This week’s observation that West and Jesse have absolutely no personal boundaries did not happen in their bathroom — though Lexi did get in there and share a shower with Jesse Solomon (always both names). That sounds like a good kind of boundary pushing, not whatever these two bros are up to. The incident still involved Lexi, however. After a long night of sharing a bed with his paramour, Jesse arrives back in his and West’s room, pauses for a moment, and lets out the sort of loud sputtering fart that you only hear in prank videos. He says after 12 hours of holding it in, he couldn’t wait any longer. Dude, you held it in for 12 hours, it wouldn’t kill you to let it loose in the toilet? Or better yet, take it outside. Maybe the backyard could smell like Jesse’s pent-up White Claw farts instead of the boys’ day-old urine for a change.
After this exchange, I don’t ever want to hear about Jesse gassing the girls up again because, well, I think we’ve had enough of Jesse’s gas. But this episode was about the relationships that everyone in the house is fostering, and since we’re already smelling Jesse, let’s get to him and Lexi, which may be stalling out. He said he went into this weekend thinking he would end up being exclusive with her, but now he’s facing some red flags. We also learn that she’s given him a month to decide if he wants to be exclusive with her or not, so he’s working on a timetable. I think this is a good strategy. Lexi is mature enough to essentially say, “I’m only going to have sex if we’re in a relationship, and you have a deadline to decide. If you can’t, then I’m moving on and not wasting any more time.”
While the deadline is good, Lexi seems a little too in her head about things. After they spend the night together, Lexi says she’s worried that everyone keeps saying Jesse is a boob guy. I think she’s sort of misinterpreting what happened at the beach, where all the girls were talking about how big their boobs are in relation to Lindsay’s, which are now bigger than ever thanks to, you know, human biology. They’re all joking about how Jesse would like those boobs less because they know Jesse’s into boobs and more because Jesse loves to flirt with the ladies, and it’s become a kind of gag amongst them. Ciara says explicitly what I think many of the girls in the house are feeling, they like clowning with Jesse, but none of them actually harbor any sexual feelings for him, which is what allows them to be so open.
I think these relationships are going to be hard for Lexi, considering her jealousy, but I also feel for her. She talks about how, as a model, her body is always being criticized, even as its also being exalted. So many of us at home see these gorgeous people with their perfect bodies on Instagram and think they have all the confidence in the world, but Lexi is obviously insecure about her smaller breasts, probably because she’s heard, point blank, at so many castings that she doesn’t have the bodacious tatas that some campaigns are looking for. But Lexi is obviously gorgeous and her body is absolutely perfect. Jesse has a wonderful moment with her in bed when he hears about this and reassures her that he’s into her and his intentions are good. He also tells her that he’s an ass guy, which, same, just different kinds of asses. If that’s true, then great, and if it’s not, it was still the perfect thing to say. A+ for Jesse Solomon and all his names.
Another relationship that came a bit under fire is Lindsay’s relationship with her baby daddy, Casper the Friendly Ghost. Danielle is shocked to learn that the two of them don’t live together and have no plans to do so. Lindsay doesn’t think it’s a big deal, saying, “He spends every night at my house anyway.” Okay, so … why not live together? I’m with Danielle; once the baby comes, he’s going to need to be up in her apartment all the time just to help her feed and care for that bundle of rushed relationship joy. His having his own place lets him say, well, he can’t say anything because he’s a ghost. But he can spell out on the Ouija board, “Oh, I had a hard day at work. I’m gonna stay at my place tonight.” No, he is not! Lindsay has been getting up every four hours to feed and change that child, and he is taking at least one of those shifts. Danielle is right; Lindsay does not need to be “single momming it,” while this specter could cross over to the other side at any time.
