John Stamos’s If You Would Have Told Me may be a part of the Full House of celebrity memoirs out this week, but the revelations in the book will not be lost in the shuffle. Stamos paints a wide range of emotional moments throughout his life, like some dark memories, such as entering rehab and being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. However, against those more difficult passages comes a deeper, sometimes more light-hearted look at his relationships with his former cast members, friends, and lovers. How did Uncle Jesse really feel about living in a fictional San Francisco? Does he still have hard feelings against Tony Danza? How many nose jobs did he get? The answer is two, but for the rest, you’ll have to read on for the highlights (and pomade — he is Uncle Jesse) that filled John Stamos’s memoir.
Everywhere you look, there’s tea
The Olsen twins almost didn’t get it, dude
Stamos explained that during the first season of filming, he almost got Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen permanently fired from Full House. He couldn’t handle their crying on set and told the show’s creator, Jeff Franklin, “It’s either me or them. They’re not going to work out. They’ll ruin this show and my career.†The girls were eventually fired, but only for a brief period of time. After a day or two with some “homely†red-headed kids, Stamos asked for the Olsen twins to return.
He had minor beef with Bob Saget
The twins weren’t the only members of the Tanner family that had a slow burn on Stamos. Stamos revealed that it took a while for him to bond with the late Bob Saget. “Bob is the humblest egomaniac I’ve ever met, but he undercuts his narcissism by being so damn lovable. A walking contradiction, he makes up for his self-inflicted insecurity by being a self-inflicted aggrandizer,†Stamos wrote. “I know Bob is wickedly talented. I just don’t tell it to his face at this point. But If I want to learn anything about comedy, I need to study Bob … Bob and I tolerate each other and attempt to avoid interfering with each other’s creative processes, though it can be challenging.â€
It wasn’t until Stamos, Saget, and Dave Coulier all experienced their sisters being sick around the same time that they bonded and truly became friends. “Bob, Dave, and I are no longer three guys who work on the same show; we are brothers worried about amazing women slipping away from us,†said Stamos. “All the fear, fighting for family, and frustration of loss has pummeled down some of our pettiness on the set. We’re seeing not only what is important in our own relationships with each other, but also our relationships with the fans out there who are struggling with issues of life and death.â€
Actually, he had beef with Full House’s “Uncle Adamâ€
Stamos was cast as “Uncle Adam†and admits that after the table read for the Full House pilot, he immediately wanted out. “The reading ends, thank God, and I head to the lobby as fast as I can, avoiding everyone babbling how great the reading went. I dig through my pockets for change. I jam a quarter into a pay phone, get my agent on the line, and gently suggest, “Get me the fuck off this show!’†he explains. “I’m dying to pull the rip cord on this family-friendly hell, but I’ll fulfill my contractual obligation to shoot the pilot. Keep it professional. The thing will crash and burn faster than my reputation, and I hope I can salvage some dignity with my next project. For now, stay cool. Control what you can control.†The first season didn’t have great ratings but by the end, it had great chemistry within the cast and finally won over Stamos.
You oughta know his reaction to Jagged Little Pill
Coulier first played Jagged Little Pill to Stamos once he realized much of the album was about him. “As we both listen, he says solemnly, ‘My God, John, I must have really hurt that girl.’ He is going through each lyric with me, and his memories flood out. ‘Listen to this song ‘Right Through You,’ there’s a line that goes ‘Your shake is like a fish.’ I used to tell her to dead fish me, and we’d do this limp handshake. A lot of familiar stuff in here,’†wrote Stamos. The thought of Joey from Full House, a.k.a. the guy whose catchphrase was “Cut. It. Out!†would be the source of all this angst made Stamos laugh long enough to “service the show with enough canned laughter for 500 episodes.â€
Nip/Tuck regrets and marriage woes
Stamos was offered an unnamed role on Ryan Murphy’s Nip/Tuck and turned it down because his wife at the time, Rebecca Romijn, felt it was “demeaning to women.†As the show becomes a hit, he felt deep regret for giving up the job. He described his marriage falling apart, and the repressed anger emerged during a mediation session. “‘To be fair, she should probably only pay about half, so —’ I explode. All that pent-up rage and sadness I’ve been stuffing rises to the surface, ‘Fair? Fair? Fuck fair! You wanna know what she did to me?’†Stamos shared before screaming, “Negotiate my balls!â€
Getting allegedly wire-tapped
During the college-admissions scandal of 2019, Uncle Jesse gave Aunt Becky (Lori Loughlin) a call to check in. He asked her what was going on as news began to break and he wrote that she said, “‘I have seen some emails lately from lawyers to Moss, but I stay out of it.’†He reacts, “Before I can process her response, I notice an odd clicking sound on the phone line. When I asked her about it, she again adopts her laissez-faire tone, ‘Oh, they may be bugging my phone.’â€
The Tony Danza of it all
Stamos described surprising his then-girlfriend actress Teri Copley at her home, only to find Tony Danza naked in bed with her. “He looks familiar … He rolls over, exposing his ripped abs and muscular body,†he remembered of the experience. Stamos later on finds out that Danza was pivotal in saving Full House during its first season, as Who’s the Boss? was the lead-in in season-one reruns of the show. “If you would have told me the day I walked into that room and caught my true love in bed with another guy that his show, Who’s the Boss?, would launch Full House into a bona fide hit, making me a household name,†he recalled. “Well, what can I say? Thanks, Tony Danza.â€