Those shots of a sloth, a toucan, a monkey, a waterfall, and another monkey — or possibly the same monkey, apologies if so — can only mean one thing: We’re in Costa Rica, baby. Specifically, Fantasy Suites Week has whisked us away to Arenal, famed for its volcano and also famed for the fact that I went there for spring break in 2011, and my pals and I went to a hot-springs spot that had a waterslide, and my friend Anna banged her head going down it so bad that she needed stitches. (She’s fine! Hi, Anna!)
This is all to say that Arenal is a very sexy place.
Jesse Palmer is on hand to raise the central question of this episode and, arguably, of the entire season. Do older people still fuck? Okay, that isn’t his exact language, but “fuck†somehow still sounds less crude to me than “knock boots,†truly a top-five weirdest euphemism for sex.
Our intrepid host needs to know: Exactly what sort of fantasies are in store for the first Golden Bachelor on these notorious overnight dates? Jesse straight-up makes me laugh with his delivery when he asks Gerry how important “intimacy†is to him, and Gerry, in turn, asks him to define the word, and he just quietly goes, “… sexual?†before trailing off. The Gatch says he’s less focused on the opportunity for physical intimacy than on the chance for private, off-camera pillow talk that’ll allow him to ask “difficult questions†and really get to know these women. But is The Golden Bachelor — showing a shirtless Gerry sitting in one of a pair of outdoor bathtubs, admiring the tropical view — above a Cialis joke? Of course, The Golden Bachelor is not above a Cialis joke.
But who will be Gerry’s twin bathtub flame? Well, he’s in love with both of the remaining women for different reasons. (Although, at this point, he has still “cautiously and maybe mistakenly held back†from saying I love you back to Theresa. My God. If anything, we should be celebrating the fact that there is at least one woman of retirement age in America you haven’t declared your love for.) Leslie is adventurous, playful, and funny. “The onion has been peeled back, and every layer has been a different color,†he says, which is sweet but does make me think that Gerry should perhaps rethink how long he’s holding on to onions past their best-by date. Theresa, on the other hand, makes him feel safe and warm, in part thanks to their similar personal histories of having lost a beloved spouse.
For their date, Leslie, who does not care for heights, is compelled to rappel down a 170-foot cliff next to a waterfall because, of course, we can’t just let this woman enjoy a cocktail on the beach, no carabiners in sight, and instead must stage a personal mini Fear Factor for her to endure. “Uh-oh,†Leslie says repeatedly, but they make it down together and embrace amid the waterfall’s spray and resulting poor ambient sound quality.
They enjoy a romantic dinner together beneath what I am pretty sure are Gottorp pendant lampshades from IKEA. She asks him when he last had sex. It’s been a “long time†for him, a year for her. Throughout both dates, Gerry remains fixated on “hard questions,†particularly those that might be easier to tackle in private, which go maddeningly unspecified. Is he out to find out their credit histories? Social Security numbers? Their blood types, and if he can have some? Or are we all just jointly working through a linear algebra problem set?
He does, however, ask her on-camera where she thinks they would live, which strikes me as a critical issue to resolve. She doesn’t want to leave Minneapolis (or her family who resides there) permanently. Maybe they could be “not bicoastal, but bi-midwestern.†Whatever, they’ll “figure it out!†I dare say that would not be reassurance enough for me, but it works for Gerry.
Leslie describes wishing every birthday that, come next year, she won’t be alone. She’s not afraid to commit to Gerry, but she’s nervous about the possible heartache ahead if he doesn’t choose her back.
They retire together to the Fantasy Suite, where they giggle about setting the thermostat to 69 degrees, and he yet again invokes Trista’s advice to find “the woman you can’t live without.†(I think the OG Bachelorette has a compelling case for a producer credit this season on the strength of this off-camera quote alone.) “I think you’re the one,†he tells Leslie. “I think you’re that one.†And so Gerry continues to un-slow his romantic roll: Have you ever heard of underpromising and overdelivering, my guy? Anyway, he opens his eyes while they make out.
The next morning, The Golden Bachelor proves to be much more discreet about the previous night’s events than the usual seasons are — this isn’t Four Times in a Windmill territory. That said, Gerry reports that their relationship “significantly improved†as a result of their “awesomely great†conversation and that he “saw more of her, a lot more.†Like … her butt? They rub their feet on each other, and he grabs the back of her head when he kisses her good-bye like he’s palming a basketball. She tells the camera that their bond feels comfortable, like an “old shoe,†which is not the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard, but also, I guess, not the least.
As someone who, to put it generously, does not do well when my sleep is compromised, I can confidently identify Gerry as a kindred spirit in this regard. He’s already mentioned that he and Leslie were up till around 3 a.m. when it is — genuinely shockingly, at least to me! — revealed that he’s off on his overnight date with Theresa the same day he woke up with Leslie. At least back in Andi Dorfman’s time, the Fantasy Suites used to be spread out over two weeks! This feels like an OSHA violation!
When he meets up with Theresa, Gerry acts the same way I do when I’m overtired, which is to say he projects a general aura of being the smallest negative stimulus away from yelling or crying or possibly both at the same time. He and Theresa ride horses, set to an ominous score, and the vibe is way, way off. She clocks that he’s being weirdly quiet and asks if he’s okay. This is the worst mood we’ve seen the Gatch in, as his compartmentalization skills fail him — he tells the camera he’s preoccupied thinking about Leslie and frustrated that he can’t be in the moment with Theresa. Someone, please, let this man take a nap, or else I’m calling the embassy.
By the time they dine together under a different set of IKEA lampshades (hello, Torared), he’s worried his relationship with Theresa may have “maxed out.†But then he asks about her career. (Hard! Questions!) She explains the genuinely impressive trajectory that led her from being a homemaker to a successful financial professional. This is, apparently, boomer catnip. He seems almost starstruck to be in the presence of “someone who’s really got their shit together.†Theresa shares that she hasn’t been with another man since her husband passed, and it’s an “extremely important†decision for her — but that she’s a hard “yes†on the Fantasy Suite situation, thanks in advance.
The next morning, Gerry is a man transformed. So much has changed, he says — he finally (“finallyâ€) told her that he loved her, for one thing. They smooch more or less continuously, and he keeps staring at her very meaningfully with wide eyes like she’s his spades partner and he’s trying to telepathically communicate the contents of his hand to her. “Everything [Theresa] said was a revelation, and it was pretty awesome,†the Gatch gushes, and today “feels like the first day of the rest of my life.â€
I have zero interest in prying into the physical side of Gerry and Theresa’s time together, but — come on, what did she say?! What did they talk about?! Share these dramatic revelations with the whole class, please!
At this rate, there’s no telling exactly where Gerry’s unpredictably glitchy GPS navigation system of a heart will lead him. Still, I’ll say this: My impression of his current feelings for Theresa is that they’ve advanced somewhat beyond “old shoe†status.
The Golden Bachelor is taking Thanksgiving Eve off — so that we may express our gratitude for, among other things, Natascha’s incredible chair earrings, which I was remiss not to give a shout-out last week — and then we’ll be back together two weeks from tonight for the finale. Miss you already! In the meantime, has anybody got eyes on Neil Lane?