Sinéad O’Connor is looking for lust. “Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man,†the recently celibate Irish chanteuse wrote on her site this month, appended with a list of deal-breakers that includes “Stubble is a non-negotiable must†and “Must not be named Brian or Nigel.†Since then, O’Connor has taken to both her official site and Twitter to live-blog the potential suitors, all while discussing her sexual appetite in gleefully graphic terms. “I know. Its a sin for mothers to talk about sex. Unless its missionary,†she tweeted. “SO VERY VERY happy to be weeny insect chipping away at Ireland’s sexual repression.†Here are eleven quotes from O’Connor’s sex quest that should do exactly that.
1. “My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners.â€
2. “I’ve been repeatedly asked will I ‘do anal sex’. Let me make it very clear … Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex … yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’ … Don’t apply.â€
3. “I did once ask [Irish politician] Alan Shatter to spank me … Of course Alan turned me down. As sensibly, did [U2 member] Adam Clayton (the only do-able one in the band). I wonder if he’d known I would have let him in the tradesman’s entrance would he have stopped to think about it for a millisecond.â€
4. “Went 2 doctor. He told me stop wanking. I said ‘why?’. He said ‘cuz I’m trying to examine u.’â€
5. “obligatory inter-racial sex in ireland wud solve our racist problems. I’d be very willing to be of assistance..â€
6. “Going bed. Alone. Hey u guys in U.S? Dave Chapelle is my dream man. Can u find out if he’s single and likes the backdoor?â€
7. “1 U.S guy e mailed simply saying ’I’m a great ass-fucker’ now why can’t Irish guys use such great opening (pardon pun) lines?â€
8. “Crying now. All alone. Saturday night. Every ugly bitch in the world is gettin’ porked but me. : (“
9. “I have begged God, that while he rightly banishes me from good men like yourself or Robert Downey Junior or Adam, could he salvage me a few from the section in-between guys like youse and guys like the one this week who because he is living with the mother of his children offered me a ‘once off experience which will guarantee you years of masturbatory material and will involve you crying in pain and being humiliated in a corner’ Yikes!â€
10. “I must say, my greatest amusement this week is that on this day last week I had 3 followers on twitter. since I mentioned anal sex I have almost 2000!â€
11. “I must end now as I have a hot date with a bananaâ€