While Jenn Pedranti is busy facing eviction, Heather and Terry Dubrow begin this week’s episode gazing out at the view from their Los Angeles penthouse, trying to spot their Beverly Hills mansion in the distance. “Can you pick out our house from here? Or is that Drake’s house?†she asks. Their wealth borders on cartoonish parody, like what a child (or some of Heather’s castmates) might imagine being filthy rich is like.
Those castmates, who still live in Orange County (per the show’s title), find themselves on a Coyote Ugly–esque night out to a dive bar — or at least what a Real Housewife would consider a dive bar to be (a regular bar). But that night out quickly becomes a meeting of the Anti–Heather Dubrow Club, led by who else but Tamra Judge. The first order of business is the revelation that Katie has proof that the paparazzi photos Heather denied staging at Disneyland last year were, in fact, staged. Well, thank God we finally have answers on this — I haven’t been able to sleep all year. Katie says her friend is “in charge of all paparazzi†and said they were staged. I don’t care; I’ve gone to far less trouble to stage “candids†for Instagram.
Speaking of things I don’t care about, the second order of business at this meeting is the fact that Heather randomly tagged Katie in a selfie on Instagram, which they all seem to think is part of some kind of vast conspiracy. But could it just mean she’s bad at technology? While they all consider it to be a bizarre psychological tactic, Heather concisely clarifies that she has a social-media person and that they probably went to tag Givenchy (the dress she was wearing) but accidentally hit Katie’s last name, Ginella, after typing in Gi.
We’re in mountains-and-molehills territory here. Katie came onto the show with a grudge against Heather, which we’re being told is because she’d snubbed her at Sutton’s party. That very well may be the case, but since we didn’t actually get to see the inciting incident of this rivalry, we lack a connection to it. It almost feels like Katie was just assigned Heather as her rival upon being hired and she’s acting accordingly — so far we don’t have nearly enough groundwork to build a feud on. I can’t believe Katie has me defending the ultrarich like this; I feel like a congressman.
After the dive-bar crowd comes just short of toasting to Heather Dubrow’s takedown, they turn their attention to demolishing the establishment. They dance on the bar, take shots straight out of the liquor bottles, and spray themselves (and the entire bar) with the soda gun … all while the staff looks on in terror. Here’s hoping they left a Fancy Pants tip.
Over at Shannon’s house, we’re met with two iconic faces: Archie Beador and Vicki Gunvalson, staph infection and all. She returns to our screens telling us all about her pus, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Medical issues aside, the pair have to adapt the Tres Amigas variety show they’d been touring with Tamra into a Dos Amigas show following their falling out. It’s like Zayn leaving One Direction, Jesy Nelson leaving Little Mix, or Geri Halliwell leaving Spice Girls — except less British. But thankfully, these amigas are prepared to forge ahead as a duo. “It’ll be like Ethel and Louise,†Vicki says, Lucy and Thelma be damned.
Now, it’s important to remember that, before all else, Vicki Gunvalson is a businesswoman — so for her, Tamra’s most grievous offense here is that she’s derailing their business venture. They had an LLC! They had merchandise! A brand to think of! “She has vinegar running through her veins and a black heart,†Vicki says of Tamra during a confessional, proving she’s still one of our finest wordsmiths.
As if that financial fallout weren’t bad enough, Shannon breaks the news to Vicki that John Janssen is suing her for $75,000. Alexis Bellino apparently dates only men who sue Shannon Beador. In Vicki’s confessional (that’s right, she’s getting confessionals!), she tells us she always thought John was a bad guy but knew Shannon had to find that out for herself, citing the infamous Brooks debacle we all bore witness to. Now that she mentions it, Brooks and John both left the show with a new set of teeth, so maybe there’s something to this parallel — but at least the cancer scammer didn’t sue her. Luckily, Vicki is there for Shannon during this difficult time to cheer her up by pointing out her lopsided boobs.
While we’re still on the subject of financial fallout, Jenn’s money problems continue to be on everybody’s lips, with Gina and Emily continuing to rag on her for it in a way that’s starting to feel … kinda gross. Yes, former casita dweller Gina is justifying talking about it because it impacted her newfound real-estate empire, but Emily seems to just revel in making fun of her. It feels like these two have been at the bottom of the food chain for their entire run on the show, and now, finally, they have someone to pick on. They’re watching Jenn’s every move, unfairly criticizing her for spending money on the essentials like hair and makeup, and dragging her for going to Vegas with Ryan. But what if she won big?! This whole problem could be solved in one pull of a slot-machine lever!
But back to Katie vs. Heather. We also find out that Katie is friends with Cynthia Bailey — as we should all aspire to be — who told her that Heather was asking about Katie at what seemed to be an L.A. Housewives mixer. This is treated like some bombshell despite being an entirely normal thing to ask. But if this results in a cameo appearance from Cynthia Bailey, I can put up with the ridiculousness as a means to an end.
This all eventually comes to a head at Katie’s golf event, which she awkwardly tried to name “Drinking and Driving†in front of DUI recipient Shannon Beador until Heather suggested a tweak. But before the two go head-to-head, we’re met with a major revelation: Katie, whose entire tagline (and thus Housewives identity) is about golf … is actually bad at golf. When your tagline is a golf pun, you shouldn’t be getting bested on the green by Emily Simpson, even if she does have a new hip. To make matters worse, Tamra wastes no time snitching on Katie, telling Heather, “She says that you call the paparazzi and you tell them where you’re at all the time.†That, of course, is not at all representative of what Katie actually said, which is what makes Tamra a great Housewife.
When the pair finally come face-to-face, Heather outright denies the accusation and can’t wrap her head around why Katie is so obsessed with her. She even swears on the lives of her children that she did not call the paparazzi — and Heather Dubrow does not mess around when it comes to her children.
Then we finally see this screenshot Katie has been teasing. In it, she asks, “Did Heather Dubrow call paps to come take pics of her and her husband in public?†to which the unnamed source says “yes.†There’s no indication Heather called the source directly, as Katie claimed, and the screenshot she sent even acknowledges that this was a RHOC storyline — thus discrediting Katie’s feigned ignorance about what went on last season.
But just when I was gung ho on Heather’s side, she says those magic words that all Bravo fans expect when a reality star is confronted with a screenshot: “There are apps that can make that happen.†She doesn’t know how to tag an Instagram, yet she’s well aware of the technology available to fake texts. It’s a tough blow credibility-wise, but Heather stands firm, telling us that Katie is actually the one doing everything she’s accusing her of. And despite that quick misstep, Heather is a professional at the top of her game and makes a near-watertight case. She says she hardly knows Katie at all, and now, she says, she’s not sure she wants to. Butting heads with Heather Dubrow is tough work, but somebody’s gotta do it.