She. Has. Arrived. In all her glory and with all her mess and all her weird problematic speeches about why she loves gay people, NeNe has arrived. NeNe has also decided that her strategy for this season is to remain completely above it all and spout faux-spiritual nonsense. There seems to be a lot of wiggle room when it comes to those spiritual beliefs. She is walking in the hands of the Lord and at the same time calling Cynthia “desperate.†Listen, I’m not saying that NeNe did a lot in this episode or even that she’s achieved moral enlightenment. The main tension for NeNe is if she’s going to say “hello†to Cynthia. That’s her moral quandary this episode, and we don’t even get to see if she says hello to Cynthia. NeNe’s spiritual advisor clearly works hard, but the Real Housewives editors work much harder. Let’s get to it.
First up, we get to hear Cynthia’s side of the story. She’s out shopping for houses with Eva because Eva needs to move houses again. Her “sperm donor†ex seems to have figured out where she lives and her husband is a lawyer. Should she be on a reality show if there are this many security concerns? Let’s show her house hunt on TV just in case.
We need to talk about this positively bizarre Atlanta house. It’s a five bedroom house and every bedroom has an en suite bathroom. Wait … what … hold on … Is that really necessary? You can walk through every single bedroom and find a full bath. Who is this for? Eva, maybe. Also, it’s $775,000 and to my Chicago real-estate mind, that’s a goddamned steal for a completely incomprehensible amount of bathrooms.
After looking at the house, Eva and Cynthia sit down to talk about what is happening with NeNe and everyone else. Cynthia says that there’s just no universe where NeNe is willing to be accountable or apologize. Eva also says that she’s regretted not bonding with Cynthia sooner and we get a montage of all the moments where Eva shaded Cynthia. NeNe and Cynthia will both be on Bravo’s NYC Pride Float and it will be so awkward because that moment will be all about them. Cynthia is confident she can peacefully coexist with NeNe and there is no evidence on Earth that’s possible.
Porsha heads over to Tanya’s house for lunch. Porsha points out that Tanya has been half of the group’s best friend and Tanya and her husband were Porsha and Dennis’s couple friends. When the conversation turns to Porsha and Dennis’s troubles, Tanya asks Porsha if this whole thing can be fixed. Porsha presents exhibit A: Dennis claims that Porsha wasn’t emotionally available to him during her pregnancy with his child so Porsha shows Tanya a bunch of photos of them at their happiest. Christmastime with Dennis. Concerts with Dennis. Smiling and giggling with Dennis’s cheatin’ ass. Unavailable, where? Porsha wants to work on healing but she doesn’t know if when she heals, she’ll be healing with Dennis.
Up next, Kenya is hanging out at home with baby Brooklyn. Can a baby have a chocolate-chip cookie? Her cousin Che, who is a Kenya clone, stops by for a little baby time. Kenya starts freaking out any time Che wants to touch Brooklyn and the freaking out doesn’t stop once the conversation turns to her husband, Marc Daly. According to Kenya, Marc is only in Atlanta every seven to ten days and they haven’t had any alone time or alone time since the baby has been born. Marc insists on the baby sleeping in the bed with them and that’s certainly getting in the way of any intimacy. Kenya says that she’s starting to get jealous of how much attention Brooklyn gets from her father.
This. Is. A. Lot. When it comes to Kenya, it’s always a lot but things are starting to get psychosexual. So many of these women will go all in on a shaky relationship in order to have a baby. Kenya Moore should be pioneering genetic technologies to enable her to use the DNA from a hair from Beyoncé’s head to create her own egg-fusion baby. But because Kenya has bought into the myth that a “man†will “improve your life,†she’s stuck with a husband who doesn’t seem to think he should spend time with his wife. This also leads to Kenya asking her husband to rank how much he loves her and their daughter. Oh. Oh Kenya, no.
Meanwhile, NeNe and Gregg are getting ready for a video shoot with the American Cancer Society about their experience of NeNe being Gregg’s caregiver. Gregg tries to give NeNe a pep talk by telling her she did a “champion’s job,†which is what your dad tells you after the science fair. NeNe won’t let herself cry because then she’d be making it about her so instead she says she’s ready to move forward with her life. Yes, she sent Cynthia a horrible text message, but she’s in a different headspace now.
Well, in other news: Todd took his daughter to a strip club and that’s somehow appropriate in his mind??!?! In addition, he repeats, “If she’s going to go, I’d rather her go with me,†which is not something people say about strip clubs. That’s what you say about drinking at home if you’re a white parent from the suburbs. No one has ever said that about strip clubs. There’s no “moderate strip-club use†that Todd is trying to ensure. And if there’s anyone on this show I would trust to help someone budget their time and money at a strip club, it would not be Todd. At the same time, Todd keeps lecturing Kandi about what she should do with the surrogate despite the fact that he took his daughter to a strip club. He is not allowed to give anyone advice about anything.
It’s time for Marc Daly to stop by his wife’s home for breakfast. Kenya is trying to swan around the kitchen, pretending to be a dutiful wife, but she didn’t buy anything to cook for breakfast. Every time Kenya does or says anything that Marc doesn’t like, he makes a face or complains to the baby that “Mommy is so silly!†I don’t like any of that. I’m not a fan of this man. Marc spends more time making direct eye contact with a 7-month-old baby than having a meaningful conversation with his wife. Kenya offers that a friend or her cousin can take care of the baby while they go on his birthday trip and he says that won’t be necessary. A baby can come on their romantic getaway.
Kenya doesn’t really phrase it elegantly but she says that she doesn’t feel like a girlfriend anymore. She’s spending time as a mother (taking care of Brooklyn) and being a wife (putting up with Marc’s bullshit), but she doesn’t get any attention or care from him. She doesn’t have any moments where she’s Marc’s girlfriend. So, how does Kenya deal with this tension? She asks him if she’s his No. 1 or his child is. Oh. My. God. Kenya. Marc just pretends that Brooklyn can talk. This is … not great.
The girls have made it to New York and Marlo stops by to remind NeNe to forgive and forget. Marlo is just trying to impress upon her that she should be polite, say hello, and keep it cute. NeNe says she plans on doing just that, but we all know … she’s not going to do just that. Cynthia forwards an interview where NeNe calls her “desperate†and “weak†to Eva.
So the time for the float has come. In the hot summer sun, a veritable gaggle of Bravolebrities swarm around and Andy Cohen stands watch. He’s never been more fucking ready. He’s even put “Tardy for the Party†on the float playlist. NeNe climbs on the float …
To be continued …