The Best Frozen Moments From the 2013 Golden Globes

Let's say you were trapped in Iran and only one man could save you? Which of these two would you pick: the guy who could barely reach the microphone or Earth's most bear-like supporting actor? You could comfortably fit two Tony Mendezes in John Goodman and still have room for a Golden Globe statue and half of Alan Arkin.

Back to the Future 4: Marty McFly goes back to the future, to 2013, where he poses as Michael J. Fox's son. He did a great job fitting that red puffy vest under that tux.

If Amy and Tina can't host next year, hopefully Darcy St. Fudge and Damian Francisco are available. They might not have A&T's Second City training, but they can get at least two surefire laughs out of Francisco's mustache and Fudge's teeth.

Bully to the Golden Globes for sitting the two greatest actors of our time near one another. "Hey, DDL, loved you in all those Oscar movies." "Why, thank you, Dax. And may I say, no one Punks like you Punk'd."

For a person who always acts surprised when she wins awards, she was unable to pump it up when it came time to graciously lose: When Adele beat her out for Best Song, she was not having it. She is able to mimic happiness for other's victories, as she proved when Jennifer Lawrence won. Just as long as it's not a trophy that is her personal birthright.

"Hey, guys! Over here! It's me, Ang Lee. You know, the acclaimed director? What's that? Oh, a movie star directed a good film this year and actors give more exciting and more handsome speeches than us directors? Okay. See you next time. Still super happy to be here, though!"

Next season on Homeland: Jess gets kidnapped by terrorists and they replace her body with a bouquet of roses. "I don't want to know what happened to you in Iraq, and I don't want to know why this is happening; I just want some Sudafed because this pollen is killing me."

Lets start a campaign today to get Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig to host the 2014 Golden Globes. But only if they can improvise the whole thing and refuse to see any of the movies.

Tommy Lee Jones was none too pleased with Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell. "Back in my day, actors never improvised. We read the words we were given and were happy to have the work. Every morning, I walked 40 miles in the snow to the Paramount lot just to get two lines to memorize. And because irony hadn't been invented yet, mustaches were only used to accentuate frowns."

John Hawkes: "Don't turn around, Cooper, but know I am right behind you, in the shadows, in all black. Hope you enjoyed that Best Actor Oscar nomination, because I'm taking you black-Hawkes down."

After having his name pronounced as "Lewis," Louis C.K. is like, "Eh, call me 'Lewis.' Who gives a shit? Just keep it moving so this can be over and I can rip off this tux and put on a black T-shirt again."

Aww, the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association pantomimed "Call Me Maybe" as if she were using a home telephone, and topicality collided with obsolescence. To celebrate this, someone should turn this into a meme and then fax it to her.

Somebody call Kenneth Parcell! NBC is bringing back Gold Case, but this time it'll be silver cases held by old dudes. Ernst & Young has already signed on as a sponsor.

"Ahre you-a laughin' at uhhh hour voiczez? Only we can uhh laugh at hour voiczez." "Yah, theese joke iz tobical. Steek around for our hunk on Dukakis, what a girly man."

In between being the best hosts ever, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey maintained their titles as best nominees ever. If you were a baby, would you prefer Clooney and Amy as your mom and dad or Tina and Jennifer as your two moms?

If anyone is looking for an awards-show hype-man, try Jessica Chastain. She reacted to Amy and Tina's Kathryn Bigelow–James Cameron joke like she was in the audience for Def Comedy Jam.

Everyone loved QT's expertly executed spit-take. Well, everyone except the woman sitting in front of him, who wondered why she spent seven hours in hair and makeup only to have both ruined by Tarantino's over-the-top showmanship.

For some reason, Ben Affleck thought it was a good time to try out his Three Stooges faces while walking to accept his Best Director award. We know it must've been hard not to get an Oscar nod, but that doesn't mean you have to go do vaudeville, Ben! (That said, perhaps he was just trying to make sure he sweeps the upcoming Nyukkies.)

I haven't eaten for, like, twelve roles in a row. I will devour your body and your essence, Amanda. Then I too will have butterflies show up when I sing.