This is the way Temptation Island ends: Not with a bang (or, in Brion’s case, multiple bangs), but with a whimper. After the climax (badum, tsk) of episodes four through seven, the men seem to have found capacity in their hearts for introspection, so they stop vigorously thrusting into every girl that looks at them sideways. But the result of this means that this final batch of episodes feels pretty much like one long waiting room until the final bonfires. And when those meet-ups do happen, fans are left feeling like an exhausted mother confronted with a mess in the kitchen: Not mad, but disappointed. Let’s get into it.
Amiah pulls Brion aside to decline his date. In the last episode, he insulted her for not wanting to talk about rough sex, and on top of all that, she doesn’t really respect him for cheating on his girlfriend. I really respect this play — what’s the point in going out for frozen yogurt with a man who just wants to use you as a mirror for his own problems? As a result, there are a couple of shots of Brion alone eating a very sad Icee. It’s what he deserves.
The rest of the couples head out on their dates, where there’s a whole lot of making out. Ashley and Danny at a pottery wheel! Tayler and Yamen underneath a waterfall! Grant and Natalie near a beach! Kay and Tayler on a beach! Every day, we get closer to a mouth herpes outbreak taking down this entire show. Perhaps the most surprising moment on these dates comes when Grant wonders whether or not he’ll introduce Natalie to his daughter after the show. Excuse me? You’ve only ever introduced your daughter to two women, and the third will be … a 22-year-old you once took to a place called the “Temptation Haven”? When she was invited to take part in a two-week, filmed vacation, I’m not sure Natalie envisioned becoming a stepmother at the end of it.
It’s time for the final bonfire … before the final bonfire. Alexa remains steadfast in her love for her boyfriend, Ashley and Tayler remain steadfast in their hatred for their boyfriends, and Shante remains as confused as ever. When Shante watches Amiah turn down Brion, she’s disgusted by her boyfriend’s behavior. But, as he’s wont to do, Mark L. Walberg clocks her tea, asking her if she’ll have the same strength when Brion’s back in front of her. Spoiler alert: she won’t.
During the boys’ bonfire, Tyler and Grant get pissy upon seeing their girlfriends make out with other men, as if they haven’t been doing the same thing for the last two weeks. Meanwhile, things start to become clearer for Brion: He opens up about his rough childhood dealing with addiction, foster care, and abuse, explaining that he’s been seeking validation from other women. This absolutely helps put his actions into perspective, but it’s unfortunate that he had to embarrass his girlfriend on international television to come to that conclusion. However, the biggest surprise comes when Lino determines, in the most garishly colorful shirt I’ve ever seen, that he’s going to propose to Alexa! Yay! We love love!
It’s time for the final dates, and the singles asked to them are (mostly) no surprise: Yamen, Hashim, Danny, and Gio for the boys, and Natalie, Kay, Amiah, and someone named Nikki for the girls. Since we’ve never seen Nikki before, her final date with Lino is pretty much just planning his engagement with another woman. How fun for her.
The dates consist of whatever activities their tour company hasn’t already done on this show, plus an AirBnb villa rental for one night. There aren’t cameras in these bedrooms, but the fear of being caught in 4K didn’t stop these boys before, so why would it now? Some highlights from these dates include Hashim (unsuccessfully) trying to convince Shante not to immediately forgive Brion, Yamen, and Tayler sharing some steamy-hot pool makeouts, Ashley and Danny sharing some steamy-hot shower makeouts, Tyler and Kay sharing some steamy hot tub makeouts, Natalie and Grant eat mangoes as their final date, then go into yet another tent (Did production forget to budget for them?), and Amiah forcing Brion to sleep on an air mattress. These two ended up having some good banter, so I guess his goal of being platonically friends with women was achieved in the end?
After the final dates, the boys and girls meet for one final time. Brion is ready to apologize, Tyler is going to break it off, Lino is going to propose (hopefully not in that knit tank top), and, of course, Grant doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. Some things never change!
