The year? 2023. The location? London. A hotel room full of women lounging on couches. Suddenly, a silent bomb goes off. Their countenances morph into expressions of intense distress. Tears silently slide down their cheeks. Someone wails in the background. Another runs off, pleas to stay left unheard. The women — save for one brave soul — begin to avoid a certain hotel room for fear of contamination.
Is this The Last of Us? No, it’s The Bachelor.
“___ has tested positive for COVID†are words that each and every one of us have heard many times over the past three years. Yet, when they’re said on The Bachelor, it’s like the pandemic has begun anew. Reactions this explosive haven’t been seen since March 2020. Charity’s one-on-one? Canceled! The group date? A shell of what it should have been. But we’ve rented out the Park Plaza Westminster Bridge for one week and one week only, so we must persist. We must complete this farce of a virtual cocktail party, this charade of a virtual rose ceremony.
Does this episode deserve four out of five stars? Probably not. But did watching Zach send women home via a giant TV screen provide me with the most laughs I’ve had in a long time? Absolutely! Let’s get into it.
The contestants land in London, and Zach kicks off our cringe count early when he launches into a “Pip pip, cheerio!†But I’ll admit it: At this point, I’m kind of warming up to Zach. I’m sorry, The Bachelor’s Sean Lowe propaganda has worked on me! He’s cringe and embraces it! He really wants a best friend! He’s just a guy who likes family, football, and frozen pizzas! Help, I’ve officially been Stockholm Syndromed.
There are only 11 contestants left, and when did that happen? By the time the first one-on-one rolls around, we’ve heard at least nine poorly executed British accents, and Zach admits he’s already checked out a couple of pubs, which is probably where he got COVID in the first place. Greer says she really wants this one-on-one because she really likes tea; in fact, she likes it so much she has an extremely blurry tattoo of a cup of tea on her arm (more on this later). Naturally, she does not get the one-on-one, and it goes to maple-syrup-lover and shellfish-avoider Gabi.
Gabi’s one-on-one is the British version of the classic Pretty Woman date. Gabi and Zach get picked up in a Rolls-Royce with a built-in Champagne cooler! She tries on fancy gowns! They smell what Winston Churchill smelled like! This date is truly like winning the Bachelor lottery. Brooklyn got sprayed in mud last week, while Gabi gets to test-drive a 100-year-old tiara. This makes it all the more ironic when Greer later says that this date would have “matched her personality,†because yeah, whose personality wouldn’t it have matched?
But this extra-special date comes with the required walk of shame back into the hotel room alongside a seemingly endless number of shopping bags. The girlies are frothing at the mouth, which is what the producers wanted. With each new pair of diamond earrings or Jimmy Choos that’s opened, a new vein forms in Greer’s head. But all really goes to hell when a fresh date card is delivered alongside Gabi’s Cinderella gown. When she walks out crying, Gabi quickly says, “I don’t mean to be braggy!†Gabi, you’ve been unboxing cashmere sweaters for the last half an hour — just embrace the braggy.
Charity is now comforting Greer as she cries in the hallway. Greer explains that this would have been the perfect date for her (and her “Keep Calm and Carry Onâ€â€“like tattoo) because her family comes together through tea. I have to note that tea was involved in this date for, like, half a second in between cuddling corgis, and, sorry, Greer, it’s not exactly an uncommon drink! Nevertheless, as Charity reminds her that everyone would have liked this date, Gabi comes barreling through with her thousands of bags and tells Greer that all this crying is blocking the doorway to her hotel room. Gabi has the second part of her date to get to, and her gown can’t be stained by tears!
During the dinner, Gabi explains that this date meant a lot to her as she’s struggled with body-image issues in the past, and Zach made her feel beautiful without a mirror. She gets the rose, and they dance to a jazzy version of “Can’t Help Falling in Love.†I’m calling it right now: If she wins, her Instagram caption will read, “My king†with a crown emoji. Mark my words!
The next day, it’s time for the group date, but there’s only one problem: Zach, the subject of this group date, isn’t there. A butler announces that he’s feeling under the weather, and there’s a whole bunch of shots of Zach blowing his nose to punctuate this point. But, to take up airtime, the girls still have to go on the group date. Hooray!
