Often, while watching Emily in Paris, I shout at my TV to no avail. Despite my cries, everyone stays committed to traditional monogamy. Emily remains committed to doing whatever she is doing with her hair and to saying, “I have feelings for Gabriel!†or “I’m serious about Alfie!†while treating both men as strangers she just met in the grocery store.
And yet, every now and then, the sun slices through the clouds, and I know, I know: The television can hear me, and Emily in Paris is shouting back.
The first time this happened was in season two: I spent an entire season demanding to know how old Emily was supposed to be and was rewarded for my efforts with an episode all about Emily’s birthday. We are all older now — even Emily, I think? — and so my shouts, lately, have been about the fact that Emily thinks she is the protagonist we’re all rooting for but is, in fact, an anti-heroine in the grand Bradshaw tradition. More often than not, I think of her as the villain of the series. (The hero, of course, is Sylvie.)
This is why it THRILLS me to report that our fourth season begins with a sequence I swear was designed with us in mind. Emily ended season three believing she’d lost her great romance, Gabriel, to impending fatherhood and her actual boyfriend, Alfie, to her emotional investment in Gabriel. But we all know what Emily really cares about, and this season opens with the true love of Emily’s life — social media — turning against her.
Remember Camille’s younger brother, Timothée, who was only 17 when Emily hooked up with him back in season one? He has made a viral TikTok in which he argues, quite compellingly, that Emily is a monster. YES. Emily, he alleges, ruined Camille’s life and has harmed his family before. Preach that gospel, Timothée!
We cut to Emily at the café with Mindy, insisting, “I did nothing wrong here, okay?†A sociopath ’til the end; you almost have to respect it. Emily is doing something this show rarely makes her do: facing the consequences of her shortsighted and careless actions. Alfie won’t text her back, and because we have lost Madeline and her pregnancy, it is extremely difficult to know how much time is passing on this show, but Emily is acting as if it has been some unconscionable interregnum since they last spoke. Later in this episode, we will discover it has been three days.
For the ten thousandth time, Emily has decided that Gabriel isn’t an option; I trust that, like every other time she has done this, she will find the closure she seeks and move forward with her life!! The only person here who is being interesting is, unfortunately but intriguingly, off-screen: Camille, who is still having a baby with Gabriel and is in love with Sofia. FINALLY. How potentially juicy and fun and FRENCH. (I assume … I am American, but I watch a lot of movies.)
What can be said about Mindy in this scene? It’s not her tackiest outfit, but her platform heels are a brat-summer green, and as soon as Emily splits, Mindy watches part two of Camille’s brother’s tirade.
Absolutely hilarious to see Gabriel incapacitated by a hand burn at the restaurant — Emily in Paris does not obey the laws of space or time, but it does recognize the Inviolable Rules of Television Health and Medicine, which decrees that injuries are never deforming but are always, conveniently, just debilitating enough to require assistance from a love interest. Gabriel’s burn leaves Emily no choice but to unpack all his groceries and cook an omelet for him. Wasn’t she just saying it was time to focus on work? Emily is setting a new personal record for how quickly she will go back on her word after saying she will do one correct thing, only to pivot and do some other dumb thing instead.
I recently was on the very fun Enemy in Paris podcast talking about our beloved psychotic show. During this conversation, I explained that characters here behave as if they are being lobotomized in between takes, so no one remembers anything anyone has ever said or done. For instance, here we see Gabriel telling Emily that she is always doing the right thing at the expense of herself; she tells him that he is always doing the same. Have we EVER seen either of them do this?! Gabriel is arguably the only person in this series who is even more selfish than Emily, who is saved only somewhat by her unrelenting delusion that she is A Good Person Who Means Well. It really is always two dumb bitches telling each other “exactlyyyy.â€
In frankly shocking news to me, Sylvie has seen Timothée’s TikTok. I thought Sylvie was above that sort of thing. I still love her, but I’m a little disappointed. Fortunately, her response is, “The less we say about it, the better.†On the subject of saying less, Sylvie also instructs Emily to keep her mouth shut during the meeting with AMI because Julien is hanging by a thread, as is his right. I’ll be honest with you: I thought he quit at the end of last season. I got ahead of myself because I thought we were doing, like, actual plot development. That’s on me! I won’t make that mistake again.
