If your main problem with shitty NFT clip art is that it’s too many monkey heads and not enough human torsos, boy does Amazon have the jpegs for you, you weirdo. As part of Amazon Prime Video’s ever-so-meticulous press rollout for its upcoming series The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, the streamer released 20 new posters today on Twitter and Instagram. If you saw them and thought to yourself, Oh, cool, a first look at this highly anticipated series, then you are an idiot, because in PR terms these are not in fact a first look but rather what’s referred to as “character posters.â€
Is this persnicketiness some sort of meta take on LOTR fan pedantry? Is it a riff on the use of imagined languages and taxonomies in J.R.R. Tolkien’s work? We have to take a look at the character posters for clues. Amazon says, “To fuel fan speculation and discussion, faces are not shown, and neither character names nor corresponding actors will be revealed.†So we’re going off hands and torsos here. Let’s decode.
This one’s got multiple rings, but whether or not they’re rings of power is undetermined. He has a red braided beard like Gimli, gold-leaf on his hands, and some kind of blacksmith hammer thing.
Wait — do they all have gold leaf on their hands? Did the whole cast go out for some 24-karat chicken wings with Jonathan Cheban and not wash their hands before the photo shoot? Anyway, this one’s all decked out in gold and holding some sort of beaded necklace.
Still going with the gold motif, but no gold on the hands. Lots of rings, lots of detail on the fabric, probably a Lannister. What show is this? What year is this?
This dude’s got a scroll or a hilt with a tower-slash-city detail at the top. He’s in an action pose. Our first one-hander.
Wait, no, this dude’s got a scroll. Also wizard sleeves.
The one-handed poses are the best ones because they really mean business. They don’t have time to stop at the Sears photo studio; they’re on a mission. He’s got carved wood armor and an arrow. He’s coming for Hawkeye’s lunch.
Communism.
Shearling collar, rustic weapon hilt with a shoddy rune: Must be a Weasley.
Scaly armor guy has the prettiest hilt yet. It looks like a chess knight or Pegasus from Disney’s Hercules. And freckles! Is that a clue?
Can I offer you an acorn in this trying time?
A classic knight. Chainmail and silver. What you think of when you hear “knight,†I bet.
This guy muddles potions and spells. That there’s a muddlin’ rod. Cute moon charm too.
Her hair is her purse strap and she’s holding the biggest berries you’ve ever seen. I want to know everything about her.
Everyone knows a crunchy mom who owns this blanket and these beads.
Close-up of Dakota Johnson before she tied those people into a Blue Bottle.
Remember the chastity speech Abuela gave on Jane the Virgin?
Cute clutch, girlie! Is that Coach?
That school history project you did where you burned the edges of the paper to make it look old-timey called — it wants its extra credit back.
Remember the woman at the top who had a gold dress and sun insignias? This is going to be her boyfriend or her brother.
Evil, but make it Arca.
It’s giving Twilight, but I need this man to clip his nails.
Lots of codes and crests to unpack here. I will let you actually do that.