‘How I Met Your Mother’ Recap: ‘Twelve Horny Women’

Which show was better: Saved by the Bell or The Wire? Both were beloved while never winning a single Emmy award. Both were quintessential shows that redefined television with their honest depictions of drugs and class warfare. It’s a tough, unfair question if you have seen both, but the question popped up in my brain thanks to “Twelve Horny Women.� One of the members of the New York Judiciary Committee that Marshall faced that didn’t appreciate his wonderful puns was played by none other than Dennis Haskins, Mr. Belding himself.

I guess being typecast as “mostly humorless authority figure� is not the worst thing in the world. Meanwhile Lily described herself as an Omar Little wannabe when trying to convince Ted, Barney and Robin that she was the biggest juvenile badass of the group. According to Lily, in 1994 whistling “Farmer in the Dell� while walking down the street was something she did with regularity, and the kids would shout “Lily coming!�

You got to give HIMYM credit and a modicum of your finest dap for going all out on the reference to The Wire - a show that hasn’t been on the air in over four years and hasn’t been watched by half of the people that have claimed to have seen it.

Ms. Aldrin’s story was not believed by the rest of the group, even though they’ve all experienced or at least heard all about her “dead to me� looks and attitudes towards persons both deserving and not so much. Throughout the episode, while Marshall was busy trying to win his first case and save his job (which we will get to do), the B story had a lot of fun tales spun by the group in an attempt to out bullshit the others. First was Ted, evoking his self-proclaimed moniker Teddy Westside for the second week in a row when he insisted that “Johnny Law� was never a fan of Westside as a teenager.

Of course, he was the least believable of them all. Barney surged into the lead in the Who Had the Worst Permanent Record contest when bailiff Warren Frankel recognized Stinson and remarked at how odd it was to see him all grown up and without handcuffs on his hands. My initial thought was that Barney had paid the man off to do this, but instead the punchline was Frankel making a return appearance and producing a picture of some Magic Enthusiasts Club that the Barnacle was a young member of. His secret to the tricks? His very tiny hands. “I was a late hand bloomer!� was the best comeback the man could muster. To make him feel better, Robin admitted that she had lied earlier too. Initially she claimed that in her Robin Sparkles days she once was arrested drunk naked driving a zamboni. (There’s no image of that unfortunately.) The truth was almost the exact opposite: Scherbatsky won a trophy for being the nicest, quietest guest at the Manitoba Hotel. How delightfully Canadian. Ted admitted that he had embellished his past as well.

Obviously. Lily was initially proven to be a liar when a city clerk claimed that there was nothing on either her rap sheet or under her alias’, “Number One Gunna�. Is Lily delusional? But in the closing tag, Lily simply whistling “Farmer in the Dell� while walking down a present day city street provoked grown ass adults and children to run away, confusing the rest of the group. “Badass,� she said to herself, in a completely not creepy way at all.

Meanwhile her husband Marshall was fighting for his job. His story began with a flashforward “A little ways down the road�. Marshall faced the aforementioned Judiciary Committee of Mr. Belding and four middle aged people that are not television royalty. Eriksen was there to tell some poorly received jokes (“Did I mention those robes do you all…justice?�) and to “explain his conduct in court� during the big Marshall vs. now evil Brad and Gruber Pharmaceutical case. Woah, what the hell did Big Fudge do during his first case?

He got his clock cleaned, at least at first, thanks in no small part to awful jury selection. Brad played dirty and successfully got the all female jury and the bi-curious judge to lust over him. His tricks included dropping a pen and showing off his (presumably) sexy ass, complaining out loud about his girlfriend breaking up with him the night before because “he listens too much�, and playing a video that was basically softcore porn of him jamming to some slo-mo saxophone before a dubstep tune kicked in to score Brad lounging in the supposedly toxic Frog Lake. He also showed some local lake pride when flexing some muscle.

It was really not looking good for Marshall. The least professional female courtroom sketch artist of all-time produced this sketch of Brad:

And this of Marshall:

But Eriksen is no dummy, and at the last second he came up with the idea to call Brad to the stand to get him to take his shirt off. Despite an objection on the grounds that it was “redonk�, Brad was forced to do it. While Marshall’s former brunch bro from way back in season two knows how to edit professional looking videos, he wasn’t smart enough to think to green screen some random lake instead of frolick in a potentially toxic body of water. His chest was all red and itchy, a sign of acute dermatitis. Unfortunately, despite Gruber Pharma being found guilty, they were only fined $25 K by the judge instead of the $25 million Marshall’s firm had desired. The judge when confronted by Marshall showed he was ignorant of the true environmental damage the company was really making, and that he had plans to see Annie with his wife, who probably didn’t know that he had been flirting with Brad the last few days.

Marshall recounted to Belding and gang a nightmare he had right after the verdict involving himself fishing at Frog Lake with a 14 year old version of his son Marvin. Marshall was a defeated man, saying he was wrong to say that one good attempt at doing the right thing can lead to a lot of change. He demonstrated by throwing a pebble into the incredibly messed up Frog Lake, angering the Frog King. Considering Marshall’s documented love of Nessie, it was all tragic as hell.

But nightmares end, and sometimes former brunch buddies appear to you in real life and announce that they quit their evil corporate lawyer job to go work with you at the environmental law firm that you might not work at anymore because even though you technically won your case you didn’t “win� win. If this means more of Brad as we find the show down, then it’s a great move by Honeywell and Cootes. After confirming a brunch date for the next morning, Brad thanked Marshall for giving his soul a little “redempsh� and said that Marshall should be a judge, with his “integ� and everything. Which led Mr. Eriksen to face the committee: he wants to be a judge. A nice little twist. He’s informed that they’ll have a decision in a couple of months, which I guess is “a little past a little ways down the road.� I’d say the odds are good that Marshall will be a contemporary of Mr. Belding’s in a flashforward before the series is done.

And then of course, there was Barney and Robin. There was only about two minutes of combined screen time devoted to the awkwardness between the two after drunkenly kissing last week, which was probably a good thing and protects the story from getting stale. In the end, Barney said he would stop trying to get with her. When he got up to get some beer, Robin became lost in thought and said “huh� to herself.

But I bet we’ll be talking all about that next time.

Things to Say On a 40 Degree Day

“I was like John Gotti in a training bra.�

“Man you’re wise. That’s probably why I never felt the need to do drugs or rebel in any way.�

“Bondage. I get it.�

“I’ll bet you don’t want to sit anywhere with those hemorrhoids.�

“How many retired gangbangers do you know? Exactly!� - Robin before she herself was scared straight.

“Don’t ‘brobeans’ me.�

The rest of Marshall’s failed witticisms: “I’m just saying you’re all guilty…of looking sharp.�

“I mean, I’ve heard of twelve angry men…but this was more like twelve horny women.�

“If Brad could call a quack as a star witness, than so could I. You’ll get that in a second.�

(In the courtroom) “Meet Paddles the Duckling.�

“Quack.�

Things to Ponder While Under the Spell of Pep Pills

How did Joe Manganiello make Brad likable despite all of those douchey abbreviations?

How could Barney not have anything to say about the tie Ted insisted that Marshall wear to court?

Why did Scooter say his name was Jeff when in “Something Borrowed� we found out it’s Bill? What’s he trying to pull?

Roger Cormier likes to party north of the 49th.