crazy.†—Snooki
Snooki’s two-month relationship with Emilio is going strong — they play-fight over meatballs, and he, like any good boyfriend, spray tans her face for her. And yet she knows she’s not immune to the charms of other juiceheads, so sets realistic goals: She doesn’t want to cheat, but she’s pretty sure she will.
8. “I’m not even worried about it, I got AAA, I’m a gold member.†—Pauly D
“They shouldn’t let guidos in the dirt; we get dirty,†Pauly D says wisely of his and Mike’s adventures in the mud. Like that great guido before them, Cousin Vinny, Paul and Mike’s car gets trapped in muck — two different tow trucks are needed to get them out. But the besties take it in stride, happily setting off their fireworks while waiting for AAA. The downside: Pauly D ruins his new sneakers.
7. “His name is Ronnie, but you probably can call him Sloppy Joe.†—The Situation
Did Ronnie have a sick night out, or what? After getting wasted and calling Sammi “the worst thing you can call a girl,†according to Vinny, Ronnie goes all out at the club; grinding, creeping, falling down, making out. “Things always don’t end like a fairy tale ends,†says Sammi, as the scene cuts to Ronnie, with his tongue down two different girls’ throats. It depends on whose fairy tale you’re telling, Sam.
6. “Fried pickles. This puts pickles on a whole ‘nother level. It’s like a sliced pickle, but it was fried. It was crunchy, but it was juicy. Eating fried pickles was a life-changing experience.†—Snooki
On their way down to Miami, Snooks and JWOWW stop at a bar in Savannah, where Snooki discovers the joys of fried pickles. As you can imagine, she’s completely in love. To her credit, fried pickles are very delicious.
5. “Just because we’re from Staten Island, doesn’t mean that we’re going to get along with each other. I mean, she lacks brains, so, we don’t get along.†—Vinny
“Angelina! I thought I saw a ghost,†says Pauly D about the arrival of last season’s most despised cast member. Everyone hates Angelina, it seems, except for those who’ve hooked up with her (Mike and Pauly D). Vinny has made a pledge to look for “quality†girls this season, ones that don’t lack brains, and yet from the previews, we learn he beds both Snooki and Angelina. Come on, Vinny, you can do better!
4. “I’m putting Vaseline on my face, I’m taking my earrings out, I’m putting my hair up, and I’m beating the crap out of her.†—JWOWW
JWOWW has a way with fighting words, which she employs best when drunk and amped up. It’s sweet, though, that she wants to get comfy before punching Angelina’s face in. After a long, hard day, we also just want to get in our jammies before ripping anyone’s head off.
3. “I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin’ twenties washing this shit right now.†—Snooki
This line is, in a word, amazing. The shelf collapses on JWOWW, getting Ron-Ron Juice all over Sammi’s favorite white shorts, and the girls try to help her wash her stuff before it stains. Snooki hasn’t ever actually hand-washed anything before, and likens this experience to the pilgrims’ in the twenties. “Where do you want me to put these?†Snooki says, with a jokey twang and a garbage bag slung over her shoulder. And who says she’s an idiot?
2. “Ronnie is at the club, hooking up with grenades — that is bigger ugly chicks — and also landmines — which is a thin ugly chick — and loving life.†—The Situation
Landmines! We don’t even understand that, and yet, it’s still pretty funny. What’s the male equivalent, we wonder? Dirty bombs?
1. “You don’t deserve to be here, Angelina. And you’re a fucking white rat and you’re fucking pale and you’re nasty.†—Snooki
Watch the scene below in the clip for the full context — in essence, Angelina inserts herself into a conversation between Sammi, Snooks, and JWOWW, looking for a fight. But when she gets one, she plays dumb, telling us she’s “way too classy for this bullshit.†But Snooki takes her down, calling her the worst thing you can call a guidette: pale. Oh, snap!
Bonus Quotes!
“You should know about trashy, baby, you’re from Staten Island. Get outside!†—JWOWW to Angelina. Good thing Vinny wasn’t there to hear that.
“I am tan! And I like being tan, bitch!†—Snooki to Angelina, after she calls her “too tan.†We’re with you, Snooki.
“I love single Ronnie.†—Pauly D
Ron-Ron goes overboard, but we love it, too. Enough with the heart-to-hearts with Sammi. “Rooooooonnnnie.†Ugh, kill us now.
“Awwwwkard!†—Vinny
When Ronnie and Sammi first see each other, Vinny calls it like it is.
“Get your butt in here!†And leave your favorites in the comments!