All the Times House of Cards Characters Should Have Boned This Season
House of Cards asks its viewers a number of questions: What is the nature of power? What are the weaknesses of democracy? Is leadership inherently corrupt? Big questions, each of them. But the most persistent, important question the show asks, particularly in season three, is, “So … are these people going to bone?†Over and over again, characters exchange sexually charged glances, or inch closer to one another, or engage in other forms of intimacy, and we, the viewers, are left to wonder: Are these people ever going to kiss or what? Here, then, are 43 times this season when one could reasonably have asked such a question. (For these purposes, assume everyone’s sexuality is a fluid construct.)
Oh, sure, Gavin and Doug "hate" each other.
Just imagine if one of them darted forward for a quick, tension-defusing peck on the lips.
For the love of God, just kiss.
You're already on a couch. Who knows how things will progress?
"I remember last season. Do you remember last season?" —Meechum
They have a real C.J./Danny thing going. Kind of.
I see that sideways glance!
They have a vibe.
As do they.
"So, are you familiar with the phrase, 'I serve at the pleasure of the president'?"
High Fidelity didn't invent this idea out of nowhere. People get it on at funerals.
Whatever you do, don't even think about untying this frilly bow.
Cashew approves.
YOU TWO.
They bone later, but this scene made it clear something was on the horizon.
If everyone could just relax his posture, this could double as an engagement photo.
Sure, that's just a normal "let's do official business" kind of glance.
Here, under this wonky painting of a bowl of soup, let us make sad, grumpy love.
She pees in front of him. Hooking up would be less intimate, honestly.
Oh, hello.
My, what a big on-a-plane desk you have.
No one does picnic things with people they're not going to have sex with, I don't care how Christian you're pretending to be.
Serodiscordant couples have sex, too. ("Serodiscordant." Oh, Gavin, you monster.)
This is basically all the meal scenes from Beauty and the Beast, except they're both Beast.
Just sitting here on the couch, completely innocently, without either of us taking swings at that lust piñata over our heads.
Not all monks are celibate.
"Now that we've exchanged sadness folders, perhaps a kiss would perk us both up."
Again, lust piñata just out of frame.
They already both like Frank. Give in to the transitive property of getting it on.
"Well, we're finally alone again." "Yep!"
Okay, this is the one slide where the characters actually do bone.
Seth and Remy, sittin' in a tree. M-A-N-I-P-U-L-A-T-I-N-G.
Or Seth and Remy could just close the loop on this ...
Didn't we almost have it all?
![[Slowly removes hoop earrings.]](https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/ede/21e/308ae7559be74af71989b660920e12db73-chapter-36-1.2x.rdeep-vertical.w300.jpg)
![[Slowly removes hoop earrings.]](https://pyxis.nymag.com/v1/imgs/ede/21e/308ae7559be74af71989b660920e12db73-chapter-36-1.2x.rhorizontal.w807.jpg)
[Slowly removes hoop earrings.]
"Remember before, when I said I remembered last season? I still remember." —Meechum
No one ever considers military garb erotic at all. Nope, not at all.
OH MY GOD, JUST KISS.
Let's talk about love.
Don't act like you wouldn't, Seth. You're a busy guy who has needs.
There really is only one way to settle a rivalry, and it is through literary-tinged, muscular intercourse. On your marks, get set, go.
There's a Sliding Doors world where these two are in catalogues together. They really look like a matching set.
It seemed for a moment that this was going to turn into a sex scene. There's a fine line between breaking up and making up, alas.