I’m going to be honest, this episode was a real nadir of the series for me. When I first saw this show was happening, I did not have high expectations, but I have been subsequently delighted by its tone, actors, and ability to keep court politics clear and interesting (not an easy thing!). This one is not it, though. The sheer NUMBER of times I went “What!!” The murder! The haircut! The incredibly gross behavior of the Guise mother! But let’s get into it.
Mistake number one: Henri goes to the front to fight against the Holy Roman Empire. Well, he goes to strategize against the Holy Roman Empire, because Diane persuades him not to fight. That’s right, Diane is there! She convinces him she should go, which sounds very unlikely, but sure. I’m not saying Henri going is a historical mistake; I don’t know if he really went and frankly I do not care because war is frequently pointless. For this series, respect to this actor, but Henri and his terrible haircut are a charisma black hole. It’s not his fault that Henri is written as an indecisive, muffled character with a short bowl cut, but good Lord, I do not want to look at it. And you have to look at it so much here! Catherine and Diane’s attraction to him makes no sense and I am very much looking forward to him being out of the picture. It is harsh, but I blame the wig. I mean, also the direction, but definitely the wig has a big part to play.
Because Henri goes to the front, he makes Catherine regent, so she is governing the country while he’s away. In Catherine’s head, I imagine it’s very Jafar-at-the-end-of-Aladdin. She hasn’t been thrilled lately because Henri’s new insignia could read as the initials H and C, but it mainly looks like H and D. I also read in multiple places that he would sign state documents as “HenriDiane” (although I couldn’t find any official verification of this), which, if true — gross, sir. Get it together. This is a workplace.
So Catherine has her first opportunity at ruling alone, and at her very first Privy Council meeting, no one shows. “No one” being the Bourbons and the Guises. The Guise mother (Antoinette) tells her son the cardinal not to go and to make Catherine come to him, and the Bourbons aren’t going if the Guises don’t show up. (Antoinette’s weird incest vibe this episode is not it, by the way. It feels unnecessary and I hate it. Booooo.) But anyway, Catherine needs to meet with both the Guises and Bourbons because, surprise, war is expensive, and Henri needs more money. When she goes to the Guise apartments, the cardinal tells her the Treasury is empty and she’ll need to ask the Third Estate (wealthy businessmen/rich commoners). Both the Guises and the Bourbons want to act as middlemen for the Catholics and Protestants respectively, and expect Catherine to grant them favors as a result of this. Catherine has other ideas.
She calls a meeting of the Third Estate and nervously goes in to address them. I hate saying this to the person likely responsible for the St. Bartholomew’s Day massacre, but you got this, Catherine! And she does. She appeals to both the Catholics and the Protestants, speaking to their needs and saying that if they support the war financially, they can choose a representative to have a private audience with the king, where they can air their grievances. She is specifically cutting out the Guises and Bourbons from the process, which is a bold move.
Roy from The Office, who, you might remember, had his castle taken by the Guises, agrees on behalf of the body. The Bourbons say fuck. And look, the dominant Bourbon is Louis, and he’s doing a great job, but let’s not sleep on Antoine, who really carried this episode with his facial expressions. Antoine is playing it for broad comedy, and I am here appreciating it. They are basically the Laurel and Hardy of the 16th-century French court, as far as I am concerned.
Henri, meanwhile, has been in a war tent with Diane and François Guise. Diane comes up with some good strategy, and then when it comes to fighting, she convinces Henri not to go, and then François comes back a war hero, making Henri look bad. A child brings François flowers! Henri thinks they’re for him and it is very embarrassing! To be fair, if I were a monarch and a child were standing in front of me with flowers, I’d definitely assume they were for me every single time. Who else are you here to impress?
Henri thinks Catherine did a great job while he was away and offers her Chenonceau in thanks, which she kind of turns down (I think?) but asks him for another favor. It’s to speak to Roy! When I heard “private audience,” I definitely did not think “in front of the whole court,” but this is yet another reason I’m not a professional courtier.
So Roy is standing in front of Catherine, Henri, and all the nobles we have gotten to know, and he starts out a little hostile, but not toooo hostile. He’s upset that the nobles take his shit from him. Which is fair, I would also be upset about that. Then he goes a little off the deep end and says if they don’t stop oppressing non-nobility, their heads are going to end up on spikes. Sir! This is the 16th century! England has not even cut off its king’s head yet! This is BANANAS. The idea that someone would get in front of a monarch and say this. Not too long after this time, a printer in England published a pamphlet saying Elizabeth I shouldn’t marry a foreign prince and she had his hand cut off.
Nevertheless, this was not Game of Thrones times, and so when Diane de Poitiers gets increasingly incensed (are we to presume from all the gold she’s been drinking??) and CUTS HIS THROAT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, I said “What?!? What! What!” And proceeded to be dumbfounded for a good few minutes. She immediately asks forgiveness from Henri as Roy lies bleeding on the floor and he says, “You’ve forgiven,” and what?? What??? This whole scene is like a fever dream. I can’t believe it happened. And it did not, by the way! This did not happen IRL. Diane de Poitiers did not just slit some very wealthy man’s throat in front of the whole court and then get away with it. Unless she did and it was covered up, but why, what was the bourgeoisie going to do? Have some sort of revolution? That doesn’t sound like France.
In thanks for murdering a guy, Henri gives Diane the passed-around house of Chenonceau. Catherine still thinks it’s hers, so she shows up and Diane is like heyyyy, Henri and I are going to hang out here together from now on. I am once again distracted by them filming at Chenonceau as I think things like, “Ah yes, that wall is where I took a very good photo of my wife.” Catherine mutters “Who will rid me of this woman?” which is a fun callback to Henri II of England and Thomas Becket.
In modern times, Rahima agrees to search Mary, Queen of Scots’s rooms for Catherine, looking for letters between her and Elizabeth. Then Catherine sends one of Mary’s ladies-in-waiting to Mary’s room. And that’s why you never do a favor for Catherine de’ Medici.