As you may recall, Emily and Alfie are the face of this campaign — a campaign that Emily pitched, FULLY KNOWING (1) Alfie’s hesitation about moving forward in their relationship because he’d been burned by “going public†in much lower-stakes ways before by women who weren’t really committed to him and (2) that she was, and is, obsessed with Gabriel (this is in the text and not in their actual performance/chemistry/energy, but we are to believe EMILY believes it, and that’s what matters here). As usual, she is in an absolute shitshow entirely of her own design. Are we supposed to feel bad for her? Emily does a beautiful cultural exchange wherein she teaches the French about the concept of the kiss cam. Then she tries to back out of the whole thing, as it will require her and Alfie, the faces of this campaign, to, you know, kiss. Julien, correctly, says it’s a little late for Emily to “not interfere,†seeing as she inserted herself into the campaign. Sylvie, as we all know, warned Emily about the risks of broadcasting her entire life for public consumption. Meanwhile, Alfie not only blocked Emily’s number but also deleted her on Instagram, which, to Emily, surely hits like a war crime.
Let’s leave the kids’ table for a moment, shall we? Maison Lavaux and Baccarat are collaborating on a perfume by Antoine. They wanted an English name, but Sylvie wisely deems “Crystal Heart†too tacky. She asks what Antoine’s wife thinks. Funny you should ask, Sylvie! Antoine’s wife thinks it’s time for a divorce. No one is surprised, but personally, I am concerned by Antoine’s eagerness because I am rooting for Sylvie and her actual husband, Laurent, to make it work, NOT because I am being conventional and American but because I like him more. Remember him in the tux at the opera? Very swoony, and I really appreciated it. Alfie arrives because he still works for Antoine. Antoine uses Alfie to talk about himself, encouraging this young chap to “stick with it†because “the spark could reignite.†Sylvie is … less interested. I am with Sylvie. Antoine seems so desperate.
Ah, yes, Mindy and her boys, dressed like idiots and pursuing their dreams in a parallel universe that has nothing to do with the show we are watching. They are going to Eurovision for France, which feels sort of against the rules (Mindy isn’t French??), but I am not a Eurovision expert, so I defer to those of you who are. They have to fund this themselves. It’s very we-need-a-talent-show-to-save-the-rec-center in terms of plot devices, but remember what I said three paragraphs ago? I’m NOT falling for the trap of caring about the plot again :) I am content, and my brain is blank, and I am glad Mindy’s bandmate is here to provide cute little quips like, “No help from the government? What is this, America?†Mindy is still dating Nicolas, who was a genuinely interesting foil for Emily but then went full one-dimensional supervillain. He is crazy rich, and the bandmates suggest Mindy ask him for the money, but she refuses. “Just because he’s hot doesn’t mean you can’t date him for his money,†says the non-Benoit bandmate whose name I have not yet committed to memory. “Multitask, bitch!â€
Alfie tries to go to the gym, but he is confronted by a gigantic poster of him and Emily. Despite having blocked her number, he calls Emily to beg her to remove it. Everyone on this show is so stupid. He cannot possibly think that’s how that works?! She is not in charge of this! Hot off the insight that the gym is the “only place†Alfie can go to escape from Emily in all of Paris, Emily … shows up in the middle of his boxing session so she can destroy his hard-won peace and distract him mid-round so he gets punched in the head. Yet again, the Inviolable Rules of Television Health and Medicine require Emily to be called upon to tenderly apply ice to Alfie’s face and also for Alfie to be shirtless. “You’re more important to me than any campaign,†Emily says, which is truly hilarious because we KNOW this is a lie. Much like Faye Dunaway in Network, Emily Cooper has one love, and it is CONTENT.
Laurent is opening a sexy yacht club in Paris. Louis de Leon — the guy who engaged in some as-yet-defined inappropriate misconduct with Sylvie when she was young and in his employ; also, Nico’s dad — is the backer. Sylvie has not really told Laurent what happened with Louis; we don’t really know if he would still pursue this business venture if he had that information, and maybe Sylvie doesn’t want to find out.
That evening, Mindy laments to Emily that the gig economy is a scam. (Best line of the episode: “I’d sell feet pics, but there’s something demoralizing about doing a job you did in high school.†I feel like this show is SO close to just letting Mindy be their Alexis, and I say run with that instinct!) Emily has such an idiotic idea of salvaging her disaster — using AI Memoji-type animation? Whatever, it’s not even worth getting into it. Mindy is all, “I can’t believe you did all this for work.†Does ANYONE actually know Emily? Have they met her? Am I alone here, hallucinating this entire series?
