A season of Vanderpump Rules, an ad for a herpes medication that doesn’t list any of the side effects, is sort of like rolling on molly. At first it starts off all bright, wonderful, and electric as you’re reeling in the euphoria of first exposure. Then, after awhile, you are just exhausted by the blur of events, the repetition of sensations, and the monotony of overstimulation. At that point, you just want it to be over so that you can lie in your bed for two days ordering Seamless and recalibrating your brain chemistry.
I am totally at that point of this season, just wanting it to end. The only real things we have to discuss are a continuation of DJ James Kennedy and Kristen’s fight from last season and Jax having one more drunken freak-out where he ends up walking into the night angry and alone. Surprisingly, this time, he actually has his shirt on.
Kristen is mad that James told the guys, either jokingly or because he misunderstood the question, that he “kind of†hooked up with her. (I still don’t think that’s what he meant and Jax and Sandoval misinterpreted him, but whatever.) James is mad that he’s getting blamed by her for something he didn’t do. She responds by throwing a drink on him and Lala, who get up and charge out of dinner on the group’s last night of their Mexican vacation.
Lala immediately comes to her friend James’s defense. “There is a way to have a civilized conversation and this dumb bitch stands up and throws a drink?†she asks incredulously. She is absolutely right. You know that the rest of these soul-sucking night wraiths are in trouble when the voice of reason is a grown woman who sucks on some weird bottle cap contraption so hard that it makes her lips look like two pink bananas that are trying to pop themselves off of a tree.
The other voice of reason, shockingly, is Katie, a woman who once stormed out of a parking lot after screaming that her husband’s dick doesn’t work properly. “Do you want me to lie to you and tell you you’re totally right?†Katie asks Kristen. “Because you’re not. What you’re doing is making it worse.†Is this what maturity looks like? If so, how has it finally fallen on the soft crowns of our little SUR babies? And when did Katie get so wise? This is a woman who runs a website called Pout and Pucker which is either about lips or buttholes or possibly both question mark.
When James leaves the table, he tearfully calls his girlfriend Raquel, a slightly melted Melania Trump wax figure, and tells her that nothing happened. He repeats the same thing to Sandoval, telling him that they were actually with Schwartz most of the time (but he was blacked out) and that nothing happened. Sandoval asks him if there was maybe something he didn’t remember. Um, that’s impossible. This whole fight is predicated on the fact that James “confessed†to hooking up with Kristen and Jax saw some pillows by the hot tub. James easily explains away the pillows and says he knows nothing happened. That should be the end of it, but everyone still makes it into this big thing.
The problem for Kristen, however, is that she “has no credibility,†as she says. Like Katie points out, she has a track record for doing this messed-up shit, so when it happens again, everyone knows to expect it from her. When she tells her boyfriend Carter about the incident back in L.A., he’s alarmed because Kristen and James did hook up shortly after they started dating. Kristen has such a history of bad behavior that everyone immediately assumes the worst about her and, honestly, they’re usually right. I don’t know what Kristen can even do about this other than reevaluating all of her choices, chopping off all of her hair, and starting life over as someone named Kelly who runs a homeless shelter, or seeking out some sort of magic spell that will make everyone forget she ever lived. Those are really her only options.
Jax should really considering finding a witch to cast a similar spell for him, but instead he has that reiki master Kelsey who calls him Jason and actually dispenses useful life advice so I shouldn’t make so much fun of her. His meltdown stems from Scheana trying to set Brittany up with Adam, the hunky new bartender at SUR. She tells Lisa all about her plan and how sly it is, which seemed kind of silly to me because if I were Lisa, I would have been like, “Why are you messing with my employees and ruining my business? Keep your drama to yourself.â€
Later, when Jax confronts Scheana about setting up Brittany and Adam, she says it wasn’t a set up. Um, that’s not what she’s been saying for the past five episodes and not what she just told Lisa earlier in the evening. God, Scheana is such a nasty little sea cucumber.
There is one thing I will agree with Jax about, though. He asks Brittany why she isn’t more upset at Scheana for trying to set her up with a dude when she already has a boyfriend. That makes sense, but Brittany, forever the Pollyanna, says she thought that Scheana was only trying to make sure that she had fun and felt good. Yeah, Scheana No Tea No Shay has never had an altruistic moment in her entire life.
Jax confronts Adam about the whole thing and, well, Adam doesn’t really get to do anything but sit there and glower like he’s in an ad for Calvin Klein’s new fragrance Confusion while Jax blabbers on and on. Jax does learn something about Scheana texting Adam while she was in his house or something? I don’t know. It all gets stupid and confusing and next thing we know, Jax is fighting at the DJ booth and Ken and Lisa show up at the restaurant and it all goes south very quickly. Jax starts making a drunken scene and it gets so bad that Lisa takes him outside and tells him that it’s best to leave. He starts fighting with her about it, but as Brittany, always the saint, says, “You can’t scream at your job.â€
Yes, if there is one thing in life that is true, it is that you can’t scream at your job unless your job is as a drill sergeant or maybe a vibrator tester. I don’t know. What I’m saying is that Jax should not be screaming at his job. That is something that I know is true.
If there is one other thing I know to be true, it is that balsamic vinegar does not belong on pizza. Neither does Sriracha, ranch dressing, or a combination of Sriracha and ranch dressing. I don’t know what kind of bullshit Papa John’s has perpetrated on America with its garlic crust dipping sauce, but there is no condiment necessary for pizza. You already have carbs, (sugary) sauce, and cheese. That doesn’t need to be made better with a lot of unnecessary shit on it like Stassi does.
I can’t imagine a scenario where ranch dressing on pizza would be acceptable. Even if Tom Schwartz were lying naked in bed and covered in his own fluids, while Tom Sandoval fed him a slice of pizza, lowering it down into his open, awaiting mouth with delicacy and spilling a few drops of white creams just north of his lips. Sandoval licked his thump and then smeared it across the stray liquid as Schwartz smiled. Then he licked the dribble off of his thumb before putting it back into Schwartz’s mouth, as he sucked on Sandoval’s thumb like it was a baby’s bottle containing not only the milk of his succor, but the knowledge of his enlightenment.