From the studio that brought us Disney’s first “exclusively gay†moment circa 2017, Marvel TV’s now brought us something infinitely gayer in the twisted, undoubtedly doomed duo of Agatha Harkness and Rio Vidal. It doesn’t especially matter if they ever physically kiss (and to be clear, the yowl I let out at this episode’s close call confirms that I am extremely pro that more explicit scenario). Whether or not Marvel’s international markets ever acknowledge as much, by the time Agatha grips Rio’s neck like a lifeline, the irrefutable truth is that their relationship was — and remains — far from platonic. To paraphrase Rio, they’re each other’s scars, wounding each other on a deeper level than either can particularly express without accidentally/on purpose stabbing each other.
And y’know what? Good! Queer narratives have always been baked into those of witches, who are traditionally depicted as women cast out for being different than what society deems acceptable. As Agatha points out early in this episode, she’s assembled a makeshift coven of otherwise “coven-less witches†that some might call troublemakers, but she calls “rule-breakers.†Even for witches, the likes of Agatha, Lilia, Jen, and Alice are considered to be especially outside the norm. If there weren’t some lesbian undertones to Agatha All Along, the witch show wouldn’t be doing its job, Marvel mandates or no. Even the way Hahn shifts Agatha’s body language once she’s back in her preferred button-up shirt and trousers is unmistakably queer (iykyk)! Most importantly, Hahn and Plaza have such incredible, crackling chemistry that it would be a genuine crime to waste it on platonic.
With that tiny treatise, let’s rewind to the beginning of the episode. Since it looks like Mrs. Sharon Hart Davis is really, most sincerely dead (R.I.P.), the coven is down a member and on edge. For Agatha, the loss is the inevitable cost of doing business on The Road, which is news to everyone else who’s never been down it before. Apparently, Agatha’s previous trip ended with just one other survivor — who, I’d bet actual money on, is the very same witch they summon out of the ground not five minutes later.
With absolutely no disrespect to the legend that is (was) Debra Jo Rupp’s comic relief, the show immediately clicks into a higher gear once Rio quite literally claws her way back into the show. Aubrey Plaza’s performance is just so charismatic, so menacing, and so obviously the linchpin for whatever’s to come, even in what looks like the sexy Halloween costume version of Robin Williams’s Jumanji jungle survivor. (This is a compliment, Jumanji forever.) She also has the entire coven so hot and bothered they’re not sure what to do with it. As Jen puts it: “Do I hate her, or do I want her phone number?â€
Of course, this being The Road, another trial awaits. This time, they walk up to a house that immediately spooks Alice, and not just because it’s a dead ringer for the set of Bad Times at the El Royale (a movie that definitely exists). The late ’60s/early ’70s vibe is a clear evocation of her mother’s recording studio, a memory that brings just about all the baggage Alice has with it. At least it also makes them all look super hot (dodgy wigs notwithstanding), with Rio and Agatha especially flirting with necklines plunging low enough to suggest actual sex appeal. What’s next? Chest hair on a Marvel superhero?? A girl can dream …
As the countdown clock starts ticking — in the clever form of a metronome, which should stress out anyone who took a single piano lesson as a kid — the coven starts writhing in pain, one by one. Turns out that the “birthmarks†on Alice’s shoulder are actually marks of the curse her mother warned her about, and it’s now making its way through her new coven unless they can stop it in its tracks. How, you ask? Why, by bursting into song, of course!
Now, if I had to essentially play a round of “Rock Band†to save my skin, it’d have to be Guns N’ Roses’ “Sweet Child O’Mine.†Unfortunately, that’s not in the cards for our witches. Agatha correctly guesses that “Lorna’s Ballad†— i.e. the cover Alice’s mother did of the song that summons The Road — is, in fact, a protection spell. As long as someone’s singing along to it somewhere, Alice is somewhat protected from the curse that took her mother and grandmother before her. On The Road, Alice smashing the song on piano (while Lilia smashes it on… maracas?) proves enough to vanquish the extremely Buffy-looking demon that appears at the top of the studio amid bursts of flame. As far as shattering generational trauma goes, it’s pretty spectacular stuff, and Ali Ahn rises to the occasion with serious flair.
Still, “If I Can’t Reach You / Let My Song Teach You†begins and ends with Agatha and Rio once again facing off. As aforementioned with admittedly feverish interest on my part, things almost get really sexy as Agatha grabs Rio’s face and leans in for what looks to be a very hungry kiss. They’re thisclose to crawling inside each other’s skin when Rio pulls away, killing the vibe by breaking the news that Agatha’s concern for the wounded Teen need not be maternal. “That boy isn’t yours,†she says. It’s a simple line that breaks Agatha’s black heart completely, Hahn briefly letting her face split open in fresh grief before it hardens again, resolute.
As with the previous episode, the trial gives this one structure and injects it with a frisson of energy that only an elaborate theme party can provide. “If I Can’t Reach You / Let My Song Teach You†is a lot of fun, and the anticipation for Patti Lupone getting her own no-holds-barred solo in a Lilia spotlight episode is only building. But as with the last episode, this one has a similar overarching issue. The previous trial leaned on Jen’s expertise to ostensibly highlight her and her history, just as this one does for Alice. We learn a little more about each of them, from Alice’s curse to Jen’s harrowing history with a white Boston doctor (a cursed phrase if there ever was one). But even as Agatha is reluctantly learning to trust her coven instead of immediately cutting them loose, both Alice and Jen’s episodes ultimately belong to the series’ title character. As the song goes, this story has been Agatha’s all along.
The Snarkhold-overs:
• Programming note: While I had the first three episodes ahead of time, I’m now officially Of The People, i.e., advance screener-less from here on out. Please bear with me and any flyby inaccuracies while I get these recaps together ASAP!
• Kathryn Hahn Line Read of the Week: “Heyyyyy that’s my coven you’re talking about! I’m not that kind of witch anymore!â€
• Patti Lupone Line Read of the Week (an overdue honorific, especially since she delivered it from underneath a Liza Minnelli wig): “Oh, great! Fire!!â€
• Speaking of which, I am begging you all to go back and take a look at Lupone’s reaction to Rio snapping into a demon voice. Between that and “I’m covered in nipples,†I imagine this is basically what her and Plaza’s roommate situation was like all the time, and am jealous of both all over again.
• Another shoutout to my own roommate for realizing that Alice asking for “Advil†right before Rio Vidal pops out of the ground is, indeed, a very funny anagram way of welcoming her back.
• So Rio is “the†Green Witch, eh? Marvel wikis lead down some interesting roads with that moniker, but who knows! Let the rampant speculation commence!