March 3, 2014 3:19 pm

The Best 2014 Oscars After-Party Photos

By Jesse David Fox

Photo: Kevin Mazur/VF14/Getty2014 Kevin Mazur/VF14

After the Oscars, all the biggest names head to the Vanity Fair party, a giant indoor dog park for the most important stars to do the small-talk equivalent of smelling each other’s butts. Let us press our face to the glass for a moment and take a look at what went on, which shoulders were rubbed, and what odd intra-celebrity conversation is most mind-boggling to consider. Dive into this gallery to see Oscar winners, Oscar losers, dance contests, beefcakes, Parrotheads, old people, and a human RCA connector. As you click through the photos, one thing will be abundantly clear: They had a more fun last night than you. Well, except Fran Lebowitz – she seemed pretty over it.

"Bobby, how many ways do I have to tell you that you were too old to play Howard Hughes, Jordan Belfort, and Hugo from the movie Hugo?"
"Marty, alls I'm saying is you throw in a little scene where one of those characters has to meet someone else's parents."

"You might – and I'm saying might – be able to beat me up, Bruno, but I have more hair."

Sixteen years later and they're still arguing over top billing on Overnight Delivery.

"I should be a star of one of Judd's movies! Can you tell him that though I might not look Jewish, the B actually stands for Bar mitzvah?"

Here are your Oscars Prom King and Queen.

"You're getting pretty, pretty, pretty close, Ms. Lawrence."

"I don't know what to do about Jennifer Lawrence, guys. If we start dating, it will be a whole thing. I'll have to go to red carpets and meet new people. I, I, I've met enough people already. I don't need new people."

"Okay, let me get this straight. If I reach for things off high shelves for you, you'll get things from under the sink for me."

"Hey, Mickey, you have glaucoma medication [wink]. Also, do you know if Ellen's bringing pizza to this party too?"

"Whoa, Amy, this is what you look like outside of your sexless Her wardrobe? Karen, sing the 'Moon Song' for her, quick."

"Hey, Rosario, do you have a minute to judge a dance contest? Winner gets Michael Jordan's friendship."

"I have had it up to here." "Sí, but I've jad it up to jeere."

Two people who haven't released a book in the last 30 years.

Such an inappropriate occasion to enact their triple-kiss homage to MTV's Spring Break. Save that for Emmy night!

Greta, we have two very different yet very solid father choices for your new sitcom, How I Met Your Dad.

"I. Know! If we were a celebrity couple, we would be Jessten Biell."

An audition to play members of the Rat Pack, if the Rat Pack were also professional wrestlers.

This is awkward. Andy Samberg with both his wife and his former lover, Justin Timberlake's Digital Short mom.

"It's okay, Alfonso. We at Pixar thought the use of a fire exstinguisher was an allusion to Wall-E, not an outright rip."

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The Best 2014 Oscars After-Party Photos

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