Fug Girls: The Best and Worst Outfits at the 2012 Oscars

Listen, we know she's Meryl Streep, and therefore she gets away with a lot. But can we just remind you that the woman wore a banana clip to the Golden Globes? So we're thrilled to note that she showed up dressed to play for the big game in gold Lanvin, a dress that, in color at least, recalls the one she wore in 1983 when she won for Sophie's Choice. Clearly, gold's her good-luck charm.

We hate to think that no one realized how similar Stone's dress is to the Balenciaga Nicole Kidman wore in 2007, so we decided that she wore it as a shout-out to another famous Hollywood redhead. The bad news is, it didn't really work on either woman. Wearing a bow bigger than your face is rarely a good idea — especially when you have such a good face.

Before Gwyneth even hit the broadcast – as in, the second ABC's live-stream caught sight of her – the Internet blew up with frantic nail-biting over the presence of her cape. Sure, we were slightly bummed it was more The Matrix: Neo’s Angels than a real honest-to-God swashbuckling superhero number, but we still think it’s brilliant in an Only Gwyneth kind of way. Without it, the dress would be sleek but forgettable; with it, she’s dominating the buzz, no nomination required.

What did she wear last year, when she won? We’ve already forgotten. But we won’t let this vintage Dior slip our minds so easily: Polka dots are a rarity at the Oscars, and these have a quiet, dignified charm to them that you don’t usually conjure up when someone says the word “polka” in any context.

This is not to slight Bullock's face, which is always a happy sight. But we loved this dress when we’d just seen the back of it, which is sexy and flattering. Then things went awry: The front side of her bodice is baggy in a way that doesn’t seem stylish, and the detailing makes it look like a bejeweled skeleton is trying to hoodwink her into doing the lambada.

It’s still too close for us to call on this dress. On the pro side, we think the color is tremendous (some people said coral, but we call it orange), and there are some beautiful details here. But the peplum is a froof too far, as if it needed to pick one skirt idea and go with it, and the back’s inexplicable nude panel feels like somebody added it at the last minute because they realized the bodice wouldn’t stay up. In the end, we’re just glad someone with a naturally timid aura went so bold.

We're never going to get onboard with his weird Nazi-youth-slick coif, but his classic tux is almost perfect. If only he'd decided to take "classic" all the way to the finish line and worn a white shirt. The navy-on-black feels like he's trying too hard, when he should be aiming for "trying just hard enough." 

We were so nervous about this one, because Chastain has had more ups and downs on the red carpet than an elevator. But last night she ended up in the sartorial penthouse: This McQueen takes two predictable Oscar elements – black and gold – and mixes them in a stunning and glamorous way, giving us the real standout moment of the night. Finally she’s living up to her genetic material.

We wish she had pulled this off more completely. The sight of her without a wig was a thrill — she looks marvelous with her hair au naturel, and her dress is a fantastic color. But our disenchantment with the bustline led to full-on discomfort down by the hem, which looks like a high-fashion reef accident. Save it for Shark Week: The Movie.

On the red carpet, Mara told Ryan Seacrest that she picked this gown the morning of the ceremony. Unfortunately, it showed. What could have been edgy and cool came off droopy and unfinished, primarily because it didn't fit her properly. It’s hard to believe some tailor in Los Angeles wouldn’t have worked overtime to help, but it’s a helpful object lesson in how procrastination makes a crabby bedfellow.

Unlike Mara, everything Spencer wears is impeccably tailored. Last night was the jewel in her crown, a Tadashi Shoji that may not have been edgy or directional, but which hugged her in all the right places. This is a woman who knew tonight was her moment, and made sure the photos that would last forever were worth framing and hanging in the hallway.