Nicolas gifts Mindy a JVMA outfit to wear to tomorrow’s event — all the characters will be attending the French Open — and it’s basically a Pepto Bismol–colored Jackie O-type suit. It is very obvious that the purpose of the outfit is to force Mindy to look appropriate, by Nicolas’s father’s standards, and I thought Mindy was a pretty smart cookie, but it takes her forever to figure this out. (Let’s not even get into the audacity of Nicolas’s dad, who we know engaged in some sort of Me Too misconduct in the workplace, telling a woman that she is being inappropriate based on her attire.)
Meanwhile, Alfie puts on a three-piece suit to confront Gabriel in his empty restaurant. This whole interaction feels so flat and sterile; no one has ever really had chemistry with Emily, and these men don’t really have friends-to-enemies chemistry with each other. In fact, I never really bought them as friends in the first place, did you? Gabriel’s insufferable shtick about being some self-sacrificing knight to support Emily’s relationship with someone I’m fairly certain she’s only been dating for … three months? Is not working for me. Literally, everyone here can break up with whoever they want! It’s not that deep for anyone except Gabriel and Camille, who I’m sure can reach some French understanding!
Naturally, Emily did not solve her problem before the French Open began. This is, objectively, a fireable offense, but of course, she will keep her job, and Julien will bail over her shenanigans. Emily is dressed like she is auditioning for The Music Man. Mindy finds out the reason her boyfriend has her dressed like she’s doing bad First Lady cosplay. I know we are supposed to be on Mindy’s side here because men shouldn’t tell women what to wear, her body her choice, etc. etc., BUT what’s very funny about this to me is that I REMEMBER clocking that the outfit she wore to meet her boyfriend’s dad was particularly salacious, even for Mindy, especially considering she was at a work event. (From that recap: “Mindy is wearing basically nothing but nude figure-skater mesh with three strategically placed black swirls.â€) I feel like this all could have been avoided with a normal adult conversation. Surely, the event has a dress code that Mindy could have been made aware of. Anyway, Mindy and Nicolas are obviously a bad match because he wants her to be someone she’s not, but I also think her outfit choices are objectively insane 95 percent of the time. AITA?
Julien gets that job offer with JVMA. Sylvie thinks this is all about punishing her. Her self-absorption at this critical juncture is exactly what Julien needed to hear to feel free to abandon ship. Over in Emily’s court, the whole jankiness of this AMI plan is very grating to me. Obviously, they wouldn’t just swing the camera over to Emily if they hadn’t confirmed Alfie’s attendance! What kind of amateur deal is this? But Alfie arrives at the last moment, looking quite sharp. He is trying to do the vulnerable-adult conversation, but unfortunately for him, he is on Emily in Paris, so it won’t get him anywhere.
Emily says, “Look at us. That’s real,†as she gestures toward the enormous ad with their chemistry-free kiss in it. “You can’t fake that.†IT IS LITERALLY AN ADVERTISEMENT. IT IS FAKE BY DEFINITION. THEY HIRE ACTORS AND MODELS FOR THEM ALL THE TIME!! My brain is melting, and we are only 27 minutes into this new season. Alfie says, wisely, that he cannot move past the Gabriel thing, and therefore, he cannot date her. He politely kisses her for the kiss cam. But it’s a farewell kiss, like the kind from The Godfather: Part II (spoiler if you didn’t know how mafia death kisses work).
Alfie reports to Antoine that he is heartbroken. Imagine being heartbroken over a woman who only loves hashtags. Antoine decides “Heartbreak†is a better English name for his perfume, and Sylvie agrees. But she has bigger issues to face: A journalist is investigating Louis de Leon and wants to talk to her. God, what a chic sweater situation. Every time I see how Sylvie looks when she is just at home by herself, I realize I need to do better. In other sartorial news, Mindy sells her JVMA outfit so she has some cash to fund the Eurovision performance. And I’m sorry to side with the devil here, but look at what Mindy wears when she dresses herself. How many Smurfs had to die for her to get that hat?
After assuring Alfie over and over again that he had nothing to worry about in the Gabriel department, Emily basically sprints to Gabriel’s restaurant as soon as her breakup is through. Gabriel has some news: Nobody has seen Camille since the wedding. Emily fails to register that this is important, so Gabriel spells it out for her: Camille is MISSING. Search Party crossover?