Stephen Colbert Explains Why ‘It’s Actually a Good Thing’ We Don’t Have Election Results Yet

With his CBS home infested by serious news anchors, Stephen Colbert sought refuge over at Showtime to continue his presidential election tradition of being allowed to curse on cable and provide commentary to quell viewers’ boozy political anxieties. And at the end of Stephen Colbert’s Election Night 2020: Democracy’s Last Stand: Building Back America Great Again Better 2020, Colbert did just that. Speaking directly to the nation as the results of Donald Trump vs. Joe Biden continue to hang in a precarious vote balance in several states, Colbert, in his calming dad voice, assured us that being forced to wait until Wednesday, or even Thursday, for a winner to be declared is a good thing.

“We still don’t know who’s won. We’ve been waiting for this for so long,” Colbert explained, just around Ohio being called for Trump. “It’s like Christmas Eve, and not just because of the judgmental fat guy in the red hat, but because we’re all up late wondering if tomorrow morning we’re gonna get the present we’ve been begging for: a boring president. Like you, I’m exhausted. Not just from tonight, although, yeah. But from the past four years. I’ve been on high alert since early in the morning on November 9, 2016. Now, my blood pressure is within normal range. For a truck tire. You could roll my aorta over a gravel road and I wouldn’t feel a bump. For four years Trump has kept our nation’s emotional meter hovering over in the red zone. And every time you think you can take your foot off the gas, a caravan of Trump trucks tries to run you off the road. So I understand that you’re stressed, I do. But now I’m going to say something a little controversial, so don’t get mad at me. It’s actually a good thing we don’t know who won yet.”

Colbert noted that the reason it’s taking so long to declare a winner is because of the country’s massive voter turnout, which is being predicted as the highest rate since 1908. And, you know, mail. “The point is, this year, millions of you braved the pandemic and the army of poll watchers, even the post office, just to make sure you got to vote,” Colbert said. “Each and every one of those ballots deserved to be counted, whether they are votes for President Trump, Joe Biden, or write-in votes for Boobs Boobs Boobs Post Malone Rulez. But we’ve been able to wait for this moment for November 2016 and many of you waited in line for hours to make your voices heard. So, I know we all got what it takes just to wait a little bit longer.” In the meantime, try not to get sucked into Steve Kornacki’s big board.