Cut to: The women depressed on a double-decker bus. The women distraught during the bagpipe serenade. Even a sponsored pint won’t cheer them up. They just don’t know what to do! What’s The Bachelor without the bachelor? Is it just The??? Fortunately, a local bartender who is absolutely not a paid actor perks them up by asking about Zach, and they start to have some fun. They stuff themselves into a phone booth! They twerk for the King’s Guard! A definite plus of this drama-free season is that the girls can just act goofy and be themselves, and it doesn’t feel at all unnatural.
Unfortunately, they’re brought back to earth when another butler tells them that Zach’s still too sick to join them for the night portion of the group date. The ridiculous B-roll has now moved on to include Zach sipping out of a tiny mug and writing in a massive journal. At least we’re done with the shots of him showering!
The next morning, Jesse tells the girls what we all already knew: Zach has COVID. Poor Charity’s one-on-one is canceled, and producers are trying to figure out what to do since they have to vacate the premises before the Women in Cybersecurity conference takes over the Park Plaza Westminster Bridge this Thursday. But while the rest of the women are busy acting as if Zach is on his deathbed, Kaity is focused on the game. In an absolutely winning play, she makes Zach a gift basket with London-themed tchotchkes, and the two chat through the door while producers flash back to their greatest hits. THIS IS HOW YOU WIN THE GAME OF ROSES, PEOPLE!! At the end of this little segment, Zach grabs the basket from the hallway, and his disembodied hand looks like Thing from Wednesday.
Zach vlogs from his room that he’s feeling better and tells us that, despite, you know, the mandatory quarantine, he needs to see the women. This brings up a key problem, namely, how will Zach make out with them over Zoom?? What are they going to do? Talk?? I’m pretty sure there are a few women he hasn’t spoken more than four words to; they’ve just made out in various exotic locations!!
That’s right: Zach is doing a virtual cocktail party. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t stop laughing throughout this entire segment. Are there going to be breakout rooms?? Girls virtually busting in and saying, “Can I steal you for a sec?†Unfortunately, a “virtual cocktail party†actually just means the girls take turns with an iPad like toddlers whose mother is regulating their screen time. But I still have so, so many questions. Do producers tell them to leave via the chat function? What if the screen lags? Does that eat up their time? And why didn’t anyone put Zach in a cat filter or something equally insane?? And, in case you were worried, Zach does find ways to virtually kiss both Kat and Aly. You won’t stop him!!!
But, once again, everything veers off course when we get to Greer. After talking about how Zach’s feeling, Greer says she can relate because she got COVID at the end of a sales quarter. Clearly, days of quarantine have taken a toll on our normally good-tempered bachelor, as Zach immediately tells her that finding a wife and trying to hit a sales goal are two extremely different things. Greer starts rambling, and this whole thing is made just so much more awkward over Zoom. I really do think Greer was just trying to relate to him, but even before the whole, you know, defending blackface, she came off poorly in the premiere when she bragged that her parents and both sets of grandparents are still together — as if that has anything to do with Greer herself. This girl has a case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, and it’s terminal!!
Now it’s time for the virtual rose ceremony. Yes, you read that right. I’m sorry, but can you imagine the sheer embarrassment of being sent home via Zoom call? You don’t even get the dignity of a hug good-bye; Instead, you just have to watch Zach staring ominously from a giant screen like George Lopez in Sharkboy and Lavagirl. This whole thing just reminds me of the funniest, weirdest parts of 2020 — there’s a tiny recording button flashing in the corner of Zach’s screen, and everyone keeps giggling while attempting to give him air hugs. Nevertheless, Kaity, Charity, Aly, Kat, Brooklyn, Jess, Ariel, and Greer get roses, meaning Mercedes and Kylee are heading home. The drama curse has come for Kylee; watch out, Greer!
Time for the mid-season trailer. Not only does Charity finally get her one-on-one, but Zach seemingly sleeps with Brooklyn, and not during the fantasy suites?? Maybe there’s hope for this season yet!
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