Usually, when a new season of the Housewives starts, we here at the Real Housewives Institute struggle a little bit because the Eileen Davidson Accord means we can’t judge the new women until the fifth episode. That is not happening here because the new women hardly matter at all. Why? Because we’re still fighting about last year’s shit. We’re still fighting about three-seasons-ago shit. We’re still fighting about what happened at Melissa and Joe’s wedding back in 1985. (They did not get married that year, but doesn’t it seem like everyone in Jersey should have been married when Back to the Future was in theaters?) We’re still fighting about freaking Dina Manzo and Cop Without a Badge and freaking sprinkle cookies.
At this point, do these women even deserve a show anymore? Who can we give the show to? How about Dominic, Danielle’s son, who says that he can speak “British†and then says the words mother and fucker in an English accent so bad that it just made Liz Truss prime minister again. Give the show to Olivia, Jen’s daughter, who tells her mother she doesn’t want to get on her scooter because she might fall, and Jen says that she falls down and gets back up all the time. Olivia shouts, “And risk my beautiful nose, which is actually natural?†I LOL’d IRL. Get her and Milania Giudice together and make them the new Kate and Allie.
Who else can have the show? Oh, how about Marge’s orthopedist Dr. David A. Porter? He is fine! The only thing hotter than a man this good-looking is a man who is this good-looking and a doctor. The only thing hotter than that? A fine doctor with a middle initial. Nothing floods my basement like that. Give the show to Giacomo and Anthony, the sexy Italians who come to teach the women how to make fresh mozzarella. Okay, how are we 13 seasons into this show, and this class hasn’t happened before? Also, if you’re going to get two dudes to teach you how to ball your Italian cheese, they better be named fucking Giacomo and Anthony. Maybe a Pasquale. Maybe. But that could be a little on the nose.
But none of these people are on the show, so we are stuck with the large coterie of women, friends of, and also-rans who are delightfully clogging up our screens this season. What I love about the season so far is that this is the furthest we’ve ever seen them acknowledge that this here is a reality television program and not real life. Melissa and Teresa talk about going to Los Angeles to present an award at an awards show and how sad it is that they can’t get along.
Even more delightfully, we see Teresa send out her invitations, which are a clear acrylic invite on top of some live flowers. We had all seen them before because Ramona Singer showed hers off on Instagram and made Teresa change all the details of her big day. I was wondering how and if the show would address this because they would usually rather euphemize and talk about “friend groups†instead of the cast of the show and “in New York†instead of at the reunion. But they straight up were like, “Ramona Singer sucks and ruined Teresa’s wedding.†You have to appreciate the honesty here.
What old fights do we need to talk about? I don’t want to get into the Teresa and Joe of it all because we have been talking about that since “Rolling in the Deep†was a number-one song. Also, we’re going to get a lot more of it this season, so let’s put that on pause like Dorinda Medley or the tape in my stereo when I was waiting for “Opposites Attract†to come on the radio so I could record it.
Let’s talk about Jennifer and Marge. They’re back at it because Marge thought that they really made up last season after she told the entire nation that Bill cheated on her. Jennifer also thought they had settled things, but when she and Teresa heard from Marge’s ex-best friend Laura, they decided to take the meeting and talk some shit. Alright, this is shadier than the biggest tree in Paramus at sunset. I’m sure there are women all over suburban New Jersey trying to rat out women on the show to their adversaries, but I feel like they all need to get together and make some sort of policy about whether or not you do this. My idea is no. If someone talked to one of Jen or Teresa’s old friends, they’d both be pissed.
Even worse, they got some sort of juice out of the meeting but won’t say what it is. When Danielle is hanging with Jen, they get Teresa on the phone to talk about the meeting, and we find out that there is dirt not just about Marge but also about someone else. They don’t say who or what it is, but they say that if they repeated it, they’d be “as bad as Marge.†Who could it be? Joe Benigno is a good candidate because Laura would know all of their dirty laundry. However, I feel like it’s Melissa and Joe, and that is the rumor that is finally going to tear this family asunder. But I also can’t see Teresa sitting on cheating rumors about Melissa and not telling her brother. She’s hated Melissa from day one and would love to get this kind of revenge.
Anyway, they get into it by the pool at Danielle’s cheese-making party because Marge has a “mole†in “Jennifer’s camp†who told her about the meeting. This has to be a glam squad gay being messy, right? Also, if it is, that messy glam squad gay can send me gossip (and dick pics) all day long. My DMs are open and ready. Marge tells Jen she’s not acting like she wants to be friends, and Jen says that “friends is a spectrum.†She is absolutely right, but in this context, that is not something a friend does. If Jennifer wanted her cake and to eat her gossip, too, she should have called Marge and said, “Hey, your old girl Laura wants to meet to talk shit about you. Should I go to see what she has to say?†Then you stay in good with Marge, get all the tea, and then decide how spillable your teacup is.
Anyway, Marge says that Jen needs help, Jen says that she doesn’t, and then Marge says that Jen has issues with everyone, including Dolores. Jen says, “I don’t have issues with Dolores.†Dolores is with the other women dangling her feet in the pool, but when she hears this, she stands up on the pool’s Baja shelf and slowly turns around, like the spirit of vengeance with her hair blowing gently in the wind, and fixes Jennifer in her steely glare. Oh, she does have issues with Dolores, and she is about to hear about them.
I’m still not sure what they’re mad about. It’s some old shit from last year when Jen thinks Dolores was a bad friend to her, and her feelings were hurt, so Dolores called her a see you next Thanksgiving, and now they’re in a fight? I don’t know. Old shit again. Who can keep it straight? They’re just screaming at each other. Teresa tries to end it and says, “How about a clean slate?†Teresa Giudice? Wants a clean slate? The woman who is still mad that Melissa didn’t move her wedding day so that she wouldn’t be pregnant in the photos? This woman wants them to have a clean slate? That’s like Vladimir Putin screaming about the sanctity of his borders.
While they’re screaming, I’m way more interested in Melissa and Jennifer Fessler talking about a ham sandwich. (Oh, this is my apology to Jen Fessler for thinking her name was Jen Thessler last episode. She will no longer be called Jent; she will henceforth be known as Jenf. We barely regret the error.) Finally, Dolores and Jen stop shouting and agree to be “fine†with each other, which means they are just tabling this rage spiral until another group event.
After that, Dolores heads off to the table with the rest of the women, and Teresa and Jennifer are standing alone on the other side of the pool. This is essentially what the show is. It is a bunch of rational, intelligent, reasonable (for reality television) women and two women that the rest of them hate. If Jen’s only ally was anyone other than Teresa, she would have been booted from the show long ago. This is the problem with the way both of these women treat people. If you don’t display intense, unrelenting loyalty, then they burn the bridge with name-calling and violence. That’s why they’re isolated; that’s why they’re alone. This is why, at least on Housewives, you need to get over shit. If you don’t, that turd is just going to come back to you again and again, rolling on the undertow like it’s a candy bar that someone threw into a wave pool on a Princess cruise. It’s time for everyone to either make up and move on or step away from this show because, just like Teresa and her brother Joe, I’m so incredibly sick of fighting over the same shit.