Temptation Island
So, the boys were just waiting for one of them to mess up, right? Because once Grant makes out with Natalie, any “rules” that they may have been following were thrown into that very picturesque ocean. The floodgates have opened. In the two short episodes following this indiscretion, the following intimate acts occur: Grant and Natalie have shower sex, Tyler and Kay make out in every location possible, Brion nearly makes a move on another woman while Shante is quite literally reading a Bible in the other house, Brion has a literal THREESOME with Alex and Courtney (His dream achieved), and Lino tries his damndest to cheat with Alex, who really only has eyes for Brion (and Courtney, I guess).
I sound like Lana from Too Hot to Handle, but this is a bit much … right? Did the Challengers wind that makes you cheat just roll through? Or did the boys just get the Severance chip and completely forget about their significant others?
The worst part is that it really doesn’t seem like these men regret their adultery since it’s all in the name of figuring out their preexisting relationships. Or worse, they twist their girlfriends’ words from the first bonfire to make them feel better about cheating. I was rooting for some light adultery in the last recap, but upon further reflection, I’d like us all to repent and go back to church, please.
In the midst of all of this pent-up sexual frustration, Mark L. Walberg tells the couples it’s time to trim the fat from this island and eliminate two singles per villa. The girls cut Quinten, who had previously gone on a date with Alexa, and Erik, a man whose only real plus is his frosted tips. Also, Case crashes out and decides to self-eliminate for some reason. He comes back two episodes later and is never heard from again. This house is a convoluted maze of abs and creatine.
Meanwhile, boys get rid of Reba, who I’ve literally never seen before in my life, and Mia, the FBoy Island alum who had to (a) take on the role of Lino’s therapist and (b) in the same breath, hear him declare that she’s just not his type. Mia needs to hop on a boat and head back to FBoy Island — clearly, her captain got lost at sea and took her to the wrong beachfront villa. Reboot THAT, Netflix!!!!!!! I’m begging you!!!!!!
Those four are immediately replaced with sexy new singles — Daries, Ladimore, Daria, and Angel — who are dropped into the show in increasingly ridiculous ways. First, the boys are the girls’ painting “models,” then Daria and Angel come, pretending to be wait staff at a Mexican restaurant. Rightfully, Brion is concerned if this ruse has messed with their chips and guac. (It hasn’t, thank God.)
At the bonfire, the boys get more ammo for their twisted mind games when they see their girlfriends doubting their relationships. But the real fireworks (or lack of) come when Ashley sees that Grant had sex with another woman. Upon seeing this clip, she silently sits there, without crying. For a woman who tears up at just about everything, Ashley definitely wasn’t surprised. And although she went on television to find out if her boyfriend was loyal, it seems like Ashley knew the answer all along.
Tayler also gets a shock upon seeing her clip, which shows Tyler cuddling with Kay and admitting that his relationship is probably over. It hits a chord — she has abandonment issues, which cause her to tearfully utter, “I’d probably leave me too.” Oof. But this is where consummate pro Mark L. Walberg comes in. “You’re believing a lie!” he proclaims. If Mark L. Walberg told me to get my shit together in a booming voice, I probably would, too.
Of course, Mark L. Walberg isn’t done yet. He’s introducing a twist called the “Temptation Haven” — a tent in their yards where there are no cameras, but plenty of microphones! Only problem is, an alarm goes off in the other house when someone enters it. That way, the psychological torture can happen live, while the act is happening. Genius!
The first couple to take advantage of the so-called “Haven” (which is actually just a smaller version of the Weasleys’ tent from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) is Tyler and Kay, whose passionate makeout confirms that the mics are, indeed, on. Then it’s Natalie and Grant’s turn, who clearly aren’t bothered by the tent’s already broken-in mattress.
But Brion won’t be outdone because this is when he gets his threesome on! I’m sorry — where are the cameras in this bathroom? You mean to tell me we watched Natalie throw a sloppy handprint on the shower wall a few days ago, but now I can’t see exactly what the subtitles mean by “wet slapping”? Perhaps it’s for the best. The next day, Brion tells cameras he’s “still respecting Shante” despite cheating on her with multiple women, which is more off-putting than any sex scene could be.