The contrast between Lindsay and Carl (RIP Larl) couldn’t be starker. As Paige says, “Carl became a priest, and Lindsay is pregnant with her third child.” This comes after Carl admits to not having sex in the year since he broke up with Lindsay. I really feel for Carl, who got sober during the pandemmy, started dating Lindsay, and is now trying to date and be sober for the first time. Jesse and West, hot off their newfound fame, both tell him that he could just walk out the door and fuck any girl he wants, but poor Carl can’t figure out how to meet a girl at a club and just start making out with her. It turns out that sober Carl is a bit of a dork. I don’t mean this in a bad way. Everyone should get themselves a hot nerd for a partner. Not only are they super appreciative of the attention, but they’ll never leave you, and most of them overcompensate for their awkwardness by being extremely proficient in the sack. It’s the whole package!
Our Carl could use an intervention. The green clogs are a perfect example. They’re not hideous; in fact, they could be very stylish, and I applaud Carl for taking a risk and trying to stand out by wearing something bold. The problem is those clogs were totally wrong for that outfit and made him look silly. This is a failure of both the girls and the boys. Paige, at the very least, should have gotten right in there and told him they were a mistake and styled him better. Really, any of the girls could have and should have helped. And the boys, well, they need to take Carl out and wingman that shit, not only in helping him with better footwear choices but by carefully guiding him toward figuring out the best way to talk to women in a way that he’s comfortable with. This guy hasn’t gotten any in a year, it’s gonna take a village.
Carl should not be taking either fashion or relationship advice from newbie Imrul, who wears a pair of white sunglasses with a shade on them that is so stupid they would be laughed out of a day rave on Staten Island. He opens up to the crew about how he was in the country illegally until he got married in his 20s. I loved that he said he learned that he could no longer be sexually monogamous and could be really open about that. I hated that he discussed his immigration status so openly. Dude, there are ten ICE agents staked out in every Stop and Shop up and down the eastern seaboard. Now is the time to be keeping quiet about that shit.
Imrul brought home his second lady in a row this weekend. Crazy enough, she has the same exact name as the girl he brought home last weekend, which is Janet, Ms. I Didn’t Sign a Release So You Can’t Show My Face If You’re Nasty. I bet producers are pissed about this whole arrangement, and I can’t decide if I should be or not. He’s gone on a reality show to share his life, a big part of which is shagging. Great, and he is sharing that. But everyone else on this show has dealt with bringing people home and showing the consequences. Look at how Kyle and Amanda were treated in the early years or all the footage of Lindsay hooking up with dudes. It seems like Imrul wants to have his cake and eat out every woman who won’t sign a release too.
Finally, we need to talk about the relationship that was the most strained in this episode, and that is Kyle and Paige. They have a very easy chat on the beach where my imaginary husband Kyle has never looked better. It’s like he just finished filming a reenactment of the Top Gun volleyball scene. (Focus, Moylan. Stop thinking of sweaty, shirtless Kyle.) Anyway, Kyle apologizes for putting Paige in the middle of his stuff with Craig and Hannah and adds that the relationship he was most concerned with was his and Paige’s as well as Paige and Amanda’s. That’s as sweet as all the Loverboy “non-alc” in the world, but where was that concern when the rage text started? How do we get Kyle to this place of zen understanding and bypass the anger it takes to get there?
Paige sweetly tells him that they will never not be friends, and she will make sure of that, but I would have added a bit more of an admonition against Kyle engaging in similar behavior again in the future. Our Paige is a little too kind. We see the same thing in her dinner with Craig at the very end of the episode where they eat kangaroo kebabs like they’re at Ashley Darby’s ill-fated Australian restaurant. Of course, we all know these two are headed for a bust-up, and it becomes even more clear when Paige tells him how excited she is to move on with her career and how excited she is to be busy, but Craig still wants her to move to Charleston, birth his babies, and make him sandwiches for lunch every day. That is clearly never going to happen, and Craig is struggling with his toxic masculinity that he is the submissive one in this relationship. And he should be! Look at him! He’s a liar who lives in a pokey town and only learned to dress in the last two years. She is Paige Motherfucking DeSorbo, and a better catch does not exist either on reality television or in the world. If he’s not going to accept that and rise up to her level, well, then he deserves to be alone in a room, clutching at his neck and gasping for breath, because the room is filled with weeks and weeks of Jesse Solomon’s pent-up flatulence.