Cut the cameras. I want to create a comprehensive family tree of our guests in this style. Yes, we’re getting a low-stakes love triangle with Ben, Leigh-Ann, and Camille, but I am far more interested in why our primary, Jake, is on vacation with his colleagues and his not-quite-sister-in-law while his wife is home with their three kids. And, lucky for me, so is Fraser.
Hmm … how to describe this group? As they roll up to the boat, Katie says she feels as if she were back in South Florida. What a read! I didn’t know Katie had it in her. Jake and Crystal, his “sister-in-law,†take the primary cabin. Right away, I have questions. How are they in-laws? Where are their spouses? Fraser has these same questions and takes it upon himself to go on a fact-finding mission. While bartending, he asks Crystal innocuous questions about the group. Mark and Angel, who are Jake’s colleagues, are sharing a room. Claire and Albron are a couple. I believe Albron is one of Jake’s colleagues. Olivia and Josh, who is allegedly Jake’s brother-in-law, are a couple and sharing a cabin. (We, unfortunately, don’t discover the details of Josh and Jake’s relationship. Is Olivia his sister? That seems to be the only logical explanation, but anything goes). And then there’s Jake and Crystal. Crystal clarifies that Jake’s wife is her best friend, like a sister, she says. They’re not even really in-laws! Fraser so innocently asks so where is she then? Crystal responds that she’s back in Chicago, at home with their three kids. I’m sorry, but I need to know more. Why is Crystal on this charter? Why isn’t Jake’s wife aboard? How is Josh related to Jake? Does Crystal have a partner? Crystal is allegedly sleeping on the couch in Jake’s room, but that’s not even the point. I’m not puritanical, just deeply curious about how this dynamic came to be and what’s going on behind the scenes. Maybe I’m nosier than usual, but those who keep up with Vanderpump Rules will understand.
We have a little more intel to work with: At dinner, we learn that Jake and his wife, within their first year of dating, moved in together, got engaged, and got pregnant. Fraser feels weird about this information and decides to dig with discretion.
What else is noteworthy about our guests? Angel, a.k.a. Satan, is a douche with a drinking problem. He barks at Hayley to take his plate away and doesn’t even look Fraser in the eye when ordering a double shot of tequila. He also requests a “bloody mary inside of a bloody mary,†which is just his way of saying “two bloody marys.†This type of phrasing seems to be permanently etched into his vocabulary. Earlier, he says he wants a “tequila inside of a tequila inside of a tequila.†I bet he thinks this is clever. To make matters worse, he calls himself a Luddite and claims he hates sand and salt water while on the beach. Sure. Karma comes for us all, however, and he slips and slams his ass and back against the deck on the first night. The next morning, he says he’s bruised but can’t remember why.
I know letting loose is part of the charter experience, but this group’s drinking is concerning. Their first lunch is a cocktail pairing, and they get hammered so fast. I don’t want them getting too close to the edge! This feels like an accident waiting to happen. I’m curious about Bravo’s insurance policy regarding drinking across all their shows …
Meanwhile, our love triangle is pretty low stakes. Camille is physically out of the picture, and there’s only a week left of the charter season. What’s the worst that could happen? Realistically, Camille won’t find out about Leigh-Ann until after the fact (not that I’m condoning that). Leigh-Ann is not leaving without hooking up with Ben, that’s for sure, but it’s not like Ben is pushing her away. Hayley recaps what went down with Camille for Leigh-Ann, who doesn’t care because they’re not officially together. “The plot thickens … This is going to be horrific, isn’t it?†asks Hayley. Honestly, only moderately horrific, I think! Ben is still planning on seeing Camille in the Dominican Republic once the season wraps and realizes he will have to tell both women about each other. Leigh-Ann isn’t totally in the dark; she probes Ben about Camille, and he doesn’t exactly ride for her. Ben and Leigh-Ann text throughout the charter, work late shifts together, and flirt pretty heavily. They also reread their DMs to each other. They’re both so horny I bet they’ll hook up multiple times in the next episode. Tony is convinced more drama is on the horizon, reminding us that the ghost of Camille is right over there.
Katie projects her past onto Leigh-Ann and Ben and decides she’s not okay with Ben hiding the truth. He’s obsessed with Camille and needs to come clean about her, she says. Maybe I love mess, but it’s not as if he and Camille are engaged or even officially dating? And Leigh-Ann is aware of her existence? Perhaps Katie should focus her efforts on Ross, who seems to be on a completely different page than her regarding their “relationship.†I have to hand it to the Bravo producers: This editing of their talking-head interviews is excellent. They couldn’t be more unaligned.
Ross: I just want to have physical fun.
Katie: It’s evident our connection is getting stronger.
Ross: I’m definitely happier when I’m having sex for sure.
Kaite: It’s more serious than just playing around at work.
Ross: Sex hasn’t been regular enough recently.
The rest of the crew is in great spirits, though, with Captain Lee even saying so much to Rachel. He’s impressed with the cohesiveness and gives Captain Sandy credit where it’s due: “Obviously, she did something right.†These two! Are you feuding? Or are you on good terms? I am choosing to believe, for my own sanity, that it’s all water under the bridge.
From the Galley
• The potato-sack race on the beach is objectively funny, as is Leigh-Ann spelling “Moscow Mules†as “Moscule Mules.â€
• Leigh-Ann and Fraser’s power struggle is starting, and I hope Fraser’s able to stop it before it gets unwieldy. It’s time to put those learnings from Captain Sandy into action!
• What prompted Camille’s text to Ben? Is a producer acting as a double agent, or was it just simply perfect timing?
• I never knew that bringing bananas on a fishing boat was bad luck, so thank you for that, Captain Lee!