The “Previously On†segment before this episode shows a clip of Kris crying at the thought of using a walker post–hip replacement, so naturally the episode proper kicks off with her mom, MJ, strolling in with — you guessed it — a walker. And honestly, Kris has nothing to worry about. Rocking a black Newsies cap and an oversize orange turtleneck (a sweater from Build-A-Bear would be oversize on MJ), she is the embodiment of glamour and style.
Kim, freshly back from Milan, decides that it’s as good a time as any to tell her grandmother that she and Pete had sex in front of the fireplace at the Beverly Hills Hotel in her honor, since MJ has apparently always spoken highly of fireplace sex. Surely so desensitized to everything at this point, MJ’s one concern was that it wasn’t in the lobby. (It was not.) Speaking of Pete, he calls in ahead of his planned trip to space, but the whole topic is a little anticlimactic since we know the trip ended up getting canceled.
Kris goes to the doctor to finally get her hip sorted out, and he immediately asks if it’s okay for him to take his mask off, which seems like a weird thing for a doctor to ask unless he’s a little too eager to be on-camera. He tells Kris that she needs to get a hip replacement, but while singing the procedure’s praises, he makes the mistake of confessing that she will in fact have to use a walker post-surgery, making Kris shudder in horror. “We’ll make sure nobody films it,†he says, and I just want to know what kind of quack doctor would try to interfere with great television in the making like this?
Back at the house, Kris tells Kim, Khloé, and MJ about the hip plan — and grapples with the fact that she’s getting older (allegedly). In a confessional, Kim says that Kris used to have a jar of marbles with each marble representing how many Christmases she has left, which is haunting. Just picture Kris taking out a marble from her life jar every December 26. Wait, is that why Khloé kept those big jars of Oreos on her counter?
What’s really remarkable is watching them all discuss Kris’s mortality as if she’s at death’s door. She’s 66 years old, and she’s on track to outlive us all. MJ’s still kicking and practically rolling her eyes at this whole conversation.
But do you know what will cheer Kris up? Hanging out with a famous person. So Martha Stewart comes over for lunch just in the nick of time. “Martha fucking Stewart! Can you guys believe it?!†Kris tells us. And, yeah, I actually can believe it — the likes of Ariana Grande, Jennifer Lawrence, and Cher appeared on Keeping Up, so Stewart popping by for lunch doesn’t really feel out of the realm of possibility here. However, what we do have to suspend our disbelief for is the reason why she’s there. Obviously, it’s because Kris wants to buy Khloé a peacock as a housewarming gift, and Stewart owns peacocks. So who better to advise her?
Stewart, with the enthusiasm of someone who made sure the check cleared before getting out of the car, takes a tour around Kris’s house and hears all about the hip-replacement saga. Being the worldly woman she is, Stewart has of course had a hip replacement of her own. “You did?†Kris asks in disbelief, shocked that this 81-year-old woman before her just so happened to have had a hip replacement. Stewart highly recommends the procedure, which probably gives Kris more peace than any comforting words from her family or doctors would.
The duo surprise Khloé, who is perplexed by both the presence of Martha Stewart and this whole peacock idea. Nonetheless, she’s thrilled to have lunch with Stewart, who quickly tries to figure out who Khloé is. “I don’t read and watch all the stuff, so do you have a husband?†she asks, getting the CliffsNotes on Tristan before giving Khloé some peacock pics.
In a fascinating move, season two of the show is covering season one’s release and press campaign. Will season three cover season two’s release? And so forth? The model sets them up for an infinite cycle of material to cover, and eventually they could shoot the entire season backstage at Jimmy Kimmel Live! This week, we follow the women to their now-infamous cover shoot for Variety, from which the “Get your fucking ass up and work†quote was born.
We’ve seen the video a million times, but this time we’re seeing it from the angle of Hulu’s camera instead of Variety’s. It’s like when a biopic re-creates a famous, recognizable moment and it sort of looks the same but is just a little off. Variety’s Elizabeth Wagmeister is conducting the interview, and she has been present for the birth of many a meme, lest we forget her role in Wendy Williams’s iconic “Death! To all of them!â€
In addition to telling everyone to work, the interview also covers the long-held notion that they’re famous for being famous, which they dismiss. “Lucky us,†Kim says. “We don’t have to sing, dance — we get to just live our lives,†which is “Jam (Turn It Up)†erasure. Kris expands upon this in a confessional, particularly as it pertains to questions about their talent, saying that nobody would ask Jeff Bezos if he could dance or sing. She’s right, because nobody wants their eyes and ears to start bleeding.
