All the Crazy Sh*t Done by the Many, Many Stars of Movie 43

When the first ad for the anthology film Movie 43 debuted, everyone had the same question: “Why did these movie stars agree to do this?� When you see the movie itself, the question occurs to you so many times that it loses all meaning. (Or as our critic David Edelstein asked himself: Was everyone blackmailed to be in this movie?) Many very famous to fairly famous people — Kate Winslet, Emma Stone, Hugh Jackman, Richard Gere, Naomi Watts, Uma Thurman, Kristen Bell, Chloë Grace Moretz, Halle Berry, Terrence Howard, and many more — said and/or did pretty gross things. Though many people didn’t see it, there’s still is a desire to find exactly what went down: Who shat on whom? Who fingered whom’s mouth? Here is a list, in chronological order according to segment, of the best and worst things famous people did and said in Movie 43.

“The Pitch�

• Dennis Quaid — who in the movie is pitching the sketches that eventually make up the rest of Movie 43 to a studio executive played by Greg Kinnear — talks about driving in a car with Isabella Rossellini. But because of her lactose intolerance, he had to drive with his head out of the window. You know: farts.

“The Catch�

• Kate Winslet goes on a blind date with Hugh Jackman. At first she’s excited, but …
• Hugh Jackman has testicles coming from his neck. Throughout the sketch, he rests them on a babies head, accidentally dips them into a bowl of vichyssoise, and when he gets cold, they retract closer to his neck.

“Homeschooled�

• Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber play parents who home-school their son. But to give him a real high-school experience, Schreiber calls him a “faggotâ€� and Watts calls him “fuck face.â€� 
• To give her son his first sexual experience, Watts French kisses him while he just stares forward not moving.

“The Proposition�

• Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are on a picnic. Pratt is going to propose, but before he can, Faris asks, “Will you poop on me?â€�
• J.B. Smoove to Pratt: “She didn’t say ‘shitting.’ Shitting is something you do on a whore. Pooping is what you do on someone you love.â€�
• J.B. calls laxatives “poop Viagra.â€�
• Pratt eats a lot of tacos on the toilet and then drinks a bottle of poop Viagra. 
• Pratt is ready, but Faris wants to be cute and romantic first.
• Frustrated, Pratt to Faris: “Roll over and let me shit on you.â€� Which causes Faris to run away.
• Chasing after Faris, Pratt gets hit by a car and poop flies all over the place.
• Faris’s response: “All of this was for me!?â€� 

“Veronica�

• Kieran Culkin works at a grocery store. He and Emma Stone have a fairly explicit conversation that, unbeknownst to them, is broadcasted over the store’s PA. Culkin says most of the vulgar stuff, but it really gets Stone going. 
• Emma Stone to Kieran Culkin: “You look like the kid who got cancer for Christmas.â€�
• Culkin fingers Stone’s mouth.
• A crying Emma Stone to Kieran Culkin: “Do you still like fingers in your butt hole?â€�

“Superhero Speed Dating�

• Justin Long plays Robin to Jason Sudeikis’s Batman. They were very bad costumes. Long is trying to speed-date.
• Uma Thurman as Lois Lane explains that she broke up from Superman, but now the hero just floats outside her window jerking off. “His jizz is like a shotgun blast,â€� she says, explaining why her window is broken.
• Batman hides under the table (there is no tablecloth; he is in plain sight) for Robin’s next date, which is with Supergirl (Kristen Bell).
• Batman about Supergirl’s vagina: “Dude, it’s like a giant cornfield. I feel like at any moment Shoeless Joe Jackson is going to walk out and ask me to have catch.â€�
• Leslie Bibb, as Wonder Woman, talking to Batman: “Do you know what it’s like going to Planned Parenthood alone when you’re Wonder Woman?â€�
• Robin kisses Supergirl, only for Batman to remove her mask and reveal it’s actually the Riddler.
• Batman: “Bush that size is good for only one thing, and that thing is hiding a wang.â€�

“iBabe�

• Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Aasif Mandvi, and Jack McBrayer have a meeting because teenage boys are trying to have sex with the iBabe, which is an MP3 player that looks like a full-size naked woman. The problem is the engineers put a small fan inside the MP3 player’s vagina and teenage boys are getting their penises mangled.
• Richard Gere: “Other MP3 players don’t have warnings not to have sex with it.â€�
• McBrayer introduces the iBabe special edition, which is a naked black woman.
• Gere feels up the iBabe and gets his finger slightly cut by the fan in her vagina.

“Middleschool Date�

• Chloë Moretz makes out with a boy on his couch.
• She stands up from the couch and you can see period blood through her light jeans. She runs to the bathroom. 
• When she gets back, the young date thinks fruit punch was spilled on the couch.
• Moretz tries to hide what has happened and stands close to the wall. As she moves, we see blood on the walls.
• Christopher Mintz-Plasse, as the older brother trying to help: “I have frozen peas and a sponge.â€�

“Happy Birthday�

• Johnny Knoxville captures a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) for his roommate, Seann William Scott.
• Butler: “Do you want the lights on or off when I fuck you with a pair of rusty scissors?â€�
• Butler: “Lick my crusty Irish taint.â€�

“Truth or Dare�

• Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant are on a date. They play truth or dare.
• Berry: “Are you circumcised?â€�
• Berry: “I can go home and watch Family Guy.â€�
• Merchant buys a stripper’s outfit and strips for a bachelorette party.
• Berry stirs guacamole with an obviously prosthetic breast.
• Berry, using a turkey baster, squeezes hot sauce into her vagina.
• They both get plastic surgery. Merchant is made to look like an Asian.

“Victory’s Glory�

• Terrence Howard:

“Bloopers�

• Jackman is dribbling water out of his mouth onto his neck-testicles and says, “I can’t fucking do it.â€� 
• Stone: “He’s had his finger in my mouth for two minutes.â€�
• Berry jiggles her giant prosthetic breasts around.
• Gere, McBrayer, and Mandvi trade off saying “mangle dicks.â€�

“Beezel�

• Elizabeth Banks moves in with Josh Duhamel, but Duhamel has a pet cat named Beezel that is “super silly.â€� (The cat is animated.)
• Banks walks in on Beezel jerking off to pictures of Duhamel.
• Banks imagines Beezel making out with Duhamel, which you see acted out in a thought bubble.
• Beezel pisses all over Banks.
• While Banks and Duhamel have sex, the camera cuts to Beezel having sex with a teddy bear while putting a brush in his own butt.
• Banks eventually hits Beezel with a shovel a whole bunch of times.
• Banks is killed by a bunch of kids.

THE END