Does Augustus Waters in The Fault in Our Stars seem like the perfect boyfriend to you? Sure, he’s attractive, devoted, and taller than everyone else in the movie by at least two heads, but look a little closer: Deep down, underneath that Manic Pixie Dream Boy exterior, Gus is super committed to making things weird. Awkward overshares? He’s got those! Subtle negs? Gus has plenty! Simmering intimidation campaigns waged against every adult who crosses his path? These are also a thing! Gus’s collection of tics and traits may seem harmless at first, but when his odd actions are listed one after another, they comprise no less than a dossier of madness. Be forewarned, though: After reading this spoiler-heavy list of every time Gus makes it weird, you may never again be able to see The Fault in Our Stars in the same way. Okay? Okay.
- When Gus barrels into Hazel during their first meet-cute and then careens into a doorway. And they say Isaac is the blind one?
- When Gus fixes his unblinking smirk-stare on Hazel during group therapy and refuses to look away, despite her obvious discomfort. Would this be as welcome if he didn’t look like a handsome, six-foot-two baby? No. Respect the friend zone, Gus.
- When Mike Birbiglia asks Gus how he’s doing and this American teenage boy replies, “I’m grand, yeah!†like he’s Hagrid from Harry Potter.
- When Gus asks Hazel her name and interrupts her reply: “No, your full name.†Later, he asks Hazel for her story, then admonishes her, “Not your cancer story, your real story.†Conversational traps: so sexy and romantic!
- When he constantly tilts his head to look at Hazel. Admittedly, he is about 45 inches taller than her, but why all the Dutch angles, kid? Are you in the first Thor?
- When he joylessly murmurs, “I enjoy looking at beautiful people,†like he’s reading sides for his Criminal Minds audition.
- When he touches Hazel’s hands and smirks that they’re “so cold.†Thanks for the neg, bro.
- When he won’t stop calling her “Hazel Grace.†This is not the little rapping girl from Ellen, Gus. Put it away.
- When Hazel comes over wearing a $5 Old Navy T-shirt and Gus suddenly turns into her Stitch Fix stylist and says, “I like this color on you.†Wan canary yellow, really?
- When, after receiving an email from Hazel’s favorite author, he smirks, “So, yeah, that just happened,†like an Instagram humblebragger who just selfied with Rihanna.
- When Gus calls Peter Van Houten pretentious, despite the fact that he himself is an 18-year-old who says things like, “Hush, I am in the middle of a grand soliloquy!†and “One day, all of our labors will be returned to dust.â€
- When he meets Hazel’s dad for the first time and things get deeply awkward. Forthwith, a translation of their unspoken hostility:
Gus: Hey, bro. I have a very convoluted plan to fly your daughter overseas, insist that we are dating, tell her I love her, finally make out for the first time, and then bang. I’m not sure why I’ve chosen to do things in that exact order, but I’m committed to it.
Hazel’s Dad: Haven’t you seen True Blood, motherfucker? I’m a shape-shifter, don’t step to me! I can turn into a ferret in a J.Crew button-up right now!
Gus: I love ferrets. Haven’t you heard? I’m quirky.
Hazel’s Dad: Take me home, then! Take me home, make me your pet, and have a blast when, out of nowhere, I suddenly turn into a naked adult man sprawled out on your bed. And not in a fun Robert Downey Jr. kind of way, either!
- When Gus responds to an innocent question about a picnic with the highly inappropes overshare: “That’s probably why I’m still a virgin.†He then draws two holes in the dirt, which is, admittedly, something that a teenage boy who hasn’t had sex would do.
- When he shows up the hospital to see Hazel and Mr. Lancaster enjoyably cock-blocks him, as if to say, “You ain’t shit, boy — and I’m married to Dr. Ellie Sattler, so I know shit when I see it.â€
- When he tells Hazel, “All your efforts to keep me from you are gonna fail,†which I believe is a Mark Wahlberg line from Fear.
- When he arrives at Hazel’s house with his partially unbuttoned shirt flapping in the wind as if to say, “Hey, Mr. Lancaster, check out my carefully sculpted teen torso! Guess who’s gonna get an up-close-and-personal view of it in Amsterdam? Your daughter, unngh, unngh.â€
- When he goes along with the charade that these children, who play siblings in Divergent, are assumed to be a married couple while dining in Amsterdam. Only on Glee and in Kentucky do teenagers get engaged this young!
- When, after hearing the devastating information that Anne Frank’s father was the only person in her family to survive the Holocaust, he’s like, “Hot, makes me wanna tongue my girlfriend, maaaaah.â€
- When he wakes up after losing his V-card and grins widely without showing any teeth. This is his go-to smile throughout the movie, and it’s insane! Try doing that right now! Don’t you feel a little bit like a sociopath?
- When, at breakfast the next day, he tells Laura Dern, “Mrs. Lancaster, do you think Hazel and I could have a little time alone?†Listen, buddy, poor Mrs. Lancaster just had to listen to you banging her teenage daughter all night. You can keep her company for one more scone.
- When, not even a full minute after revealing his terminal diagnosis to Hazel, Gus asks her to make out. I see what game you’re playing here, friend.
- When he tyrannizes the mother of Isaac’s ex-girlfriend, throwing eggs at a car she clearly bought, and sneers, “If I were you, I’d go back inside. Ask your daughter if she likes sex trips to Amsterdam. My treat.â€
- When he orders Hazel to meet him in five minutes and then commands her to read his eulogy in front of him. Good thing she brought it, bro!
- When he cries through his nose. A noble attempt at wringing tears from us, my friend, but you are in a movie with experienced ugly-criers Shailene Woodley and Laura Dern. You’d best bring your A-game next time.
