We spend a lot of time discussing the sexy young leads of Riverdale, what with their predilection for poorly timed showers and dressing inappropriately for the weather, but we sometimes forget that the adults on this show are also very attractive. (Everyone is, really; this is a CW show.) This week’s Riverdale episode, however, does a whole dad showcase, devoting a third of its run time to a plot where Betty and Veronica spy on Sheriff Keller … only to discover that he has a lot of muscles. (Oh, and he’s not the Black Hood, but is having an affair with Mayor McCoy.)
Riverdale has gotten itself into a real Dream Daddies situation with regard to all these well-seasoned hunks, so below, we present a brief guide to the show’s dad offerings. But first! A moment of appreciation for Sheriff Keller, who gets to go full beefcake this week.
Okay, on to the dads.
Buff Dad: Sheriff Keller (Martin Cummins)
Children: Kevin Keller.
Likes: Working out, Mayor Sierra McCoy, being mostly okay with his son’s sexuality while still being a little weird about it.
Dislikes: Crime, murder, the Black Hood, shirts.
Dadliest fashion statement: He’s a hat guy.
Is he the Black Hood? It would be unlike Riverdale to spend an episode debunking a suspect and then later reveal that he is the murderer in question, but then again, maybe!
Would you? Duh.
Suspicious Dad: Hal Cooper (Lochlyn Munro)
Children: Betty Cooper, Polly Cooper, the yet-to-be-seen Chic Cooper.
Likes: Keeping his family history from his daughter, dating Meghan Markle in that Hallmark movie that one time.
Dislikes: Expressing his emotions, the Blossom family.
Dadliest fashion statement: Collared shirt and sweater pairings.
Is he the Black Hood? Probably. Hal’s been in the background this season, which means he’s a worthy suspect. He seems to have a general aversion to sin, which motivates the Black Hood. Plus, he’s got green eyes, which means that he’s suspect No. 1.
Would you? Duh.
Criminal Dad: F.P. Jones (Skeet Ulrich)
Children: Jughead Jones, Jellybean Jones.
Likes: Leather.
Dislikes: Hygiene, the law.
Dadliest fashion statement: That salt-and-pepper beard.
Is he the Black Hood? It would be very difficult for F.P. to wander around town committing murder while in prison, so we’re going to say no. But could he be caught up in a larger, more sinister scheme that’s motivating the Black Hood? Absolutely.
Would you? Duh.
9021-Dad: Fred Andrews (Luke Perry)
Children: Archie Andrews.
Likes: Offering fatherly advice, flirting with Hermione Lodge.
Dislikes: Being shot.
Dadliest fashion statement: This wool jacket.
Is he the Black Hood? The guy shot him, so we’re going to say no.
Would you? Duh.
Business Dad: Hiram Lodge (Mark Consuelos)
Children: Veronica Lodge.
Likes: Authority, money, the occasional use of Spanish, overly elaborate schemes, Veronica.
Dislikes: Disobedience, the St. Clair family, Veronica.
Dadliest fashion statement: Expensive watches.
Is he the Black Hood? Hiram’s certainly up to no good, but his schemes are more about acquiring land for development projects and less about straight up murdering people. Also, unless he has some great color-changing contacts, he’s no green-eyed monster.
Would you? Duh.
Dead Dad: Clifford Blossom (Barclay Hope)
Children: Cheryl Blossom, the late Jason Blossom.
Likes: Running a maple syrup business that is a front for a heroin-smuggling operation.
Dislikes: His son, who he murdered.
Dadliest fashion statement: Pairing a turtleneck with a cap.
Is he the Black Hood? No, Clifford Blossom is dead.
Would you? No, he’s dead!
Jazz Dad: Myles McCoy (Reese Alexander)
Children: Josie McCoy.
Likes: Jazz.
Dislikes: Pop music and his daughter’s music, which he compares unfavorably to jazz.
Dadliest fashion statement: This muted ensemble.
Is he the Black Hood? It’s doubtful, though we might be in for some dangerous levels of rage when Myles discovers that his wife is cheating on him with Sheriff Keller.
Would you? Duh.
Not-a-Dad Dad: Pop Tate (Alvin Sanders)
Children: The delicious shakes available at Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe.
Likes: Running a local business that secretly doubles as a site for illicit Jingle Jangle deals (don’t tell Pop), going to church, Chuck Clayton.
Dislikes: When the Black Hood shoots his customers.
Dadliest fashion statement: His bow tie collection.
Is he the Black Hood? Pop just seems like a very sweet guy, but perhaps he has gotten fed up with all these meddling teens?
Would you? Duh.