Evil, Michelle and Robert King’s exploration of the dark corners of humanity and also demon shit, has only just concluded its first season, and yet there are already telltale signifiers of a person who has watched this show. A person who has watched Evil: Definitely wears a turtleneck, can be found slugging back canned margaritas, involuntarily twitches at the sound of the name “George,†and has a permanent haunted look in their eyes because THEY HAVE SEEN SOME THINGS.
Evil, which follows priest-in-training David (Mike Colter), forensic psychologist Kristen (Katja Herbers), and “contractorâ€-slash-tech guy Ben (Aasif Mandvi) as they investigate demonic possessions and miracles for the Catholic Church, is smart and quirky and offers up some biting commentary about the world today, but it is also scary as hell. Sometimes literally.
Since sometimes the only way to process such horrors is to talk about them, we’ve broken down the scariest, freakiest, creepiest things that have happened on season one of Evil, ranked by how many cans of margarita (it’s how our hero Kristen washes away her hellish days) it will take you to forget you’ve ever seen what you just saw. Because sometimes if talking doesn’t help you get through it, drinking will.
Well, Kristen’s mom is possessed
Episode 10, “7 Swans a Singin’â€
What happened here? We should’ve known from all the red Sheryl (Christine Lahti) starts wearing after meeting demon/psychopath Leland (Michael Emerson), but the first hint that something is really wrong here is her grandmotherly advice to little Lexis (Maddy Crocco). Evil plays up the moment with some After-School Special music in the background just as Sheryl tells her granddaughter how to deal with bullies: “You either make them your bitch, or they make you theirs,†she says as she shows Lexis how to properly hit a bully in the face with a rock. When I was sad, my grandmom just gave me Werther’s Originals and put on an episode of JAG, but sure.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? One can out of five, but split with your very nice grandma who I hope is not possessed by a fire sex demon.
That time a teenager woke up during an autopsy
Episode 2, “177 Minutesâ€
What happened here? Young Naomi is dead for 177 minutes before a guy starts cutting into her for her autopsy and she wakes up screaming on the table. It ended up being a whole thing with her having undiagnosed COPD, hyper-inflation, and the hospital’s own implicit racism when it came to performing CPR on people of color. So that was a cool and fun time for us.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? One out of five, especially if you’re headed to a hospital soon.
Ben’s unplanned threesome
Episode 8, “2 Fathersâ€
What happened here? Ben the Magnificent finally meets a nice girl in paranormal TV show personality Vanessa, but during their first make-out session she tells him that her dead sister is grafted to her right arm and is very overprotective. Ben almost gets over it because the world is weird and the man has needs, but in the end, sister ghosts are a big mood killer.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Just one to sip while you contemplate whether you’d date someone with a dead family member grafted to a body part. Dating is hard, so I get it.
All the Rose390 stuff
Episode 4, “Rose390â€; Episode 8, “2 Fathersâ€; Episode 11, “Room 320â€
What happened here? Sure, Rose390 is just an avatar in the Augmented Reality game that the Bourchard girls get into, The Haunted Girl, but she’s also basically the girl from The Ring with a better vocabulary and several sets of teeth. Does it make her scarier knowing she’s actually a grown-ass man hopped up on Flakka? That’s not rhetorical, the answer is yes.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? One can, plus a round of Bunny Hopp.
This bed is on fire, literally
Episode 6, “Let x = 9â€
What happened here? Leland seduces Kristen’s mom Sheryl and as they’re having sex, the bed goes up in flames. Is he just that good in bed? Is he a literal demon? Is it both things?
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? This is more “WTF?†than “Someone hold me,†but anyone who’s dated someone they suspected of being a demon will need two cans.
Leland’s Therapist
Episode 12, “Justice x 2â€
What happened here? Well kids, Leland’s therapist is a giant, hairy, horned beast who is deep into the Socratic Method, dream analysis, and eating Kristin Bouchard’s heart with his patient.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? By your second can, you’ll just be laughing because, I mean, a satanic beast as your therapist? Classic.
Kristen’s dreams-within-dreams experience
Episode 13, “Book 27â€
What happened here? The good news is that by the end of the season, Kristen seems to have a handle on knowing when she’s dreaming or not. The bad news is that we still have to watch her fight Orson, murder George with scissors, deal with that hairy beast demon-in-charge, and then watch blood come spilling out of her daughter Lexis’s mouth. It might all be a dream, but it is still scary as, well, hell.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Two out of five, drunk while wondering how Kristen Bouchard ever sleeps.
David witnesses an act of revenge and/or justice
Episode 12, “Justice x 2â€
What happened here? It’s not every day you get tossed into a woman’s basement and witness her enact what she believes to be justice for the Rwandan genocide, but that’s David Acosta’s life. Sonia eventually kills the Rwandan comedian she’s holding accountable for encouraging the massacre of the Tutsis, but that part where he says he still hears the children’s screams and she promptly cuts off his ear is what might stay with you the longest.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? David will need much more than margs, but you will need about two and a half.
Alexa, how do I know if you’re possessed?
Episode 3, “3 Starsâ€
What happened here? Watching high-strung Broadway producer Byron Duke be tormented by his virtual assistant is certainly disconcerting, but we learn he’s merely been hacked by a disgruntled IT guy. The really scary part comes post-hacker, when Byron gets a Gchat encouraging him to jump off the side of his office building, and a completely different virtual assistant starts haunting Ben’s sister. WHO WAS TALKING TO HER, GUYS?
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Two and a half, right after you remove all technology from your home.
Ghost Party!
