The low comedy Ted has divided people into two camps, those who find its rote smuttiness, sexism, racism, homophobia, and fart jokes unendurable, and those like me, who — despite opposing most of those incorrect -isms — think watching a big teddy bear with a potty mouth do bong hits and bang hookers (though he lacks genitalia) is a good time out.
Mark Wahlberg plays John, the unambitious rental-car worker who, as a lonely boy, wished his bear could talk and ended up — a Christmas miracle! — with a BFFL. The bear, Ted, has grown up to be a serenely unemployed stoner (his Boston-accented voice is supplied by director Seth MacFarlane) with a fetish for Flash Gordon — the campy one scored by Queen starring Sam Jones. (“Flash! Dah-dah! Savior of the universe!â€) John’s accomplished girlfriend, Lori (megababe Mila Kunis), thinks it’s about time he stopped screwing around and asked Ted to move out, but John can’t quit his bear. If Ted weren’t a teddy bear, this would just be another story of a man-child forced to grow up. But the whole thing, of course, is the bear.
Wahlberg has become a great straight man — dopey and innocent, perhaps reliving the childhood he missed, having been too busy assaulting people as a juvenile delinquent. The lure of indolence is palpable, Ted’s effusions endearing. (“Ah, ya bahstahd, I love ya. I’m not gay.â€) Ted runs out of invention in its last act (the bear is coveted by a chillingly deadpan sociopath, played by Giovanni Ribisi, and the villain’s fat son), but I can’t think of a better movie to see if you’re male and want to get high and relive your idiot adolescence. Except maybe Flash Gordon. (Flash! Dah-dah! Savior of the universe!)