Does anyone like Henry? I continue to be baffled by these two smart, powerful women fighting over him when all he wants to do is stare into the corner and wait for his next tiny bowl cut. You are the king of France. That means you are either very pious or very lustful, and there is no in-between. Charles V calls Henry a “shy boy” in this episode, and that is exactly what he is, only he’s, like, 50.
What I’m saying is, I do not rue or lament Henry’s untimely death. I did in Reign! He was fun in Reign, and he and Catherine had fiery chemistry. But here? No, I will not miss Shy Boy in the Corner. Here, I have been impatiently waiting for him to get jousted in the eye so we can catch up to whatever scheme is going on with Catherine and Rahima, which is infinitely more interesting.
Before eye-jousting actually happens, Catherine dreams about it. In the dream, Henry dies and Catherine pushes Diane out a window, which I’m sure was very satisfying. Then Henry’s body turns into what looks like a butter sculpture.
We move back to present day, and Rahima is imprisoned for rifling through Mary of Scots’s things. Catherine visits her, and Rahima is like, phew, okay, let’s go, and Catherine just kind of tilts her head like a confused little bird. When Rahima says she was only doing what Catherine asked, Catherine says hmm, but you wouldn’t make an accusation like that without proof. Rahima, you are fucked. Catherine, knowing this, resumes her story.
In Catherine’s retelling of How We Got Here, Diane now just lies around fully naked while Angelica paints her gold. Remember when Angelica was like, okay, but just two drops a day or you will descend into chaos and madness? Diane is now entirely covered in liquid gold about 98 percent of the time. WHILE still ingesting it. This can’t be good.
Diane is being courted by the Guises, who want her to use her influence with the king to set a wedding date for Mary and Francis. Her price? ALL THE GOLD IN FRANCE. No, she gets paid a tax (basically) for every bell that’s rung in the entire country. America revolted when we had to pay a stamp tax; can you imagine if England told us, “Oh, you want to ring some bells? Okay, but it’s gonna cost you.” How is the monarchy not overthrown yet? Oh, because the bell-ringing money is paid to the Catholic Church? That’s fair. But also, the aristocracy is bathing in gold, so that still seems overthrowable. Also yes, there is a website about the history of bell ringing.
The Guises want the wedding to move forward because they’re related to Mary (they’re her uncles and grandmother, respectively), and this will give them more power. It will also give the Catholics a real leg up in France. Mary herself wants to be a wife and a dauphine, and to unite the powers of Europe as a shining beacon of the one true Catholic faith. Speaking of Mary, my hat is off to Antonia Clarke, whose zealous fervor shines through in every scene. Mary is hilarious and frightening, and I love everything she’s doing. When Louis de Bourbon calls her a “deranged convent girl,” I immediately thought, YES. Mary has horse-girl vibes, but for Catholicism.
Things are not exactly lining up for Catherine at the moment. Diane’s hold on Henry persists, Catherine’s son is going to marry a pious version of Diane, and pushing Diane out a window turned out to be a dream. Life is full of disappointments. Catherine visits Ruggieri (he’s back!) and asks how she can make that whole window-pushing thing a reality. Ruggieri intimates that the price is Henry’s death, which Catherine is not willing to pay. YET.
I’d say Diane was overconfident about being able to make Henry sign off on the wedding, except he has literally done everything she’s wanted for like a hundred years. I would also feel confident in that scenario! So imagine her shock when, after sitting at the Privy Council table and demanding the wedding happen, he smashes a wineglass against the wall and stalks out. You think maybe Henry’s gotten less terrible, but it only lasts about five minutes, during which time he has Catherine summon back Montmorency (that guy!). She tells him she can stop the wedding preparations, which Diane is moving forward with anyway, without seeming to side with the Bourbons or Guises.
Catherine accomplishes this by cutting off the entertainment and festivity budget (I should rename my spreadsheet) and telling Mary that Francis can’t get it up. Which, damn. But I’m gonna pull a me here and talk about how Mary said she was reading Ephesians 22, to which I said, “But Ephesians only has six chapters!,” which I know because my high-school Bible class (yes) made me transcribe an entire book of the Bible (yes) to show how hard it was for the monks, and I chose Ephesians. But then I thought, Well, hold on, Alice, when did the Bible get its chapter and verse divisions? And Mary has to be reading a Latin Bible because she’s Catholic, so did those get divided earlier? And so my journey began. I am not fully convinced I arrived at an answer, but if you would like to join me down this rabbit hole, please do.
Ephesians 5:22, by the way, is the one about wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, etc., which is misused all the time, because the radical thing (for its time) about that section is not that verse, which would have been expected, but the follow-up of “husbands, love your wives.” But ANYWAY. We don’t have time for biblical exegesis! We have schemes to unravel!
Mary is very shook by the news of Francis’s purported difficulty, and she tells Diane she doesn’t want to get married anymore. Oh yeah, Catherine also told her that if her marriage is childless, she forfeits her sovereignty over England and Scotland. Which might be made up, but it is unclear! Mary definitely believes it, and Diane is enraged. Probably because of the gold. She storms into Catherine’s rooms, mocking Catherine’s belief that Henry could still love her one day, and saying how similar she and Catherine are, except Catherine clings to sentimentality and it will crush her. Let us call this a turning point for Catherine. Remember how she wasn’t ready to sacrifice Henry? I’d say she’s 50 percent of the way there, and then Henry completes the circuit by allowing the wedding AND inviting Holy Roman Emperor Charles V. Charles V!! The one he fought the war against! The one who imprisoned him and his now-deceased brother! Have some self-respect, Henry. (Hahaha, I know that request is ridiculous.)
Charles shows up and he is RUPERT EVERETT. Look, I am personally not a fan of the many things Rupert Everett has said as a private citizen, but I am currently fine with enjoying him as an actor. The energy he brings to the screen is a delight. He shows up and yells “FRRRAAAAAAANCE.” Then he chats up everyone in line outside the palace and tells the Guises to get his luggage that fell in a ditch somewhere. Charles is here to have fun and further his own agenda. What that is, I’m not sure. Probably to rule more stuff.
They’re having a wedding joust, because it’s the 16th century, and after Henry apologizes to Catherine for letting the wedding take place, she innocently asks him to participate in the joust, for her. COLD. Before this happens, though, Louis de Bourbon wishes Mary the best, and she prays he’ll be spared God’s wrath, which ahahahaha. I love her.
Henry seems to maybe know something’s going to happen? There’s a weird vibe. He tells the man jousting him to not hold back, then scolds him when he does. Catherine suddenly regrets her whole murder-by-witchcraft decision and tells Mathilde to tell Henry that Catherine had a dream that he dies. Despite this, Henry jousts again, and he falls. Against all expectations, I was legitimately sad about this!
Back in the present, Rahima tells Catherine she killed him, to which Catherine replies, “Accidents happen.” Catherine echoes that she and Rahima are the same, and then leaves to speak to Ruggieri. And here!! Here we have one of my favorite parts of the show, because rarely in a period drama do you have some weird, underlying, mysterious scheme being put on by two of the main characters. Ruggieri asks Catherine if she’s sure she picked the right girl, and Catherine says, “Rahima will do what I expect.” What! What is the plan?? OMG I am so INTERESTED.