The only person on this whole television program who is speaking any sense is Dolores Catania, a real-life Roman goddess who took the form of a human to try to save the horrible souls of Franklin Lakes. At Melissa’s Envy fashion show she says, “I’m getting so upset about this whole friend group. Where the fuck are we going?†Exactly! Where are we going? It’s not that the season is lacking conflict or good interpersonal story lines; it’s that it’s hard to believe anything that’s going on. It all seems like such a stretch, like these women hate each other so much they’re just grasping for reasons to fight.
Of course, Dolores has picked up on this as well. In her confessional she says, “Everyone’s got their panties in a bunch in this group. It’s like they’re all looking for something to hold on to.†She utters this line about Jackie Arnold, the great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter of Benedict Arnold. (I do not say great as a compliment; that’s just the way to describe a descendant.) Jackie shows up at Melissa’s fashion show and sits down next to Margaret, Danielle, and Rachel, who are all looking stunning in various midriff-baring dresses that Melissa lent them from Envy. “Are you wearing Envy?†Marge asks her. Jackie says no and then Marge tells her that Melissa sent them all dresses to wear.
Jackie storms off in a huff, upset that Melissa didn’t send her a free outfit for the show. When she gripes about it to Dolores, she first says, in confessional, that Jackie is too damn dramatic, always looking for a way that she was slighted, and she doesn’t know how Melissa put up with it for so long. Then she tells Jackie that Melissa told her if she called she would have offered a dress, but she didn’t want people to feel pressured to wear her clothes. Sure, if I was in Jackie’s position I might be a little peeved that she was left off the free-dress list, but this show has become about sides. Jackie chose the Teresa side, so she can’t be mad that she’s now missing out on the benefits of being friends with Melissa. As Dolores said, they’re just looking for things to get mad about.
This is also true of Jennifer Aydin and her comments both during the show and in confessional. She asks if Melissa designed any of the clothes that we’re seeing on the runway. The answer is no. “Why are you having a fashion show with clothes that aren’t your designs?†she asks. Easy, Jen: Every fashion show is about selling clothes. The shows at New York Fashion Week, that weird Boujie Kidz show included, are about showing off new collections to buyers who are going to put them in stores. Melissa’s is a little bit different — instead of showing off designs, she’s showing off the clothes that are available in her boutique — but the basic idea is the same. Like any fashion show, it is a marketing exercise, so that these wonderful women of New Jersey (and everyone at home) will see the fashions on the runway and say, “Oh, maybe I should stop into Envy.â€
Jen is just looking for reasons to insult Melissa, who didn’t even need to invite Jen to the show. But Jen takes it a step further, wondering why Melissa didn’t have any male models in the show this time. The simplest answer is that when Melissa held her last show, Envy might have been selling men’s clothes, and maybe now she’s not anymore so there are no men. (Sorry, but I have never been to Envy and have no idea what they carry other than Chanel knockoffs.) But no, Jen says that the reason there are no dudes in the show is because the guy that Melissa supposedly hooked up with in the back of a car was a model in her last fashion show. This is the problem with the show: These women are just concocting reasons why the people on the other side suck, and it’s become the most uncharitable, the most ungenerous thing on Bravo. Honestly it’s turned into an exhausting and not at all enjoyable experience.
The rest of the episode doesn’t offer much in the way of personal story lines. Melissa’s mom has a new boyfriend, which is sweet. Dolores has a dog named Dog, which is hilariously accurate. She and Marge make up over the “horrible†things Jackie told Dolores Margaret said about Dolores and Paulie. Turns out Marge was just mad they had dinner with Teresa and Luis after the last reunion and not her, and Marge said it’s probably because Paul likes Team Teresa better. Again, an overreach, because that’s not even that bad (if Margaret is to be believed).
The weirdest but also funniest of all the interludes is when Danielle takes her two kids to film a Kidz Bop music video. I hope they gave Danielle a million CDs to play in her minivan, testing the limits of both her eardrums and her mental capacity to listen to 12 third-graders sing a cleaned-up version of “Espresso.†(“I’m working late … on my homework.â€) The video seemed superfun and the little Cabrals really ate, but I don’t think that we should be out here trying to boost Kidz Bop sales, should we? I mean, next thing you know Danielle’s daughter is going to release a 12-minute extended dance-remix version of “1-877-Kars-4-Kidz.â€
Luckily the video production finishes earlier than they thought so Danielle and Nate make it to Teresa’s (half-full?) live podcast taping. Also in attendance is Dorinda Medley, identified as “Teresa’s friend.†Please put some respect on the name of one of our greatest Housewives and the all-time meme factory that is Dorinda Medley. At least use her official title, Duchess of Bluestone Manor. Let’s continue to give “Danielle’s friend†chyrons for Tiffany and Kayla, the most invisible friends-of that ever existed. When Dorinda, a visiting dignitary, gets more screen time than people nominally on the show do, then you know their shit is entirely busted.
The taping seems to be going well until everyone goes backstage and Danielle and Jen Aydin see each other for the first time since the shoving and cup-slapping heard around the world, or at least as far as Paramus. When Teresa mentions that the event is being held in a converted church, Danielle says, “I’m shocked it didn’t burn down with your ass in it.†The way Danielle says it as a statement of a fact, like she’s saying the sky is blue or Luis’s face is maraschino-cherry colored, just slays me. She didn’t need to yell, she didn’t even need a turn in the conversation, she just lobbed it out there in front of everyone.
Teresa responds by saying that she wants to fix Jen and Danielle, which Jen sees as Teresa not having her back because Jen still doesn’t think that she’s the one who started it. (Sorry, but she did.) I think it is more Teresa just trying to look after her side or trying to remain blameless by not defending either of them. Jen tells her there is no way that they’re ever going to get along and Dolores, once again doing Jupiter’s work, reminds them all that it’s Teresa’s night and she has to go back onstage and do a Q&A in just a few minutes.
Danielle gets in one more jab on her way out the door. “You look like shit, by the way,†she says to Jen. I’m sorry, this is not right, but I love it so much. Whenever Housewives greet each other at an event they say, “You look amazing.†Even at the Envy fashion show, mortal enemies Jen and Margaret tell each other they look great. It is the one way you can always force a détente between Housewives: compliments about their appearance. With this one little barb Danielle takes it all back. There will never be peace between these two because Jen looks like shit and we all know it. A+. Stellar Housewifery. Give her another season and the center Taylor ham. (That’s what they hold in the opening for New Jersey, right?)
Once Danielle is gone, Dolores and Jen start yelling at each other, but I can’t make out what they’re saying so I have no idea why either of them are angry. But it brings us back to our original question: What is going on with this friend group? Where will all of this animosity and grasping take us? I know it will lead us to ruin, which should be fun television, but this isn’t the decimation I imagined and, to be perfectly honest, I’m so glad we only have a couple episodes left in the season.
This recap has been updated to correctly attribute Danielle’s quote to her instead of Jen.