Episode 8, “2 Fathersâ€
What happened here? It’s just this very cool, not creepy thing in which a group of people at David’s father’s commune drink spiked sangria, call upon their ancestors, and then dance with the ghosts that show up. I mean, the ghost ancestor that David dances with seems very nice, but that does not make up for the fact that she has been dead for 160 years.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Dancing with a ghost is fun, but will make you rethink the rules of the universe, so three out of five.
Demon-in-residence George
Episode 1, “Genesis 1â€; Episode 2, “177 Minutesâ€; Episode 6, “Let x = 9â€; Episode 13, “Book 27â€
What happened here? George is a leathery demon with red eyes who likes to show up in Kristen’s dreams and do things like cut off her finger when she won’t admit to having feelings for David. All of his appearances are made creepier by the fact that Kristen can’t always tell when she’s dreaming and is sometimes afflicted with sleep paralysis. So, nothing is fine and everything is terrible.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Three, just not before bedtime. Things are already weird there.
The First Exorcism
Episode 5, “October 31â€
What happened here? This is Evil going full Exorcist on us, so there’s speaking in tongues, foaming at the mouth, restraints, hissing, predictions of death and tragedy and Kristen’s four daughters being killed, you get the gist.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Slip on a pair of sunglasses so the possessed can’t look you in the eye and drink three cans of margarita, you heathen.
NOT BRENDA
Episode 5, “October 31â€
What happened here? Listen, that little girl who shows up to hang out with the Bouchard kids on Halloween claiming to be new girl “Brenda†is the stuff of my nightmares: She’s A CHILD, she refuses to take off her creepy doll mask, and she asks the girls weird stuff like how they would kill their mom before taking them all on a field trip to an open grave in a cemetery.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Three, chugged consecutively.
Orson LeRoux, enough said
Episode 1, “Genesis 1â€; Episode 12, “Justice x 2â€; Episode 13, “Book 27â€
What happened here? Seriously, fuck this guy. He’s a psycho serial killer who pretends to be possessed to try and get out of prison, he toys with Kristen during interrogations and violently attacks her, works with Leland to get his conviction overturned, and proceeds to threaten Kristen and her family. I mean, by the end of the season it seems like Kristen may have taken care of the Orson problem via an ice axe to the head, but still, Orson creeps me out.
A near-deadly earworm
Episode 10, “7 Swans a Singin’â€
What happened here? You know, just that thing when a bunch of high-school girls watch an influencer video that is secretly telling them to kill themselves or join the devil’s army and the song playing in the background of the video gets so stuck in their heads that all they can do is sing it and then you go to lunch and girls start screaming and shoving sharp objects in their ears to get the song to stop. Just that thing.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Four, in silence.
The Second Exorcism
Episode 7, “Vatican IIIâ€
What happened here? Maybe it’s the lack of sunnies to diffuse the tension, but Bridget’s possession will haunt me much longer than Caroline’s. Or maybe it’s that she talks about slaughtering three young boys like pigs, she’s covered in vomit, she runs through multiple personalities, and that whole thing where she lunges at Kristen like a feral cat. It’s one or the other.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Slug back four cans and then remember that it was actually Bridget’s husband who murdered those kids and tried to frame his wife because dang, marriage is hard.
Sebastian
Episode 9, “Exorcism Part 2â€
What happened here? An example of Evil not always needing demons and hellfire to scare the shit out of us — no, sometimes good ol’ fashioned human beings being terrible does the trick.To watch Sebastian, a man rejected by his barista, be so easily swayed by Leland to lean into his women-hating feelings and plan to take his anger and hatred out on innocent people before accidentally shooting himself in the head is disturbing, to say the extreme very least.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Four, as long as you don’t read the news ever again.
The World’s Worst Pregnancy
Episode 13, “Book 27â€
What happened here? Poor Eleanor, eight months pregnant with twins, realizes that the boy fetus is possessed. We know this for sure not just because the fetus goes crazy when David prays around it, but also that one time when she receives Communion during mass and then immediately starts screaming and blood just comes pouring out of her vagina. Oh, and then the boy fetus eats the girl fetus.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Pop a birth control pill with the five cans of margarita you’ll need for this one.
Goblin Birth
Episode 8, “2 Fathersâ€
What happened here? Wow wow wow, pregnant people should just not watch Evil, like, at all. While on a hallucinogenic sangria trip, Kristen comes across David’s father’s wife Esther giving birth in a cornfield to something that is definitely not a baby: it’s a goblin creature. Esther promptly bites into the sac it’s stuck in to release it and welcome her goblin baby to the world. Real or a hallucination, who even cares, because I am fundamentally changed as a woman after seeing that.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? Five out five cans, man. Did you read the part about her biting the goblin baby sac open?! With her teeth?????
The hospital from hell — no, really
Episode 11, “Room 320â€
What happened here? What didn’t happen here? After being stabbed, David is sent to Harbor Hospital where squeaky-shoed Nurse Plague drugs him up so much he can’t tell what’s real and what’s a dream, including that time a bunch of rotten skin sack monsters come to collect his roommate Harlan to be a sacrifice in a “black mass.†Perhaps the scariest thing of all is that in the end, we learn Harlan was right and Nurse Plague was killing black patients and collecting their hospital bracelets as trophies. There’s no confusing that moment for a dream.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? This is Evil at its most horror movie, so an IV of margaritas, please.
A boy and his parents
Episode 4, “Rose390â€
What happened here? Just when you think there is not a more haunting image your eyes could ever peep than David finding 9-year-old psychopath Eric sitting by the pool watching his baby sister drown because he wants to get rid of her, we get the kicker: The team arrives at Eric’s house to discover that, exhausted and hopeless, Eric’s parents have killed their son in order to protect their other children. The moment when the team realizes what’s happened is chilling. Go figure that the scariest thing to happen on Evil has nothing to do with the supernatural.
And how many cans of margaritas will it take to forget? ALL OF THEM.