Year in Review: Vulture Salutes the Wangs of 2007

From now until the end of the year, Vulture will celebrate the people (and, er, things) who made 2007 what it was: Pop Culture’s Bravest.

We really wish we were classy enough not to point out that wangs were popping up everywhere this year, but, sadly, we are not — there were dicks all over the place! In fact, there were so many penis-related happenings during the latter half of 2007 that some even declared it the Season of the Wang. We’re not sure what it was that spurred pop culture’s fascination with all things phallic, but, well, it certainly was entertaining. Today, we recognize the year’s superlative dongs.

Fiercest Wang: Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises. In Mortensen’s much-talked-about naked knife-fight scene, he skillfully used his wang to create a diversion. It worked. On us, anyway.

Most Committed to Wangs: Judd Apatow, who has vowed to put wangs in all of his films, like he does with Seth Rogen.

Most Resilient Wang: Ian McKellen, King Lear. Despite repeated disparagement from former New York theater critic John Simon, McKellen’s junk was undeterred. And why should it be? McKellen is reportedly “swinging pipe.”

Worst-Reviewed Wang: Nathan Zuckerman, Exit Ghost. This year, Philip Roth dropped the curtain on his semi-autobiographical Zuckerman saga with some of the most egregious dick metaphors ever committed to print. Critics were not amused. (But we were.)

Best Foreign-Language Wang: Tony Leung, Lust, Caution. Unfortunately, not even its NC-17 rating, full-frontal nudity, and violent, kinky sex scenes were enough to make Ang Lee’s three-hour Chinese-language drama about the Japanese occupation of Shanghai in the thirties a box-office hit, proving once again that American moviegoers are a bunch of culture-less prudes.

Wang Most in Need of a Sandwich: Emile Hirsch, Into the Wild. Thanks to some cold water and the fact that Hirsch’s character is in the midst of dying of starvation, his nude scene was not all that it could’ve been, tragically.

Outstanding Achievement in Testicles: Tell Me You Love Me. We knew that HBO’s highly anticipated intercourse drama would probably feature breasts, butts, grunting, and thrusting; what we were not prepared for, quite frankly, was balls.

Best Vulture-Invented Controversy Involving Justin Timberlake’s Wang: Would JT and Andy Samberg get to perform “Dick in a Box” at this year’s Emmys? Sadly, they got the shaft.

Most Anticipated Wang of 2008: Harry Potter’s wang, on Broadway!

Best Wang in a Musical or Comedy: Sacha Baron Cohen, Sweeney Todd. Baron Cohen’s “augmented” member is so huge and so tightly constricted by the pants he’s wearing, it very nearly distracts from his excellent performance. Actually, it steals the movie.

Best Devil Wang: Eli Roth. (WARNING: DO NOT CLICK THE PRECEDING LINK IF YOU ARE AT WORK!)

Luckiest Wang: Chinese director Wayne Wang, whose film A Thousand Years of Good Prayers won top honors at the San Sebastian Film Festival. Vulture only reported on this because his last name is Wang. It was a slow news day, and we are truly sorry.

Best Wang-Related Credit Sequence: Superbad. (Please ignore the dubbed homemade emo soundtrack.)