Things are really lining up for ol’ Liz Lemon, and by Liz Lemon I mean Rahima, and I’m sorry I called her Liz Lemon. She’s got her nice dress, she has nice bedding, she has a mirror. A tiny mirror but a mirror nonetheless. Mirrors were expensive back then! You wanted to see what you looked like, you looked in the water barrel like everyone else. Or had a friend try to describe you as kindly but objectively as possible.
The rumor is that Catherine is responsible for her son Francis’s death, and somehow, from this, Mary of Scots will be monarch instead of Catherine’s second son. (He’s the one who got knocked over when he fired a gun.) Can you imagine if Mary had become queen of France? They’d find her like a week later in Belgium and be like, Mary, what happened, why is all of France on fire, and she’d be like, I do not know, but you can be sure my cousin Elizabeth is to blame. Hahaha, Mary’s the worst.
Catherine is still catching Rahima up on her entire life, and we have suddenly jumped 15 years. Look, I am pro this time jump, because I wanted more Samantha Morton, but we didn’t even get to say good-bye to the child actors. Well, teenage/adult children actors. Also, if it’s 15 years, they’re what, in their early 30s? At the oldest? And I know Morton is 45, but the new Henry is … hmm. Why did they leave him with that haircut? It’s not in historical portraits of him! They are purposefully making him look extremely silly. The teenage version of him could barely pull it off, and he is very cute/charming. This man with this haircut can only evoke “Her?” when Catherine talks about still being in love with him.
But moving on from this haircut (jk it will never leave me), in these 15 years Catherine and Henry have had nine children, and she has worked out a sharing system with Diane. But Catherine is pregnant yet again (good LORD), and the birth is so physically traumatic that the baby dies, and the doctor says she should not have any more children. Before she finds out the latter fact, she’s plunged into a deep depression, as one might very well expect after a traumatic incident like losing a baby. Modern Catherine uses this period of depression to narrate: The old Guises and Bourbons left the court, and their younger relatives have come to take their place, so we have two Guises (Catholic) and two Bourbons (Protestant), and they are all annoying.
The Guises are off doing things like stealing the Château de Chenonceau from Pam’s ex-fiancé, Roy, from The Office. Look, I’m sure David Denman is very talented, but The Office is a cultural touchstone, and it’s just very hard for the public to move on from something like that. Which is me. I am the public. Roy owns Chenonceau, but the Guises say he can either give it to “the Church” or they’ll take it because he owes taxes. Does he really owe taxes? They do not care. They know he consorts with Protestants, which is one of these weird things from the past you could get in trouble for. So now he is out one château, which would really roast my corn, personally speaking. The Bourbon kids use this as an excuse to ask Roy if he would like to form an alliance with them, to which he says, “Absolutely, I do.” I am kidding; he’s pretty on the fence about the whole thing, but he shakes their hands, so now we’ve got that guy and the Bourbons together.
Catherine is missing all this political maneuvering at King Francis’s court, but Mathilde finally puts her foot down and says it’s time for her to leave her room. Catherine reenters her life and finds out that Henry is no longer going to visit her because of the doctor saying she could die from another pregnancy, and Diane makes it clear she only tolerated these visits so he could have heirs. I really want to support Diane because of what’s coming in her future, but she makes it tough here. Fortunately, for Catherine, despite this emotionally crushing setback, she has Francis in her corner.
Mathilde wakes Catherine up way too early, saying the king wants her to join the hunt that morning. Mathilde also rouses Angelica and Aabis to help Catherine get ready and — !!! It’s the historical series lesbianing I’ve been hoping for! Angelica the Poisoner and Aabis the Charmer are in bed together, and Mathilde is very, oh, you’re back together, huh. “It was cold,” they reply. Yesssssssss. It’s so casual and glossed over, but also there is SNUGGLING. I love Aabis and Angelica, and because they’re lesbians on TV, I have to say that I hope they live.
The hunt is basically a reason for Francis, who is not doing great, to finally collapse and be rushed to his deathbed, where he tells Catherine she is the best and not to give up on Henry because of Diane. He also tells her to never take sides, but to keep the Bourbons and Guises fighting each other. Then he makes Henry promise to put Catherine on his privy council. (NICE.) I really love how much Francis likes and respects Catherine, maybe because he’s the only one who does. Basically every single person has betrayed her except Francis. And now he is dead.
The former queen, who is leaving court, tells Catherine that the Holy Roman Emperor is going to break his treaty with France and go after Henry. This feels like valuable intel! The former queen doesn’t even like Catherine, but at least she respects her enough to throw her some monarchical goss.
Time out to say that The Serpent Queen filmed at Chenonceau and Chambord, two châteaus in the Loire Valley, both of which my wife and I definitely saw on a bus tour. This means that a scene will pop up and I’ll be like “wait … did I use the bathroom in that guard house?” (Yes. Yes, I did.) It’s very weird. But also very cool they got to film in the actual palaces where these people lived! Chambord features a double-helix staircase designed by Leonardo da Vinci (or at least attributed to him) and is probably great to visit when you are not being tremendously grumpy, as I was that day. Okay, time in!
At the first Privy Council meeting, which lasts about five minutes, the Bourbons and Guises throw in their two cents, then Catherine says Henry should get ready for war with the Holy Roman Emperor, which everyone but Henry pooh-poohs. He only sends a single garrison to the border, though. This will not end well.
Catherine tries to kick Diane out of court by giving her a large home of her own. Diane counters this by hiring Angelica to make her even more attractive, which Angelica accomplishes by putting liquid gold on her tongue? It’s an interesting concept, and she does look great after. Nevertheless: Do not drink gold.
The coronation is marred by a messenger bringing the garrison commander’s head in a bag. The Holy Roman Emperor has struck!
Back in what I’m calling Modern Day, but is 1560, Catherine tells Rahima that she learned the hard way you must never underestimate an enemy. This statement is immediately relevant. Catherine receives a letter under the door that shocks her. She shows it to Rahima, who says she can’t read, and Catherine apologizes and asks her to leave. But when Rahima goes back to her room!! She pulls a book out from under her pillow! A very large book!! Which she proceeds to read! What does it mean? Is Rahima a plant?? Is she an undercover agent working for Mary of Scots? Is she just out for No. 1? Wow, this is a real cliffhanger that leaves me, the viewer, all the more invested.