The Highs and Lows of the 2014 Emmys

Another Emmys has come and gone. Seth Meyers’s first time as host moved along at an efficient clip, but the only real standout bit came not from Meyers, but from Billy Eichner. The big musical number? Again, not Meyers — that one went to Weird Al Yankovic. And the biggest laugh of the night was the soap-opera kiss between Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bryan Cranston. If he hosts again, here’s hoping Meyers adds in a little something special for himself. But there was more to the show than the host, of course. Here were the other highs and lows of the ceremony.

Low: So much goddamn diet talk on the red carpet. Most of the blame goes to E!, but also to society. What if next time, no one was asked about her diet? Her post-pregnancy weight loss? How skinny she is? Her body? Jeez Louise. Ask women about acting. That’s why they’re there!

High: “Best onscreen orgasm in a Civil War reenactment.�

Low: Jimmy Kimmel riffing. It was funny, sure, but that’s more of a host job — and he had his chance. It just seemed like whipping up a little something at someone else’s dinner party.

High: Weird Al’s theme songs. The sound design was a little wonky — Weird Al didn’t quite sound big enough — but the jokes about quivering lips on Scandal were more than worth it.

High: Emmy edition of Billy on the Street. Especially when Billy accosted a woman and said, “You’re a lesbian, do you watch Orange Is the New Black?� “I do, but I’m not a lesbian,� the woman cheerfully replied. Everyone gets a dollar.

Low: Modern Family. No. Come on.

High: Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Bryan Cranston kissing. They planted the seed a few segments earlier, with JLD “forgetting� Cranston was on Seinfeld. Good thing she won — the payoff came with a major smooch.

Low: So many industry jokes. None of the rest of us care about your agents.

High: Woody Harrelson’s McConaughey impression. The rest of their bit sort of dragged, but it’s fun to see two stars ragging on each other. (Extra high for Harrelson acknowledging True Detective’s recent plagiarism scuttlebutt.)

Low: Gwen Stefani not knowing how to pronounce “The Colbert Report.� Lemons into lemonade style, though, Colbert whispering his speech to Jimmy Fallon was terrific.

Low: Sofia Vergara spinning on a pedestal. Come to Hollywood, where you, too, can be objectified, no matter how many Emmys your show is nominated for — you’re just here to be a body. Ugh, this shit has got to stop.

High: I mean, low, certainly, but Billy Crystal’s speech about Robin Williams was personal, moving, and elegantly crafted. “Robin Williams. What a concept.� Oof.

High: A final hurrah for Breaking Bad. Best drama, lead actor, supporting actor, supporting actress, and writing — not too shabby.

High: Sarah Silverman. Particularly on the red carpet, but her “molecules hurtling through space� speech was solid, too.

Low: Orange Is the New Black went home empty-handed. That cannot possibly be right. (Uzo Aduba won a guest-actress award at the Creative Arts Emmys, though.)

Low: Those weird chimes that played during people’s walk-to-the-stage music. Those chimes were hideous, like a ring tone gone evil. My ears will never be free of the ghost of those chimes.