And then there were two. With Era I getting killed off one by one in the dead of night, Battle of the Eras is starting to feel like an Agatha Christie mystery. Derrick, small but scrappy, is Inspector Poirot after three too many pints at the village tavern. Ryan is the coquettish maid with a hidden agenda. And Laurel is the cranky old matriarch complaining about the egregious taxes on game-show earnings.
With ride-or-dies Derek and Averey serving as targets for Eras II and III, it’s evident that their teams will work together in whatever way they can in the upcoming daily. Derrick takes this opportunity to scheme with Theo, and Theo agrees that if Era IV wins and Era I manages not to lose (let’s be real: unlikely), he and Jenny will pit those two powerful teams against each other.
This week’s daily challenge is brought to us by the upcoming film Gladiator II in one big, wet, Paramount corporate synergy orgy. I miss when the challenges were sponsored by Burger King and the producers would have to coerce the cast into acting like winning some soggy chicken nuggets was as exciting as a custom Aston Martin.
The challenge is called “Battle for Honor†and is played in a girls’ heat and a guys’ heat. Each player is equipped with a giant SWAT team shield that they’ll use to smash into their opponents, pushing them off a platform and into the water. At the end of the 20-minute rounds, whichever Era has the most players left standing between both heats combined wins.
In a confessional, someone convinces Averey to say, “In the movie Gladiator, teamwork makes the dream work,†which an entry-level Paramount employee is writing up in a recap email to their boss being like, “We’re so pleased with the cast’s organic enthusiasm for the franchise, thereby driving consumer affinity!â€
The gentlemen go first, and lone-wolf Derrick quickly separates himself from the pack of testosterone, avoiding contact on the outskirts of the platform. And contact there is. This game is violent as fuck — Jordan gets knocked to the ground and his face splits open like a pomegranate. Bananas is the first to take the tumble into the water, undoubtedly bruising his gladiator-size ego.
Cory comes for Derrick, eliminating Era I from the competition, as expected. With a few minutes left, Era IV has gained the lead; Kyland, Theo, and Josh are still in the game, while only Devin and Cory remain for Era II. The men pause their combat. Devin tells Cory to make a deal with Theo and promise him safety if he lets them win, but Theo declines since he doesn’t want to renege on his promise to Derrick. This whole awkward cease-fire reminds me of when you’re mid-battle in a video game and your character is about to die, so you pause and pound a bunch of sandwiches to replenish your health — like, did the mountain troll you were fighting make a gentlemen’s agreement to take five while you chow down on a BLT?
Right after Theo rejects the deal, Cory bum-rushes him. When Theo is unable to get off the ground in a certain amount of time, he’s disqualified, which is funny because when they started playing, my immediate thought was that my strategy would be to sit on the floor with my shield covering my face. Apparently, that would not have flown.
When T.J.’s horn goes off, both Eras III and IV have two players left. Off the field, Cory and Derrick get into it, and Cory claims that he “showed mercy†to Derrick by not hitting him as hard as he could have. Derrick cordially invites Cory to fight him, shouting, “I’ll fuck you up any day,†before throwing his life jacket at him.
When the women’s heat begins, Nia tries to go for Kaycee, which is a mistake. Nia lands in the water, and her teammate and target, Averey, is not long for this game, either — she says her main concern is protecting her face from getting smashed like a piñata since it’s her primary source of income. You can’t rep Hooters with a busted nose! Or honestly, maybe you could, so long as you didn’t also pop an implant.
When the game ends, Era IV takes the cake, with six of their seven players surviving, putting Jenny and Theo in power. But as much as they would like to save Derrick and Rachel, they can’t because Era I would need divine intervention to avoid last place. Instead, they have to choose between Era II’s Cara and Derek and Era III’s Cory and Averey.
In the Chamber, Cory and Averey deploy a classic good-cop-bad-cop routine. To start, Averey diplomatically positions this scenario as an opportunity for Jenny to break bread after saying Cory’s name in the past, kind of like when a boss tells you that doing their work for them is an “opportunity†for you to show leadership potential. Cory then comes in, guns blazing, and basically says, “Do my expense reports for me or you’re fired.â€
When it’s time for the losers’ corner, Derrick explains that he thinks Rachel will have better odds against Averey than Cara, which he calls playing an “I don’t give a fuck game.†He tells a heated Cory that if he can’t “beat a three-legged dog,†he doesn’t deserve to be here, essentially sacrificing his ailing body for the sake of his teammate’s chance of survival.
