There’s nothing more painfully off-putting than watching Culver interact with women. Witnessing him ask Jaimee to be his girlfriend via a cheesy card that asks her to tick a box took several years off my lifespan. Visibly shocked and probably contemplating her decision to choose him as the guy to have a boatmance with, Jaimee checks “yes.†It’s more of a pity “yes†than an “Oh my gosh, I really like you and want to date you†type of “yes.†I mean, what else can she do when he’s put her in this position? Jaimee’s clearly not enthused about the fact that she’s now in a relationship, but Culver got what he wanted, which is a boat girlfriend to do the things that his mom typically does for him at home. The funniest part is Aesha being ten times more excited than Jaimee.
During Luka’s first night out with the crew, Tzarina decides that everyone should go around the table and ask him a question to get to know him better. Aesha asks Luka if he’s “waxed, shaved, or keep[ing] it natural down there,†while Margot inquires about his relationship status (single, of course). Then after a bit of liquid courage, Tzarina, who’s been debating whether to take things further with João, finally makes a move and kisses him. As much as I think they have great chemistry and look good together, I can’t help but side-eye her a bit for placing importance on girl code just to go ahead and hook up with her best friend’s ex-fling. But you only live once, right?
When the bill arrives, everyone informs Culver that it’s his turn to pay since he’s the only one who hasn’t done it yet. When Culver refuses to do so, Jaimee pays it instead even though she’s already done her part during a previous night out. Not only is Culver lazy and entitled, but he’s also cheap, which is very on-brand. After only a few hours of dating, Jaimee’s already pissed at him, and rightfully so. Like, babe, you just got a fat tip, so pay up!
Then to make things worse, Culver decides to hang out with the guys and have a budgy-mullet jacuzzi party instead of spending quality time with Jaimee in a guest cabin. (Side note: Is Harry and/or the show being sponsored by Budgy Smugglers? The constant showcasing of them is getting out of hand.) While everyone’s in the hot tub, Aesha chooses to have a chill night and eats noodles in bed. Relatable queen! Culver eventually joins Jaimee in the guest cabin while João climbs into Tzarina’s bed, where they bang under the covers, which I desperately wish I could unsee.
It was only a matter of time before our glorious streak of unproblematic guests came to an end, with our next charter being a girls’ trip that immediately spells trouble. Their preference sheets include a lengthy list of dietary restrictions, ranging from Kosher to gluten-free. Tzarina determines that this charter is bound to be a “recipe for disaster†since girls’ trips are usually full of jealousy and bitching, and she’s quickly proven right.
After getting settled on the boat, the guests gather for a Mad Hatter–themed high tea, which is beautiful, lavish, decadent, and everything that Ryan from last season’s high tea was not. Things quickly turn sour when one guest, Ji, informs Tzarina that she’s lactose intolerant, but that it isn’t bad as long as she takes her pills and keeps track of her dairy intake. Tzarina isn’t worried about it, but guest Sarah and co-primary Melissa insert themselves into the conversation and start drilling her about it. While I agree that Ji should’ve disclosed her lactose intolerance on the preference sheet, it’s really not that big of a deal.
The guests mostly just use this as an excuse to express how much they don’t like Ji. Sarah moves the argument indoors and starts shouting at Ji about her lactose intolerance before pivoting to telling her how much everyone doesn’t want to share a room with her. Ji goes to her cabin to cry, while co-primary Zara tries to calm things down. There’s nothing better than charter guests who suck at hiding the fact that they can’t stand each other. If you had to draw straws to determine who’d get stuck sharing a room with someone, then why bother even inviting them? These guests are Real Housewives–level of petty, and I’m here for it! They waste so much time arguing that they miss the window to go to the beach, so they decide to get shitfaced in the jacuzzi. By the time dinner rolls around, they’re barely able to stand up or walk.
The guys are excited to work a charter full of horny women, but these guests are obsessed with ogling the deck team to the point where it gets a bit uncomfortable. At one point, Luka compares their behavior toward them to animals at a zoo that look at people with “hungry eyes.†They’re so messy and dramatic that even Jason declines their invitation to join them for dinner, claiming that he’s on anchor watch when he really just doesn’t want to deal with their drunken antics. I can’t blame him because they’re an absolute trip.
Meanwhile, João and Tzarina circle back to the topic of their blossoming relationship. They’re both happy to have taken things beyond flirting — Tzarina claims that she’s on “cloud nine†now that she’s finally “done something for myself†— but decide to keep things casual for now. I hate the fact that I’m actually liking them as a pair, but they genuinely seem smitten with each other, which can’t be said about this season’s other current boatmance.
Regardless of how obnoxious it can get, the guests typically get what they want, and for the first night, it’s the deckies serving them drinks while wearing Budgy Smugglers. I usually find any request that involves crew members doing embarrassing or uncomfortable things for the sake of entertaining the guests to be distasteful, and while some eye candy is nice, the intense male objectification is getting out of hand. Zara is so excited upon seeing the guys that she slides out of her seat, crawls under the table, and then touches their bodies while other guests slap their butts. “I don’t know if they think they’re on a super-yacht or a strip club,†Aesha tells us. Given that these classless guests have requested a stripper-themed dinner for the second night, I’m going to assume the latter.
Next week, Culver’s alter ego Keith Stone returns, Jaimee possibly ditches Culver for Luka (fingers crossed!), and Harry upsets Jaimee after telling her that Margot is more deserving of being second stew during a night out. There may only be two charters left, but there’s still much more dramatic goodness to come.