As Angel rightfully points out the next day on their date, Brion is full of contradictions. He wants a woman that’s in church every Sunday, but will also participate in (or at least permit) threesomes. He’s into polyamory, but also wants to come home to the same person every night. He wants to strengthen his relationship with Shante, but balks at Angel’s deep questions. This man has a lot of growing to do, and Temptation Island might not be the place to do it.
Another man full of indecision is Grant, who seems to bounce back and forth from hooking up with Natalie to missing Ashley. He hates seeing Ashley with other men, yet doesn’t hesitate to kiss Natalie whenever it feels nice. Grant doesn’t see his relationship as fully over, despite cheating on her multiple times. While Tyler seems to, at the very least, understand his relationship must be done, Grant wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
Back at the ladies’ villa, Ashley and Tayler have deemed themselves officially single, so they start making moves. Tayler asks out life-of-the-party Yamen, who is finally getting the screen time he deserves. After Ashley and Danny’s “sensual embodiment” date — which consisted of two nearly-hairless people holding each other — the two set off the “Temptation Haven” alarm but don’t kiss. They quickly rectify this the next day.
In the middle of all this, Alexa and Lino remain pretty steadfast in their commitment to each other (except when Lino occasionally gets the urge to cheat and flirts with Alex, who turns him down every time). This should be a lesson for future Temptation Islanders: The least controlling couple is actually coming out the strongest.
Meanwhile, Shante has pretty much walled herself off from male touch or connection. She writes to Brion in her journal and even paints “I Love Brion” onto the shoulder of dual-sport Princeton grad Hashim. At the next bonfire, she finally finds out about the infamous threesome, but her reaction is flat. After crying at a Temptation Haven alarm being set off, Shante doesn’t shed a tear when her boyfriend gets involved in some “wet slapping” with two other women. (Sorry, I had to repeat that.) She even starts making comments that hint at her eventual reconciliation with him: Shante doesn’t believe Brion is a bad person since he wouldn’t have done that in the “real world.”
So, here’s my question: What isn’t real about cheating on your girlfriend while being filmed for the largest streaming service in the world? Shante had wanted to show this series to her children as an example of Brion’s faith, but that’s gone up in flames. She refuses to reconcile the man who’s gone on Temptation Island with the future father of her kids, and it only makes for a confusing, embarrassing mess. Just like Ashley, Shante refuses to make Brion’s cheating a dramatic moment for the cameras—whether that’s because she wasn’t surprised or because she doesn’t want to make a bad situation worse, I don’t know. But at what point is it enough?
Everyone has narrowed down their options to two or three singles, so Mark L. Walberg makes the couples thin the herd again. The girls send home four boys so nameless that they didn’t even get goodbye confessionals, while the boys’ group of eliminees includes Courtney, a.k.a. one-third of the threesome. She’s confused, and I get it — if group sex can’t keep you around, what can?
The couples now get to send a brief, 30-second video message to their significant others — or not. They have to hike out to a rock and open a box with an iPad in it to watch in the beating-hot sun. This is not the ideal set-up. Starting off strong, Lino and Alexa confess their undying love for each other, which includes Lino’s banger of a line, “Please remember there’s only one me, and I’ve realized there’s only one Alexa.”
Meanwhile, in Grant’s video, he blames all his cheating on Ashley but says he “forgives” her at the same time. This makes no sense to me or to Ashley, who doesn’t send a response. Tyler sent an equally confusing video, telling Tayler he loves her but saying nothing about his emotional affair. When confronted with Tayler’s silence, Tyler immediately runs into Kay’s arms. Sometimes men are very predictable.
After Brion gives a watered-down apology, Shante tells him that she’s really and truly hurt by his actions. Upon hearing this, Brion cries for the first time all season. In more ways than one, the floodgates have opened — and it’s far too late to stop the swell.