First to the final bonfire is Shante, who’s wearing the revenge dress to end all revenge dresses. Unfortunately, this sentiment is watered down by the fact that she immediately hugs Brion as he cries about his threesome. Mark L. Walberg explains the rules: First, each person can share their uninterrupted sentiments, then they can have a back-and-forth, and then decide the future of their relationship. This is the first of four times you’ll have to hear Mark L. Walberg say this.
Brion and Shante start off by saying what we already know: Shante’s hurt and Brion’s sorry. She then asks if he crossed any other lines besides the threesome, and he says no. Excuse me, what about calling Amiah “weird” because she didn’t want to discuss your love of rough sex? That’s weird to me! Later on, Mark prompts Brion to bring up what he learned from his childhood. No matter the outcome of his relationship with Shante, this is one good thing: Brion realizes that he needs a proper therapist, not just the unlicensed Mark L. Walberg. (Sorry, Mark!)
When it comes time to decide, Shante teeters off into the grass on the tiniest high heels and talks to a producer. When she comes back, Shante seemingly wants to be single, saying she needs to choose herself. However, when confronted with Brion’s layered apologies and man-tears, Shante folds. She’s leaving the island with him. After hearing her half-hearted rebukes at the previous bonfires, this is what we — and Brion — knew would happen all along. He can give into temptation and get away with it.
The beauty of Temptation Island is that adulterers are supposed to get their just desserts. Your every move is captured by hundreds of cameras. If you mess up, your partner will see it and immediately have the opportunity to take revenge with someone new. But in Shante and Brion’s case, that didn’t happen. Shante went on Temptation Island to see if her partner was truly faithful and chose to stick her head in the sand when she learned that he wasn’t. It’s a deviation from the natural order of Temptation Island, which is why this ending is particularly disappointing.
Luckily, the next two couples follow the formula to a tee. Next up are Tayler and Tyler, who social distance from each other like it’s March 2020. Tayler has prepared a memorandum of every way Tyler has messed up. Tyler, meanwhile, is stuck on the fact that Tayler said that he has “bitch tendencies” and uses it as his excuse to make out with Kay all over the island. In this environment, it’s more clear than ever that their differences are fundamental: He’s not ready to get another job, while she desperately needs stability. He wants someone soft and supportive, while she’s the master of tough love. She’s found her confidence in herself; he’s found his confidence in someone else. Tayler chooses to leave alone, while Tyler opts to bring Kay with him. It’s reflective of exactly who they are.
Then it’s time for Grant, who is rightfully “scared shitless” of this conversation, and Ashley, who would literally rather be anywhere else other than here. Grant uses Ashley’s words as his excuse to cheat but laughably forgives her; in response, Ashley metaphorically body slams him into the wooden bleachers, calling him a “serial cheater” who couldn’t even be faithful for three business days. As Ashley points out, their relationship was over the moment they separated, so this conversation is relatively short: They’re better off apart than they are together.
However, Grant has a surprisingly insightful moment when he chooses to leave the island alone rather than take off with 22-year-old Natalie; he needs time to be alone for a while. This is the right call: Don’t let the viewers — and especially his daughter — have expectations that they’ll be a couple post-show. Meanwhile, Ashley whisks her 22-year-old, Danny, off for some more island smooches. Hey — it’s not like she has a kid! Perfect Match season three, here she comes!
Finally, the Lino-Alexa engagement has come to lift our spirits from this sad, sad finale. Harry Styles Lookalike Contest Fourth-Placer Lino enters with his shirt unbuttoned and a pearl necklace on. When they see each other, Lino and Alexa immediately hug and kiss and tell each other that they’ve gotten over their respective insecurities. Obviously, they choose to leave the island together, but … where’s the engagement? Naturally, it’s next to the parking lot, where producers have hidden thousands of flowers and candles!
Lino gives the speech that he practiced on Nikki. Alexa says yes and cries. Amid a somewhat soft ending, Lino and Alexa remind us that it only takes 24 sexy singles to find the One. And isn’t that what Temptation Island is all about?