Theo is clearly a little rattled by Cory’s threats, especially knowing the likelihood that he returns to the house is high, so he and Jenny devise a plan to hold a fake “team vote†that they’ll puppeteer to get the result they want while simultaneously dispersing the blame and responsibility across the rest of their Era. It’s a 5-2 vote for Cory and Averey, with only Kyland and Michele seeing the value in strengthening ties with Era III, which is much more likely to consider saving them in the future than Era II.
Even though everyone knows this “vote†is shammier than the Home Goods pillow aisle, Theo and Jenny are still successful in creating political chaos. Devin worries that Josh and Kaycee aren’t trustworthy allies because they’re so quick to abandon ship in favor of following numbers. Cory, who at this point has smoke billowing out of every orifice, flips out on Josh, who’s just betrayed him for the second time. Josh, of course, maintains that he did nothing wrong since Theo “wouldn’t have changed his mind anyway.†Way to give it the old college try for your boy, Josh.
When the challengers arrive at the arena, there’s a boxing ring in the center of the floor. No puzzles today, people! T.J. informs the clan that tonight’s elimination challenge is also Gladiator IIvinspired. A lotta bang for their buck here.
The game is called “Fate of the Gladiators.†One player will be the striker, equipped with boxing gloves but handicapped by a blindfold. The other player, the evader, is dressed in a suit of armor adorned with bells, squeaky shoes, and little white targets all over their body that explode into dust when hit. At first glance, I was convinced the targets were actually heads of garlic and that the striker would have to use their sense of smell to locate the evader. MTV can call me if they ever want a game-design consultant.
Each player gets a turn being the striker, and whoever pops more garlic targets faster within the five-minute round wins. The ladies go first, with Rachel as the striker. Averey has no strategy for evasion and basically stands still against the ropes while Rachel punches her in the face over and over again. Cara calls the matchup “brutal to watch,†and T.J. looks on like a disappointed guitar teacher when you show up to your lesson without having practiced your “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door†chords.
When they switch places, Rachel starts running around the ring like Sonic the Hedgehog, the way the game is meant to be played. Averey puts up a good fight and, by using a swiping motion versus a targeted punch, is able to pop multiple targets in one go. Even though it isn’t formally announced at the end of the game, it’s pretty clear that Rachel has the win locked up.
Cory versus Derrick is the grand finale we’ve been waiting for. Cory is vibrating with rage and calls out Derrick ahead of the challenge for throwing his life vest at him after the daily when his back was turned. Jordan chimes in from the stands, yelling, “Be a man, do it to someone’s face.†Derrick, like the rest of us, can’t believe that a jacket lightly grazing someone’s back is even a topic of discussion.
With Derrick starting as the evader, it initially looks as though he might have success in outsmarting Cory’s attempted blows, but once Cory makes contact, it’s basically all over. Derrick’s too injured to run, and Cory is too angry to lose. When the five minutes are up, Derrick immediately takes a knee; but if there’s one thing we know about Derrick, it’s that he’ll always rise from the ashes like a phoenix, even when that phoenix has no wings, a broken talon, and a ZYN addiction.
As the striker, Derrick gives Cory a serious run for his money, popping targets in bursts of fury. Cory knocks him over multiple times, but Derrick will not have a Colby Donaldson end to his story. When the horn sounds and red target dust is everywhere, it’s not clear which guy has won.
Putting their life-jacket feud aside in the name of athletic greatness, Cory and Derrick hug it out. Cory tells Derrick that he respects the heart he brings to the game and that it was a “pleasure†playing against him, to which Derrick replies, “Thank you for the opportunity.†This earnest interaction made me laugh out loud — why do they sound like two corporate boybosses who just invested in Lumi?
T.J. announces that Averey missed six targets, while Rachel didn’t miss any, making Rachel the clear winner. Era I will live to die another day. Both guys scored all of their targets, but Cory did it faster. Derrick, a true legend, is sent packing despite the underdog performance of a lifetime.
When it comes to picking targets, Kaycee and Tori volunteer for the women, with Laurel getting chosen by Cory, in spite of Bananas whispering, “Don’t volunteer!†over and over again. Kyland takes the target for Era I; Devin breaks his “never self-nominate†rule for Era III; and Ryan finally steps up to the plate for Era II, announcing that “Daddy’s ready.â€