Now, if you thought the peacock saga was over just because we moved on to more serious matters, you’re sadly mistaken. This story line feels less like the docuseries vibe they’ve tried to establish with the Hulu show and instead feels much more like the more produced antics of Keeping Up. But I’m not complaining; sometimes an episode just needs a manufactured field trip. And this week it’s to a peacock farm, though you probably can’t tell based on the red latex trench coat Kris is wearing for the outing.
After getting into the car with a ladder because of her hip, Kris tells Khloé that her eye doctor suggested she get a lift because of her heavy eyelids, thus continuing the family tradition of Kris getting work done before her daughters’ weddings. Interestingly, we get a very different reaction from Kris when her doctor prescribes the eye lift, as opposed to a hip replacement. One surgery she’s sobbing; the other, she’s jumping for joy (not literally, of course, on account of her bad hip).
Much like me trying to watch The Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip, the conversation then turns to peacock. Kris starts asking questions about this mythical peacock named Petey that Khloé supposedly owned before she butts in to clarify that she did not in fact own a peacock and that Petey was just a wild peacock that would wander into her yard. I can’t believe it. This whole episode was built on a lie!
But they’re already en route to the peacock farm, where Javier is trying his darndest to sell these damn birds, lying that the screeches are a beautiful sound to hear in the evenings and that it’s a great idea to buy two. Sure, it is, Javier. He takes out one of the birds, and in a flash the thing takes off, sending Khloé screaming and running after it. She’s mortified and profusely apologizing for losing Javier’s bird, but it doesn’t seem like Khloé’s really at fault — the peacock just made a break for it, Chicken Run style.
Finally, amid the peacock jailbreak, some sense is spoken. “You just wanted a reason to have Martha Stewart over for lunch,†Khloé says. So naturally they left the farm empty-handed.
Meanwhile, Kendall has found herself a new story line: flipping houses. She is teaming up with her friend Fai Khadra on the project, which she was inspired to embark upon after having the time of her life renovating her own house. They say money can’t buy happiness, but if renovations are a blast for you, it sounds like maybe it does?
At first, I found this entire story line disrespectful to the star of Flip It Like Disick, Scott Disick, who thus far has been MIA this season. I was worried we’d seen the last of him, but, sure enough, Kendall pays him a visit to ask for real-estate advice.
Scott, seeing Kendall pack up and being rightfully worried about not getting enough airtime, then artfully shifts the conversation to Pete’s trip to space. Kendall, for one, could never make the trip on account of her anxiety, which checks out. We’ve seen her skip fashion shows because of anxiety, so naturally she’s going to skip outer space. “I also love oxygen,†she says. “I really love Earth. I love her — she’s dope.†Kendall’s really speaking a lot of truth here … sounds like she’s one Pepsi away from stopping climate change in its tracks.
Speaking of outer space, Kim and Khloé are wearing bug-eyed alien sunglasses on their way to lunch as they deal with the backlash from the Variety interview. In her apology confessional, Kim says it wasn’t a blanket statement toward women generally, because she knows and sees the hard work they do. They discuss it further at lunch, during which Kim says she was blindsided but understands the anger and acknowledges her privilege.
And on the topic of privilege, I want to note that they’re eating at their favorite kind of restaurant: a completely empty restaurant (that maybe has a couple crew members pretending to be patrons to fool us). For the second time this episode, Kendall lunges for the cucumber on the table, saying she’s addicted. And after last season’s debacle in which she tried to cut one, I suspect this is all a plot to eventually launch a cucumber-infused 818 tequila. But I will say that Kendall really showed up this week. Maybe she can ditch real estate and make being on a reality show her new passion.
The episode ends on the morning of Kris’s hip replacement, and as she puts on her hospital apparel, she asks one of the nurses, “If my crew is filming, can you just make sure that my ass or my vagina aren’t hanging out? Or boobs.†Kris should rest easy knowing that Hulu and Disney+ will not be broadcasting her vagina. Not this week, at least.